i was never one to delve into half-baked matters. being the emotional person that i am, the intensity of this dream blew me off course. i lost my balance and believed what i was made to believe. but i'm better now.
though i started feeling otherwise, i know i must not take this seriously. facing the storm that continues to pour down on me is not an easy task. yet I cherish this journey knowing it comes from within. this isn't just about you after all. it's also about me. whether i was treated in the same way or not doesn't change anything. in the course of a lifetime, some things will not matter.
pale sunshine streams through my windows, casting the cobwebs that threaten to cloud my heart and mind. someday i'll look back and see this dream as a gift that flew its way into my life. maybe one day you'll see it too.
the storm signals are changing. on bad days clouds block my horizon and emotions run as wild as the river or fall heavily like rain.
but not today.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Friday, February 17, 2006
becoming
in retrospect, i'm not an ordinary girl. i disregard rules and proportions. i refuse to live in an ordinary space when the world is filled with strange and beautiful corners. i want rapture. i only believe in passion and madness and not the safe confines that constrict the soul. i want freedom from standards. i embrace sadness and bliss as much as i embrace this life.
and when days and weeks and faces become too ordinary, when the outside world becomes stifling, i escape.
wanderlust and imagination are the only constant things in my life. to wake up to a new day, a new idea, a new emotion, that to me makes life insatiable.
we travel, some of us forever, to seek other states, other lives, other souls - a.n
and when days and weeks and faces become too ordinary, when the outside world becomes stifling, i escape.
wanderlust and imagination are the only constant things in my life. to wake up to a new day, a new idea, a new emotion, that to me makes life insatiable.
we travel, some of us forever, to seek other states, other lives, other souls - a.n
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
diary of an island girl
there is something magical about the ordinariness of things. like waking up this morning. after snoozing my alarm three times, i stepped outside in my pajamas and watched the day unfold before me. a red and yellow parachute sailed across the morning sky. a group in a sky blue boat rowed in still waters. joggers streaked across the beach. a lone man was doing yoga, raising his arms towards the sun. and in my chair, i sat under the morning light and let the soft drizzle fall down on me and my breakfast.
i'm just an ordinary girl. but if i reach out far enough, i can touch the horizon, let my fingers skim across the endless blue sea.
new year
02 january, monday
another year has passed. i look back and all yesterdays flow like a stream. i’ve had my heart broken and mended, my mind stretched to my imagination. as much as i thank God for his blessings, i am grateful for the trials and hardships that came my way. coming upon crossroads and obstacles have challenged my self-belief and brought me to where i am now. each day i wake up on this island is an affirmation of who i really am. i sleep and wake up to the sound of waves, like a seashell gently whispering in my ear. I see the ocean and think to myself - this is it, where i belong and where i have always wanted to be. like water, my pain that came with the journey is washed away when i see the infinite beauty that surrounds me. adrift in melancholy, i cannot find it in my heart to leave this island which has become my home. not just yet.
it was a year when i embarked upon a journey to self-rediscovery, a journey that goes on today as i write. i look at the girl I was before this, so lost in her sadness. my heart goes out to her until the day she steps out of the cocoon...sees herself for the very first time, discover her wings and take flight.
it's been a strange and wonderful year.
random thoughts
october
imagine life without movies. or novels filled with stories of passion and delight. imagine falling in love without these influences. How blissful and utterly simple our lives can be. is this why we have such twisted views on love?
...backtrack
september
if it weren’t for the blazing sun and the faint wisp of cloud, the sky was perfectly cerulean. like a blank blue canvass waiting for the sunset, it is fragile in its perfection. i smile and my heart is filled with wonder because this little island is my home.
my fourth month and the thought of leaving saddens me to no end. i have removed myself from my family and walked the journey once again to independence. sometimes i find myself wishing i came to live here sooner, but i look around and see how everything falls around me perfectly. it might not have been this way if I came at another time.
sunset yoga
08 nov, tuesday
it was 5:30 in the afternoon as i watched the ball of sunshine disappear beyond the horizon. the sky still bright, i laid out my yoga mat and started breathing right. i've been away for a few days and the last couple of weeks went by so fast i hardly had time for myself. while i started doing my asanas, i could hear whispered giggles. i was surrounded by kids, imitating my every move. within minutes i had a small congregation, an impromptu yoga class.
how cute is that :)
moonbathing
18 oct, tuesday
i came home tired, my spirits battered. for the first time in months, i felt defeated. while i knew it shouldn't have mattered much (work is just work after all) i couldn't help but feel disappointed. so i turned to my biggest vice and my greatest provider of comfort - the ocean. it was full moon and the water was cold. i soaked in the moonbeam, letting the waves soothe and wash away my distress. with liam & tammy, i swam to the deeper end, hoisting ourselves up a moored sailboat, climbing repeatedly after one invigorating dive after another.
energy flowed back in. i felt rejuvenated.
i floated under her stare, thankful that this is the life i have.
birthday of an island girl
30 sept, friday
yesterday i turned 28.
tonight i celebrate my first birthday on the island :)
after the rain
13 sept, tuesday
last friday, i got my first island visit. well technically, she wasn't my first one but the first among my closest friends to have flown hundreds of miles to see me. with her i was forced to face my issues. matters which i've been running away from in hopes that eventually they'll fizzle out. like a cloud heavy with rain, all my emotions poured out until there was only sun and sky.
after the rain, i began to understand the root of my fears, my joy and my sadness.
last night we celebrated a friend's birthday in an intimate party by the beach. with kids running around, we laid out on the sand satiated with good food and good music. it's interesting how things turn out. moving to the island started out as an alternative. i never thought i'd find my peace here. i've been uncertain for so long i've forgotten how it felt to be me. how good it felt to be me.
i've taken a detour which molded me into different person. oftentimes in discovering who you do not want to be, you discover your true character. saying i have found my peace does not mean that the journey ends here. with life comes new challenges and discoveries. the journey goes on.
while the future is remains ambiguous, one thing is certain - i do not want to lose myself again.
pieces of you
08 sept, thursday
on earth there is no heaven, but there are pieces of it - jules renard
i want to own a piece of boracay. simply put, a piece of land i can always go home to.
over the years, the island has attracted and sheltered travelers from all over the world. carefree souls who've wandered far and wide, only to find their place here. and although the footprints have multiplied a million times over the last three decades, the magic of boracay isn't lost on me. i who set foot on the island seven years ago, the day after a huge tropical storm ravaged the pier and wiped the island raw. i had never seen a place so beautiful.
throughout the years, boracay had seen changes. resorts, bars and shops have sprouted like fern, as have the tourists. old timers complain how the once immaculate island had given in to commercialism, losing its charm in the process. but i beg to differ.
in a good way, i've always been burdened by the past. i refuse to let some things go, afraid that if i do, it would change my entire being. and i've always been cautious about tomorrow, careful not to divulge my hopes or speak for fear of rejection. so everyday, i cling to my past and sleep with thoughts of the future at night.
but i do believe that change is good for the soul.
as a child i tormented my mother with torn pajamas from climbing trees and picking up fights with the neighbourhood boys. come to think of it, this was probably why she ignored my pleas for karate lessons and stuffed me in ballet shoes instead. my teenage and college years revolved around competitive and adventure sports - swimming, running marathons and rowing gave me my natural high. a restless creature, i was not one to stay still. until one day, i did. i sat down on a black cushioned revolving chair and the office became my world for six exciting and tiring years.
that part of my life is over, thank God. i still swim, floating a bit more this time. i still run, no longer racing after others. it took me a long while before i could calm down and breathe normally again.
my life isn't perfect but i savor every moment - every flower that blooms unexpectedly, every rare good thing that comes along the way and every sadness brought by things that are not meant to be, all these i now embrace. not the past, not the future, but the present.
in an unexpected move, i'm now taking yoga and loving every minute. as i chant om shanti shanti...i feel peace. peace that comes with the faint scent of the ocean and the amber glow of each sunset. peace that comes from the stillness of being. peace that comes from my heart.
my banana milkshake - 22 aug, monday
melancholy came right after college, what i considered were the best years of my existence. it was my first time to leave home, live independently and make decisions which would later change the course of my life. nights were constantly filled with nostalgia. like a bad hangover, it wouldn't leave. no amount of banana milkshakes and pain reliever could cure. i found solace in old letters and snapshots which faded throughout the years. it was probably the main theme of my quarter life crisis. i poured all my energy into my new job in order to avoid the erratic episodes of misery and depression. but no matter how hard i tried, it caught up.
so i started looking for alternatives. a detour. an escape from the habitual flow of things. so once again i write...
this is why i travel...to escape from a life that family and friends see fit. to slip away from a society that tells you to have babies soon because your biological clock is tick-tocking louder and the neighbours are listening. where girlfriends greet you with looks of feigned concern when they say you should put on a few more pounds, patting your shoulders and nodding their heads sadly like they would if somebody's dog had died. perplexed why my physical state deserves an editorial, a smile is all i could offer to keep myself from screaming. why do they care how a person should look? i eat what i want & i'm damn happy to fit nicely in my bikini. i can't help but wonder, when did people start losing touch with things that really matter?
oh don't get me wrong. i love my home, stifling as it may be at times. but always inside me is a yearning that can only be pacified by the sound of the ocean, the indescribable feeling of being in a strange place, the sight of bright pink sunsets and night skies spattered with a thousand stars...
this was written 11 months ago. today i am in a place where crickets chirp endlessly at five in the afternoon. where i can experience the moonset and sunrise at the same time.
today i am here. but it wasn't an easy ride. i spent weeks each year escaping to far off places, collecting moments of discoveries and sheer pleasure. but it took me years to gather enough courage to unlock the key that kept me chained to the ground. this time raised eyebrows, discouraging protests, and wild horses couldn't keep me away.
my third month on the island and counting. it is heaven on earth and paradise with rain. it's not all magic and romance, life is also at work here. there are days when the monsoon winds prove just a bit too much and the mud unforgivable. but my pink sunsets and star filled skies come in between. and like a thorn removed, i realized i no longer have that hangover.
the island has become my banana milkshake. though we are still trying to get to know each other, i've come to call her home. i no longer feel the need to run away. now i'm just running. with the wind, sea and sky. defying my fears. defying gravity.
new sensations - 20 & 21 aug, saturday thru sunday
sunset & moonlight.
some ice cream, a mug of peppermint tea and heartwarming conversation that lingered after sunrise.
night and morning played out beautifully.
yet i am filled with sadness for the strangest reasons.
island moon - 19 aug, friday
everyone was out for the first night of the full moon, decked out on the beach, just staring at the sky. how can anything compare?
as we trudged in the sand on our way home, the moon was setting at half past five in the morning. the air turned pink as the sun rose on the other side of the island. so i guess i was wrong. something can compare after all.
17 aug, wednesday
after rounds of my special jungle juice concoction (trust me, i'm good with rum) and sweet blue shaker that had my girls laughing & crying on a wednesday night, we decided to walk along the beach on our way home. heavy-eyed at 2 am, a cry from sheila woke us up.
at 2 am, the moon was setting.
like a lone fruit in an orange grove, it slid its way slowly to the sea. empty boats rocked backed & forth, soft waves lulling them to sleep. the stars watched as i dashed to the sea, stopping in knee deep water, smiling to my friends and to myself.
this is exactly the life that i want :)
15 aug, monday
the moon hung low, casting an orange sheen to the waters beneath her. the waves were gentle, the night breeze rustling the coconut leaves shyly. i wanted to run into the sea and feel the wet sand between my toes. but it was midnight and no one near was crazy enough to run with me.
oh well :)
13 aug, saturday
sun! sea! waves! and a lot of love
12 aug, friday
as i write, a strange looking beetle hopper (a cross between a beetle & a grasshopper is what it seems) is crawling across my desk. bright green, it looks right at home beside the office pc, which by the way is covered in clear plastic to shield it from the habagat rain.
don't you just love working here? :)
11 aug, thursday
another giant unexpected gift. a most wonderful thing that left me in tears, my mouth hanging & eyes wide open. not a very pretty sight but my love hugged me anyway.
though i'm not one to wear a ring around my finger, i'm keeping it.
10 aug, wednesday
you are my yesterday
void of memories.
i head home with an infantile thought
in the palm of my hand.
i sleep with dreams
of the rain & evening songs.
i wake up
with a knowing smile
that you are not mine.
but someone else's tomorrow.
08 aug, monday
so then i find out her name is kristin. she emails, missing the island already.
05 aug, friday
had dinner with christiana, a visiting canadian who teaches kids in korea. an acquaintance who immediately became a friend as the night wore on. though worlds apart, we found a million and one things in common - a protective mother, a burning wanderlust, the angst of being young & single in the 21st century as well as everyday thoughts on love and life. only a few hours between us, but i'll definitely miss her.
in between rum, mango margaritas & vodka sevens i escaped my little posse to catch a bit of air. then came the rain. raging at two in the morning. the bartenders boarded up as the partygoers were forced to brave the unforgiving downpour. the next two hours were spent with another new friend, the most peculiar 18 year old i know. cold & wet, we warmed ourselves with talks on everything and nothing.
01 aug, monday
monday night is movie night at bamboo lounge. capped the evening off with a glass of sangria & a stroll along the beach.
31 july, sunday
on my way home, i rode in a tricyle driven by a father and his 3 year old son who shouted vroom vroom as we sped along the narrow back streets of boracay
30 july, saturday
after weeks of rain, the sun was finally out! today we danced & jumped with the waves, flirted with the sand & soaked all the sunshine in, our sun deprived skin singing here comes the sun...lal la lala lah...
swept away
29 july, friday
first real night out since i moved to the island. drank rum by the beach, danced with fellow islanders, took a dip in the water, the nighy sky spattered with stars. everything felt real.
i'm home.
:)
i'm just an ordinary girl. but if i reach out far enough, i can touch the horizon, let my fingers skim across the endless blue sea.
new year
02 january, monday
another year has passed. i look back and all yesterdays flow like a stream. i’ve had my heart broken and mended, my mind stretched to my imagination. as much as i thank God for his blessings, i am grateful for the trials and hardships that came my way. coming upon crossroads and obstacles have challenged my self-belief and brought me to where i am now. each day i wake up on this island is an affirmation of who i really am. i sleep and wake up to the sound of waves, like a seashell gently whispering in my ear. I see the ocean and think to myself - this is it, where i belong and where i have always wanted to be. like water, my pain that came with the journey is washed away when i see the infinite beauty that surrounds me. adrift in melancholy, i cannot find it in my heart to leave this island which has become my home. not just yet.
it was a year when i embarked upon a journey to self-rediscovery, a journey that goes on today as i write. i look at the girl I was before this, so lost in her sadness. my heart goes out to her until the day she steps out of the cocoon...sees herself for the very first time, discover her wings and take flight.
it's been a strange and wonderful year.
random thoughts
october
imagine life without movies. or novels filled with stories of passion and delight. imagine falling in love without these influences. How blissful and utterly simple our lives can be. is this why we have such twisted views on love?
...backtrack
september
if it weren’t for the blazing sun and the faint wisp of cloud, the sky was perfectly cerulean. like a blank blue canvass waiting for the sunset, it is fragile in its perfection. i smile and my heart is filled with wonder because this little island is my home.
my fourth month and the thought of leaving saddens me to no end. i have removed myself from my family and walked the journey once again to independence. sometimes i find myself wishing i came to live here sooner, but i look around and see how everything falls around me perfectly. it might not have been this way if I came at another time.
sunset yoga
08 nov, tuesday
it was 5:30 in the afternoon as i watched the ball of sunshine disappear beyond the horizon. the sky still bright, i laid out my yoga mat and started breathing right. i've been away for a few days and the last couple of weeks went by so fast i hardly had time for myself. while i started doing my asanas, i could hear whispered giggles. i was surrounded by kids, imitating my every move. within minutes i had a small congregation, an impromptu yoga class.
how cute is that :)
moonbathing
18 oct, tuesday
i came home tired, my spirits battered. for the first time in months, i felt defeated. while i knew it shouldn't have mattered much (work is just work after all) i couldn't help but feel disappointed. so i turned to my biggest vice and my greatest provider of comfort - the ocean. it was full moon and the water was cold. i soaked in the moonbeam, letting the waves soothe and wash away my distress. with liam & tammy, i swam to the deeper end, hoisting ourselves up a moored sailboat, climbing repeatedly after one invigorating dive after another.
energy flowed back in. i felt rejuvenated.
i floated under her stare, thankful that this is the life i have.
birthday of an island girl
30 sept, friday
yesterday i turned 28.
tonight i celebrate my first birthday on the island :)
after the rain
13 sept, tuesday
last friday, i got my first island visit. well technically, she wasn't my first one but the first among my closest friends to have flown hundreds of miles to see me. with her i was forced to face my issues. matters which i've been running away from in hopes that eventually they'll fizzle out. like a cloud heavy with rain, all my emotions poured out until there was only sun and sky.
after the rain, i began to understand the root of my fears, my joy and my sadness.
last night we celebrated a friend's birthday in an intimate party by the beach. with kids running around, we laid out on the sand satiated with good food and good music. it's interesting how things turn out. moving to the island started out as an alternative. i never thought i'd find my peace here. i've been uncertain for so long i've forgotten how it felt to be me. how good it felt to be me.
i've taken a detour which molded me into different person. oftentimes in discovering who you do not want to be, you discover your true character. saying i have found my peace does not mean that the journey ends here. with life comes new challenges and discoveries. the journey goes on.
while the future is remains ambiguous, one thing is certain - i do not want to lose myself again.
pieces of you
08 sept, thursday
on earth there is no heaven, but there are pieces of it - jules renard
i want to own a piece of boracay. simply put, a piece of land i can always go home to.
over the years, the island has attracted and sheltered travelers from all over the world. carefree souls who've wandered far and wide, only to find their place here. and although the footprints have multiplied a million times over the last three decades, the magic of boracay isn't lost on me. i who set foot on the island seven years ago, the day after a huge tropical storm ravaged the pier and wiped the island raw. i had never seen a place so beautiful.
throughout the years, boracay had seen changes. resorts, bars and shops have sprouted like fern, as have the tourists. old timers complain how the once immaculate island had given in to commercialism, losing its charm in the process. but i beg to differ.
every day, the sun turns the sky pink before dark and the air turns to blue when it rises in the morning. at night, a blanket of stars warm those who still care to look up. as monsoon comes, the waves draw bohemian spirits to dance in the rain or feel the cold seawind on their skin. no matter what or when, the magic will never leave those who seek it.
this island is my piece of heaven, and as much as i would love to have a piece of her, i know that boracay will never be owned. but it warms my heart to know that she owns a piece of me.
5 sept, monday
the quest for ten more pounds begins today.
home is where the heart is - 03 sept, saturday
three days in manila and i couldn't wait to get away from all the ridiculous politics, insane traffic and skyless clouds. i wouldn't have gone if it weren't for my loved ones - my little brother who just left for singapore to start a new job; my cousins who used to climb up the sofa to give me all sorts of hugs (now they're taller, all grown up and in college, how time flies!); and my pseudo sisters who greeted me with news of their love lives and their teen misadventures.
after quick goodbyes and a bumpy plane ride, i'm back. no family to greet me at the airport and waiting for me instead are my grocery list, my room which needs cleaning, laundry which needs to be picked up and work to be done the next day. how oddly comforting.
before saying goodnight, i walk down to the beach and head to my favorite shack. with a glass of pineapple rum i look up and see the stars peeking through the coconut trees.
just happy to be home :)
island happiness - 30 aug, tuesday
another night at red pirates. god i love this place. just listening to the old bombom guys jamming and the sound of the waves crashing mad makes me go..you know :)
this is the island at its purest. the beach shack was filled with islanders and friends alike (no one's a stranger here) sharing freshly cooked dinner, sitting on our own piece of driftwood. never mind the cold habagat wind, it was a beautiful night. the happiness so tangible it warmed our backs the way pineapple rum does.
i open my arms wide, if only to spread some island happiness all over the world.
beached - 28 aug, sunday
aloha! my nose is sunburnt, tee-hee :)
27 aug, saturday
like the average sleepyhead, i set my alarm twice. the first is a pseudo-alarm, for when i should wake up. the 2nd is the main alarm, for when i should really wake up. so in between the two, i lounge lazily or go as far to attempt catching a few more minutes of precious sleep. this morning, the sleepyhead's universal morning rule was just broken by a spider.
let me tell you this, i have never gotten out of bed faster since i set foot on this island. though it was a medium sized spider with thread thin legs that crawled silently on my sheets, it proved to be more effective than my alarm system.
but if waking up early and breaking my day off to attend a two hour office training means sitting with my officemates in an open room overlooking the ocean on a sunny day, i'll take it anytime.
well i'm off to the beach. happy weekend everyone :)
twilight thoughts - 26 aug, thursday
i woke up to the sound of raindrops. it must have been 4 in the morning. though the rain was falling softly, the tin roof echoed each drop like a faint gong rousing me from my dream. it hasn't rained for days.
i realize i barely know anything about you. what shaped you to become the oddly fascinating person you are today. we talk about now, never about yesterday with only a few vague glimpses into your future.
i hide under my blanket to snuggle with you, a hundred miles away.
red pirates - 26 aug, friday
pineapple rum in a shack by the beach. reggae, pop rock and ballad music. a fire dance. a handful of travelers and islanders. brown and white. strange and beautiful, just the way i like it.
my peace - 24 aug, wednesday
i miss certain friends. old ones from way back. and though you're fairly new, i miss you too. when i talk about the stars or sunsets, you get it. i love that you notice when the air changes into pink or blue.
~
in a good way, i've always been burdened by the past. i refuse to let some things go, afraid that if i do, it would change my entire being. and i've always been cautious about tomorrow, careful not to divulge my hopes or speak for fear of rejection. so everyday, i cling to my past and sleep with thoughts of the future at night.
but i do believe that change is good for the soul.
as a child i tormented my mother with torn pajamas from climbing trees and picking up fights with the neighbourhood boys. come to think of it, this was probably why she ignored my pleas for karate lessons and stuffed me in ballet shoes instead. my teenage and college years revolved around competitive and adventure sports - swimming, running marathons and rowing gave me my natural high. a restless creature, i was not one to stay still. until one day, i did. i sat down on a black cushioned revolving chair and the office became my world for six exciting and tiring years.
that part of my life is over, thank God. i still swim, floating a bit more this time. i still run, no longer racing after others. it took me a long while before i could calm down and breathe normally again.
my life isn't perfect but i savor every moment - every flower that blooms unexpectedly, every rare good thing that comes along the way and every sadness brought by things that are not meant to be, all these i now embrace. not the past, not the future, but the present.
in an unexpected move, i'm now taking yoga and loving every minute. as i chant om shanti shanti...i feel peace. peace that comes with the faint scent of the ocean and the amber glow of each sunset. peace that comes from the stillness of being. peace that comes from my heart.
my banana milkshake - 22 aug, monday
melancholy came right after college, what i considered were the best years of my existence. it was my first time to leave home, live independently and make decisions which would later change the course of my life. nights were constantly filled with nostalgia. like a bad hangover, it wouldn't leave. no amount of banana milkshakes and pain reliever could cure. i found solace in old letters and snapshots which faded throughout the years. it was probably the main theme of my quarter life crisis. i poured all my energy into my new job in order to avoid the erratic episodes of misery and depression. but no matter how hard i tried, it caught up.
so i started looking for alternatives. a detour. an escape from the habitual flow of things. so once again i write...
this is why i travel...to escape from a life that family and friends see fit. to slip away from a society that tells you to have babies soon because your biological clock is tick-tocking louder and the neighbours are listening. where girlfriends greet you with looks of feigned concern when they say you should put on a few more pounds, patting your shoulders and nodding their heads sadly like they would if somebody's dog had died. perplexed why my physical state deserves an editorial, a smile is all i could offer to keep myself from screaming. why do they care how a person should look? i eat what i want & i'm damn happy to fit nicely in my bikini. i can't help but wonder, when did people start losing touch with things that really matter?
oh don't get me wrong. i love my home, stifling as it may be at times. but always inside me is a yearning that can only be pacified by the sound of the ocean, the indescribable feeling of being in a strange place, the sight of bright pink sunsets and night skies spattered with a thousand stars...
this was written 11 months ago. today i am in a place where crickets chirp endlessly at five in the afternoon. where i can experience the moonset and sunrise at the same time.
today i am here. but it wasn't an easy ride. i spent weeks each year escaping to far off places, collecting moments of discoveries and sheer pleasure. but it took me years to gather enough courage to unlock the key that kept me chained to the ground. this time raised eyebrows, discouraging protests, and wild horses couldn't keep me away.
my third month on the island and counting. it is heaven on earth and paradise with rain. it's not all magic and romance, life is also at work here. there are days when the monsoon winds prove just a bit too much and the mud unforgivable. but my pink sunsets and star filled skies come in between. and like a thorn removed, i realized i no longer have that hangover.
the island has become my banana milkshake. though we are still trying to get to know each other, i've come to call her home. i no longer feel the need to run away. now i'm just running. with the wind, sea and sky. defying my fears. defying gravity.
new sensations - 20 & 21 aug, saturday thru sunday
sunset & moonlight.
some ice cream, a mug of peppermint tea and heartwarming conversation that lingered after sunrise.
night and morning played out beautifully.
yet i am filled with sadness for the strangest reasons.
island moon - 19 aug, friday
everyone was out for the first night of the full moon, decked out on the beach, just staring at the sky. how can anything compare?
as we trudged in the sand on our way home, the moon was setting at half past five in the morning. the air turned pink as the sun rose on the other side of the island. so i guess i was wrong. something can compare after all.
17 aug, wednesday
after rounds of my special jungle juice concoction (trust me, i'm good with rum) and sweet blue shaker that had my girls laughing & crying on a wednesday night, we decided to walk along the beach on our way home. heavy-eyed at 2 am, a cry from sheila woke us up.
at 2 am, the moon was setting.
like a lone fruit in an orange grove, it slid its way slowly to the sea. empty boats rocked backed & forth, soft waves lulling them to sleep. the stars watched as i dashed to the sea, stopping in knee deep water, smiling to my friends and to myself.
this is exactly the life that i want :)
15 aug, monday
the moon hung low, casting an orange sheen to the waters beneath her. the waves were gentle, the night breeze rustling the coconut leaves shyly. i wanted to run into the sea and feel the wet sand between my toes. but it was midnight and no one near was crazy enough to run with me.
oh well :)
13 aug, saturday
sun! sea! waves! and a lot of love
12 aug, friday
as i write, a strange looking beetle hopper (a cross between a beetle & a grasshopper is what it seems) is crawling across my desk. bright green, it looks right at home beside the office pc, which by the way is covered in clear plastic to shield it from the habagat rain.
don't you just love working here? :)
11 aug, thursday
another giant unexpected gift. a most wonderful thing that left me in tears, my mouth hanging & eyes wide open. not a very pretty sight but my love hugged me anyway.
though i'm not one to wear a ring around my finger, i'm keeping it.
10 aug, wednesday
you are my yesterday
void of memories.
i head home with an infantile thought
in the palm of my hand.
i sleep with dreams
of the rain & evening songs.
i wake up
with a knowing smile
that you are not mine.
but someone else's tomorrow.
08 aug, monday
so then i find out her name is kristin. she emails, missing the island already.
05 aug, friday
had dinner with christiana, a visiting canadian who teaches kids in korea. an acquaintance who immediately became a friend as the night wore on. though worlds apart, we found a million and one things in common - a protective mother, a burning wanderlust, the angst of being young & single in the 21st century as well as everyday thoughts on love and life. only a few hours between us, but i'll definitely miss her.
in between rum, mango margaritas & vodka sevens i escaped my little posse to catch a bit of air. then came the rain. raging at two in the morning. the bartenders boarded up as the partygoers were forced to brave the unforgiving downpour. the next two hours were spent with another new friend, the most peculiar 18 year old i know. cold & wet, we warmed ourselves with talks on everything and nothing.
01 aug, monday
monday night is movie night at bamboo lounge. capped the evening off with a glass of sangria & a stroll along the beach.
31 july, sunday
on my way home, i rode in a tricyle driven by a father and his 3 year old son who shouted vroom vroom as we sped along the narrow back streets of boracay
30 july, saturday
after weeks of rain, the sun was finally out! today we danced & jumped with the waves, flirted with the sand & soaked all the sunshine in, our sun deprived skin singing here comes the sun...lal la lala lah...
swept away
29 july, friday
first real night out since i moved to the island. drank rum by the beach, danced with fellow islanders, took a dip in the water, the nighy sky spattered with stars. everything felt real.
i'm home.
:)
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
like i said
days are moving faster. one sunset after another.
yet even on gray sky afternoons, the sunsets are beautiful. i am not one to look away.
not one to sleep without waking. not one to live without dreaming.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
the house beside casimero bakery
that’s how we call home. it will never be the same without you; without your presence as warm as the afternoon sun which paints the otherwise dim kitchen with yellow daffodils. your laughter that bounces off the ceiling like rays of light, penetrating our walls and our hearts. your friendship that is as real and beautiful as soft sand on our feet, saltwater on our skin and all the wonderful things the island brings.
your alarm clock won’t wake me up in the morning and I no longer have to wait endlessly for you to dress up. our kitchen sink will be so much cleaner; your dirty plates won’t sit there biding their time. the floors will be gleaming and i won’t have to trip over your Imelda Marcos collection of slippers. you think life in the house beside Casimero bakery will be more convenient, but I don’t think that way.
i want laughter that makes our bellies ache and conversations through bedroom walls. i want ice cream after dinner and our long brunches on sunday mornings. i want motorcycle rides through the night. and our constant midnight snacks, when we ponder about our troubles and how they seem more bearable with each other’s company. i know, i will miss you dearly.
know i’m here for you. live through your days and let your dreams bring you back, to sunsets and blue skies and all lovely things in between.
your alarm clock won’t wake me up in the morning and I no longer have to wait endlessly for you to dress up. our kitchen sink will be so much cleaner; your dirty plates won’t sit there biding their time. the floors will be gleaming and i won’t have to trip over your Imelda Marcos collection of slippers. you think life in the house beside Casimero bakery will be more convenient, but I don’t think that way.
i want laughter that makes our bellies ache and conversations through bedroom walls. i want ice cream after dinner and our long brunches on sunday mornings. i want motorcycle rides through the night. and our constant midnight snacks, when we ponder about our troubles and how they seem more bearable with each other’s company. i know, i will miss you dearly.
know i’m here for you. live through your days and let your dreams bring you back, to sunsets and blue skies and all lovely things in between.
days are moving faster
tears fall whenever i think about it. yet I am filled with warmth and inexplicable happiness because it’s you.
you fill my void in the strangest and simplest ways. clear as this morning was, the sky is slowly beginning to fill with clouds. i am lost in my wanting.
you fill my void in the strangest and simplest ways. clear as this morning was, the sky is slowly beginning to fill with clouds. i am lost in my wanting.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
lost in translation
sunsets. sunrise. pink skies. moonlight. constellations. ice cream. yogurt. riddles. whispered words. strangled feelings. wind. rain. strange currencies. white wine. smoke in the air. pillow talk. facades. masquerades. uncertainty. moments of clarity. longing. missing. regret. envy. passion. madness. sleepless nights. of hopes. of dreams. blue air. parallel universe. swimming and dancing. drowning and floating. feeling, always feeling, never thinking. until now.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
being me
right now i can stare at any inanimate object for hours on end. ok maybe not hours, as i tend to exaggerate about things. my boyfriend once said during one heated argument that i tend to be very dramatic. voice quivering and as theatrical as possible, i shouted back just because your dim ex-girlfriend was a doormat doesn’t mean the rest of womankind is as lifeless and boring. i’m crazy and my life is full of drama and this is why you love me!
ladies and gentlemen: the weight of words.
the afternoon is turning gray and if it weren’t for the tick-tacking of my fingers and keyboards, i could almost hear the whole world yawn. it’s a perfect day for yawning.
thoughts and feelings are consuming me faster these days. i don’t think my mind can keep up. while washing the dishes or writing down messages in our office logbook, i’d catch myself blurting out my thoughts to no one in particular. i know i’m weird but even that begs for an examination. i’m used to blurting out phrases in public, but never on a daily basis.
ladies and gentlemen: a candidate for mental rehab.
ladies and gentlemen: the weight of words.
the afternoon is turning gray and if it weren’t for the tick-tacking of my fingers and keyboards, i could almost hear the whole world yawn. it’s a perfect day for yawning.
thoughts and feelings are consuming me faster these days. i don’t think my mind can keep up. while washing the dishes or writing down messages in our office logbook, i’d catch myself blurting out my thoughts to no one in particular. i know i’m weird but even that begs for an examination. i’m used to blurting out phrases in public, but never on a daily basis.
ladies and gentlemen: a candidate for mental rehab.
parallel universe
so things have a weird way of working out. what the hell am I saying? nothing has worked its way out yet…
living here is like a dream (though a good friend of mine would argue as he finds the word vacation more apt). was it anais nin who said dreams and reality are interdependent? it hits me every time i realize this is my life now. it flows with ease like water smoothing out bumps and rough surfaces that come along the way. if i give this up and settle back in the city, will i be able to wade gracefully back into the normalcy of things? or will i shrivel up like an old piece of grape, devoid of water and life and all sweet matter in between?
the thought makes me sink deeper into the covers, as if the universe under my blanket could provide me with answers.
14.01.06
just hours ago I got a peek into a parallel universe - and it became one of the best nights of my life.
thank you.
13.01.06
can the void within us ever be filled?
like a blank canvass, my mind still refuses to speak up. my heart is pounding silently. i knew the time would come, the question was when. today it obviously has.
just like that.
tell me – i fucking told you so.
12.01.06
living here is like a dream (though a good friend of mine would argue as he finds the word vacation more apt). was it anais nin who said dreams and reality are interdependent? it hits me every time i realize this is my life now. it flows with ease like water smoothing out bumps and rough surfaces that come along the way. if i give this up and settle back in the city, will i be able to wade gracefully back into the normalcy of things? or will i shrivel up like an old piece of grape, devoid of water and life and all sweet matter in between?
the thought makes me sink deeper into the covers, as if the universe under my blanket could provide me with answers.
14.01.06
~
words move in mysterious ways. they alter your state of being and sometimes, the course of events.just hours ago I got a peek into a parallel universe - and it became one of the best nights of my life.
thank you.
13.01.06
~
rain will fall like tears tonight.can the void within us ever be filled?
like a blank canvass, my mind still refuses to speak up. my heart is pounding silently. i knew the time would come, the question was when. today it obviously has.
just like that.
tell me – i fucking told you so.
12.01.06
Thursday, January 12, 2006
spinning
these past few months i have been responding to things in a purely spontaneous manner. i felt blood drain out of me from over-thinking the last year and a half of my life that my mind has learned to shut down on its own. and because i have been feeling and swimming in my emotions, i am having the most baffling time attempting to answer questions that need to be asked. like “what the hell am I doing” and “where am I still not trusting life”.
i can only eat a plate of banana sour cream pancakes (my latest comfort food) and ponder the whole day, inexorably gulping down the last bit without arriving to any conclusion. for the first time in my life i considered seeing a shrink, only to see if she can get those answers from me. but if I cannot do it for myself then who can? the vastness and variety of events that occurred in the last few days has left me in a state of weird confusion. i can say i am happy. in fact, happier than i have been in a long while. but as much as i would love to stay in this suspended state of happiness, the situation calls for a leap.
common sense is not so common these days you see. if only answers can come clear as the sky on a cloudless day then i’d be flying.
i can only eat a plate of banana sour cream pancakes (my latest comfort food) and ponder the whole day, inexorably gulping down the last bit without arriving to any conclusion. for the first time in my life i considered seeing a shrink, only to see if she can get those answers from me. but if I cannot do it for myself then who can? the vastness and variety of events that occurred in the last few days has left me in a state of weird confusion. i can say i am happy. in fact, happier than i have been in a long while. but as much as i would love to stay in this suspended state of happiness, the situation calls for a leap.
common sense is not so common these days you see. if only answers can come clear as the sky on a cloudless day then i’d be flying.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
sea glass
you are my bedtime thought, the one that lulls me to sleep. tell me, what is it about you that draws me near? closer each day, yet further apart we breathe. you are my night sky - all clouds, all stars, all moon.
desire burns eagerly for what it can’t have. your eyes bring me to where I am and where we’re not. i am without you and forever with you. i'm blissfully stranded on your island, like sea glass shimmering in the sand.
desire burns eagerly for what it can’t have. your eyes bring me to where I am and where we’re not. i am without you and forever with you. i'm blissfully stranded on your island, like sea glass shimmering in the sand.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
moonswept
i had work the next day but then the full moon was out, the air a mystic blue, the ocean waves lapping at my feet, how can i waste that on sleep?
three pineapple rhums, a mango shake and one cup of coffee later i am struggling to keep myself awake. you don't have to ask, the answer is yes - i am definitely doing it again :)
three pineapple rhums, a mango shake and one cup of coffee later i am struggling to keep myself awake. you don't have to ask, the answer is yes - i am definitely doing it again :)
Sunday, November 13, 2005
sunset sailing
sailing in pink waters, i watched as the sky turned purple. parallel to the horizon, i let myself go, floating in the wind. the sun painted the clouds a startling red, like a neon sky on fire. up ahead the moon juts out of the sky like a pearl, precious in its oyster shell. no words to speak as I lie in wonder, an astonishing stillness settling over me. so close to nature, I am one with the sky, moon and sea.
Saturday, October 22, 2005
serendipity and other miracles
each day is truly a blessing.
you wake up to a bright sky, like a blue canvass waiting to be painted. you let the sun kiss your face and the wind cool your skin. you've been overcome by disappointment, and for a moment you felt defeat invade you from within. but on this island you've learned to let go. to free things that burden the mind and constrict the soul. in doing so you've created space where love can frow freely. the heaven sees this and blessings fall like rain, kind words you least expect and heartfelt thoughts that inspire immensely. most of all, friends made by serendipity.
you lift your face to the sky and wait for the sunset to paint it pink..orange..purple.
you wake up to a bright sky, like a blue canvass waiting to be painted. you let the sun kiss your face and the wind cool your skin. you've been overcome by disappointment, and for a moment you felt defeat invade you from within. but on this island you've learned to let go. to free things that burden the mind and constrict the soul. in doing so you've created space where love can frow freely. the heaven sees this and blessings fall like rain, kind words you least expect and heartfelt thoughts that inspire immensely. most of all, friends made by serendipity.
you lift your face to the sky and wait for the sunset to paint it pink..orange..purple.
Monday, October 10, 2005
sunsets and sandcastles
it was four in the afternoon when camille, sheila and i walked to beach for some chips and pineapple rum. we watched as the sky turned gray and rays of pale golden light shot through clouds heavy with rain. it was an eerily beautiful sunset. when joey, the red pirate, and his sailboat docked right before dark, the rain came and we all huddled in our favorite beach shack. turned out there was another birthday party at red pirates and we ended up joining the feast. needless to say it was another night of good food in the company of good friends.
~
right before midnight we arrived at summer place where we lost ourselves to reggae and the divine voice of karl roy. as he ended with his own rendition of peter frampton's "baby i love your way" with U2's "with or without you", we danced our way out to the beach where the seabreeze quenched our warm skins. the tide was up and a majestic looking sandcastle was laid out before us. urged by camille, the powerpuff girls plunged into the sandcastle - spires, towers and all. we kicked and dove into the creamy structure until we were covered with sand, giggling like schoolgirls, unmindful of anyone else.
that night i went home sandy and happy :)
Thursday, September 29, 2005
once on this island
woke up to a sky blue morning...drank wine with my feet in soft white sand...waves lapping at my knees. all the stars were out.
much love.
my first birthday on the island :)
much love.
my first birthday on the island :)
Sunday, September 18, 2005
fear falling
melancholy came knocking on my door right after college - what i considered were the best years of my existence. college was my first time to leave home, live independently and make decisions which would later change the course of my life. those melancholic nights that came after were constantly filled with nostalgia. like a bad hangover, it wouldn't leave. no amount of banana milkshakes and pain reliever could cure. i found solace in old letters and snapshots which faded throughout the years. it was probably the main theme of my quarter life crisis. i poured all my energy into my new job in order to avoid the erratic episodes of misery and depression. but no matter how hard i tried, it caught up. so i started looking for alternatives. a detour. an escape from the habitual flow of things. so once again i write...
this is why i travel...to escape from a life that family and friends see fit. to slip away from a society that tells you to have babies soon because your biological clock is tick-tocking louder and the neighbours are listening. where girlfriends greet you with looks of feigned concern when they say you should put on a few more pounds, patting your shoulders and nodding their heads sadly like they would if somebody's dog had died. perplexed why my physical state deserves an editorial, a smile is all i could offer to keep myself from screaming. why do they care how a person should look? i eat what i want & i'm damn happy to fit nicely in my bikini. i can't help but wonder, when did people start losing touch with things that really matter?oh don't get me wrong. i love my home, stifling as it may be at times. but always inside me is a yearning that can only be pacified by the sound of the ocean, the indescribable feeling of being in a strange place, the sight of bright pink sunsets and night skies spattered with a thousand stars...
this was written 11 months ago. today i am in a place where crickets chirp endlessly at five in the afternoon. where i can experience the moonset and sunrise at the same time.today i am here. but it wasn't an easy ride. i spent weeks each year escaping to far off places, collecting moments of discoveries and sheer pleasure. but it took me years to gather enough courage to unlock the key that kept me chained to the ground. this time raised eyebrows, discouraging protests, and wild horses couldn't keep me away.
my third month on the island and counting. it is heaven on earth and paradise with rain. it's not all magic and romance, life is also at work here. there are days when the monsoon winds prove just a bit too much and the mud unforgivable. but my pink sunsets and star filled skies come in between. and like a thorn removed, i realized i no longer have that hangover.the island has become my banana milkshake. though we are still trying to get to know each other, i've come to call her home. i no longer feel the need to run away. now i'm just running. with the wind, sea and sky. defying my fears. defying gravity.
this is why i travel...to escape from a life that family and friends see fit. to slip away from a society that tells you to have babies soon because your biological clock is tick-tocking louder and the neighbours are listening. where girlfriends greet you with looks of feigned concern when they say you should put on a few more pounds, patting your shoulders and nodding their heads sadly like they would if somebody's dog had died. perplexed why my physical state deserves an editorial, a smile is all i could offer to keep myself from screaming. why do they care how a person should look? i eat what i want & i'm damn happy to fit nicely in my bikini. i can't help but wonder, when did people start losing touch with things that really matter?oh don't get me wrong. i love my home, stifling as it may be at times. but always inside me is a yearning that can only be pacified by the sound of the ocean, the indescribable feeling of being in a strange place, the sight of bright pink sunsets and night skies spattered with a thousand stars...
this was written 11 months ago. today i am in a place where crickets chirp endlessly at five in the afternoon. where i can experience the moonset and sunrise at the same time.today i am here. but it wasn't an easy ride. i spent weeks each year escaping to far off places, collecting moments of discoveries and sheer pleasure. but it took me years to gather enough courage to unlock the key that kept me chained to the ground. this time raised eyebrows, discouraging protests, and wild horses couldn't keep me away.
my third month on the island and counting. it is heaven on earth and paradise with rain. it's not all magic and romance, life is also at work here. there are days when the monsoon winds prove just a bit too much and the mud unforgivable. but my pink sunsets and star filled skies come in between. and like a thorn removed, i realized i no longer have that hangover.the island has become my banana milkshake. though we are still trying to get to know each other, i've come to call her home. i no longer feel the need to run away. now i'm just running. with the wind, sea and sky. defying my fears. defying gravity.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
my peace
in a way, i've always been burdened by the past. i refuse to let some things go, afraid that if i do, it would change my entire being. and i've always been cautious about tomorrow, careful not to divulge my hopes or speak for fear of rejection. so everyday, i cling to my past and sleep with thoughts of the future at night.
but i do believe that change is good for the soul.
as a child i tormented my mother with torn pajamas from climbing trees and picking up fights with the neighbourhood boys. come to think of it, this was probably why she ignored my pleas for karate lessons and stuffed me in ballet shoes instead. my teenage and college years revolved around competitive and adventure sports - swimming, running marathons and rowing gave me my natural high. a restless creature, i was not one to stay still. until one day, i did. i sat down on a black cushioned revolving chair and the office became my world for six exciting and tiring years.
that part of my life is over, thank God. i still swim, floating a bit more this time. i still run, no longer racing after others. it took me a long while before i could calm down and breathe normally again. my life isn't perfect but i savor every moment - every flower that blooms unexpectedly, every rare good thing that comes along the way and every sadness brought by things that are not meant to be, all these i now embrace. not the past, not the future, but the present.
in an unexpected move, i'm now taking yoga and loving every minute. as i chant om shanti...i feel peace. peace that comes with the faint scent of the ocean and the amber glow of each sunset. peace that comes from the stillness of being. peace that comes from my heart.
but i do believe that change is good for the soul.
as a child i tormented my mother with torn pajamas from climbing trees and picking up fights with the neighbourhood boys. come to think of it, this was probably why she ignored my pleas for karate lessons and stuffed me in ballet shoes instead. my teenage and college years revolved around competitive and adventure sports - swimming, running marathons and rowing gave me my natural high. a restless creature, i was not one to stay still. until one day, i did. i sat down on a black cushioned revolving chair and the office became my world for six exciting and tiring years.
that part of my life is over, thank God. i still swim, floating a bit more this time. i still run, no longer racing after others. it took me a long while before i could calm down and breathe normally again. my life isn't perfect but i savor every moment - every flower that blooms unexpectedly, every rare good thing that comes along the way and every sadness brought by things that are not meant to be, all these i now embrace. not the past, not the future, but the present.
in an unexpected move, i'm now taking yoga and loving every minute. as i chant om shanti...i feel peace. peace that comes with the faint scent of the ocean and the amber glow of each sunset. peace that comes from the stillness of being. peace that comes from my heart.
Monday, September 05, 2005
tagged
Seven things I love the most:
(1) the ocean
(2) the moon
(3) traveling
(4) saltwater on my skin
(5) the smell of freshly baked bread
(6) my pajamas
(7) the idea of greece
Seven random facts about me:
(1) i love rice
(2) i want to go on a no chicken diet
(3) i've never fainted in whole life & sometimes fantasized about it
(4) i dream every single night
(5) i want to be a ballerina or a stage actor in my next life
(6) i'm ticklish
(7) i still cry whenever i leave home
Seven things I plan to do before I die:
(1) live in italy for a few months, learn the language
(2) swim with dolphins
(3) morocco, india, paris, portugal, thailand, vietnam...
(4) hanglide in rio de janeiro
(5) dance the flamenco in spain
(6) share a kiss under moonlight in paris
(7) have babies
Seven things I can do:
(1) swim like a fish
(2) row a scull
(3) drink rum..lots of it
(4) climb trees
(5) eat 3 cups of rice in one sitting..maybe even 4
(6) fight
(7) cook
Seven things I can't do:
(1) raise one eyebrow at a time
(2) cartwheel
(3) hula hoop
(4) hold my tears
(5) hide my joy & sadness
(6) act - as in act like a movie star
(7) crosstitch (thank heavens..)
Seven things that attract me to the opposite sex:
(1) eyes that speak
(2) the ability to laugh at oneself
(3) spontaneity (with a dash of craziness)
(4) love & respect for nature
(5) strength & humility
(6) wonderful sense of humor
(7) faith
Seven crushes (whether local or foreign or nonexistent):
(1) johnny depp in edward scissorhands
(2) johnny depp in blow
(3) johnny depp in chocolat
(4) johnny depp as my boyfriend
(5) kate beckinsale
(6) the guy i saw in sydney's town square station
(7) him
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
strange currencies
we can always talk about the stars tonight
or watch the setting moon.
we can lie awake in our beds again
until the morning light whispers sleep.
and while our thoughts dance in the same ocean
we are islands away.
bound by fragile threads
you and i
we can only dream.
in the space between our complex lives
i find the strangest comfort
that warms my soul
and tears my heart.
i have found and lost.
celestial beings, we are light years apart.
or watch the setting moon.
we can lie awake in our beds again
until the morning light whispers sleep.
and while our thoughts dance in the same ocean
we are islands away.
bound by fragile threads
you and i
we can only dream.
in the space between our complex lives
i find the strangest comfort
that warms my soul
and tears my heart.
i have found and lost.
celestial beings, we are light years apart.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
gentle giants
it was almost three months ago when we flew from manila to legaspi city. it was 7 in the morning, the air still crisp as we got off the plane. the beautiful mount mayon greeted us in all her sleepy splendor. immediately after taking photos of mayon, we boarded a rented van which took us to see another giant. next stop - donsol.
a fishing town located two hours from legaspi, the place was undisturbed by tourists until a few years back. midway through the drive, it started to rain, remnants of a tropical storm that blew past the region. we arrived at donsol, unpacked our gear & boarded the waiting bancas while the rain poured unforgivingly. the outrigger boat, though big, was uncomfortably narrow. while my four companions chatted cheerfully, i sat on the far end corner and tried my best not to look terrified. i was comforted after our BIO, alan, told us not to expect any sightings due to the rough weather conditions. great, i thought. who'd be crazy enough to jump in the choppy waters anyway.
apparently, i was. after circling the bay for over an hour, a cry from alan woke us up. hearts pounding, we donned our flippers, pulled our masks down & bit on our snorkels anxiously. there was no time to be scared as we were told to jump over the port side. of all the tips i got from the veteran divers, the simplest one stuck - follow your BIO like a gut. fighting the waves, i swam after the only thing i could see - alan's neon shorts. he grabbed my elbow and pointed me in the right direction.
i looked down and there she was- my first whale shark.
i was screaming & laughing like a crazed fan, i couldn't help myself. i swam on top of the butanding, the discovery channel image of a lone skindiver floating gracefully with a whale shark etched on my mind. i was swimming with the world's biggest fish, amazed how a creature so big can be so gentle.
(to be continued when writer is in the mood to finish travelogue...)
a fishing town located two hours from legaspi, the place was undisturbed by tourists until a few years back. midway through the drive, it started to rain, remnants of a tropical storm that blew past the region. we arrived at donsol, unpacked our gear & boarded the waiting bancas while the rain poured unforgivingly. the outrigger boat, though big, was uncomfortably narrow. while my four companions chatted cheerfully, i sat on the far end corner and tried my best not to look terrified. i was comforted after our BIO, alan, told us not to expect any sightings due to the rough weather conditions. great, i thought. who'd be crazy enough to jump in the choppy waters anyway.
apparently, i was. after circling the bay for over an hour, a cry from alan woke us up. hearts pounding, we donned our flippers, pulled our masks down & bit on our snorkels anxiously. there was no time to be scared as we were told to jump over the port side. of all the tips i got from the veteran divers, the simplest one stuck - follow your BIO like a gut. fighting the waves, i swam after the only thing i could see - alan's neon shorts. he grabbed my elbow and pointed me in the right direction.
i looked down and there she was- my first whale shark.
i was screaming & laughing like a crazed fan, i couldn't help myself. i swam on top of the butanding, the discovery channel image of a lone skindiver floating gracefully with a whale shark etched on my mind. i was swimming with the world's biggest fish, amazed how a creature so big can be so gentle.
(to be continued when writer is in the mood to finish travelogue...)
Sunday, July 10, 2005
through thick & thin
it's been weeks. moving to an island, starting a new job, living on my own, getting terribly sick in the process - these are things i just went through. it was scary, exciting, nerve wracking & thought provoking to say at the very least. well, that is life.
i started with a different blog in mind. but opening an email from a friend who's written weeks ago changed the direction of my thoughts & fingers as a new emotion took over. some of us are lucky to have friends who've already become family. friends we've had since we were kids, who can easily understand the words that come out of our food-stuffed mouths and remember our first kiss' every detail like it happened yesterday.
but most of all we are lucky to have friends who need us.
take this friend for example. she was the first one to hear all the icky details of that first kiss, the friend who kept the love letters from my cabinet raiding mom, the girl i've fought with a dozen times & the one who eventually drifted away during the years. there were instances i almost gave up on her, convinced that there was nothing else i could do to make things better. only to realize much later that we were in charge of our own separate lives, that we were no longer kids. more importantly, realize that she wasn't alone in the drifting department - i was there too.
now we're slowly retracing our steps. after all, the people we needed when we were young & clueless are the same folks we need when we are not-so-young & reckless. in the midst of crossroads, broken hearts & new relationships, i offered my shoulder & some advice. again. convinced this time that there is hope, that a person like this one was not meant to be given up on. and i was right. my shoulder was cried on & my words were embraced, like a long lost friend.
it may sound funny, but the truth is glaring. we need our friends to need us. just as much as we need them.
* * *
i started with a different blog in mind. but opening an email from a friend who's written weeks ago changed the direction of my thoughts & fingers as a new emotion took over. some of us are lucky to have friends who've already become family. friends we've had since we were kids, who can easily understand the words that come out of our food-stuffed mouths and remember our first kiss' every detail like it happened yesterday.
but most of all we are lucky to have friends who need us.
take this friend for example. she was the first one to hear all the icky details of that first kiss, the friend who kept the love letters from my cabinet raiding mom, the girl i've fought with a dozen times & the one who eventually drifted away during the years. there were instances i almost gave up on her, convinced that there was nothing else i could do to make things better. only to realize much later that we were in charge of our own separate lives, that we were no longer kids. more importantly, realize that she wasn't alone in the drifting department - i was there too.
now we're slowly retracing our steps. after all, the people we needed when we were young & clueless are the same folks we need when we are not-so-young & reckless. in the midst of crossroads, broken hearts & new relationships, i offered my shoulder & some advice. again. convinced this time that there is hope, that a person like this one was not meant to be given up on. and i was right. my shoulder was cried on & my words were embraced, like a long lost friend.
it may sound funny, but the truth is glaring. we need our friends to need us. just as much as we need them.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
live it, love it
time slows down when i'm in hong kong. i step out of the hotel & into the heart of kowloon. the never ending flurry of pedestrians and street hawkers are like an orchestra, their footsteps and banter the symphony. the city seems peaceful, in a matrix kind of way.
so walk walk walk i go. restraint was far more exercised than my legs though. apart from eating and bits of sightseeing, what else is there to do but shop. hk's no longer a bargain haven but the dizzying window displays make me think otherwise. at the end of the day, there's nothing like a good walk to clear my head.
***
everytime i travel, i make it a point to walk down side streets, areas that are far removed from the center. this is where the unforgettable cup of cappucino is found or the best mojitos are served. streets that are lined with shops, bars, cafes and the occasional library that seem content where they are. soho & staunton have just been added to this personal collection.
i love cities that never sleep. streets are much more appealing at night. the glare of neon lights and empty buses that drive past, somehow i find all these comforting. but that's just me.
so walk walk walk i go. restraint was far more exercised than my legs though. apart from eating and bits of sightseeing, what else is there to do but shop. hk's no longer a bargain haven but the dizzying window displays make me think otherwise. at the end of the day, there's nothing like a good walk to clear my head.
***
everytime i travel, i make it a point to walk down side streets, areas that are far removed from the center. this is where the unforgettable cup of cappucino is found or the best mojitos are served. streets that are lined with shops, bars, cafes and the occasional library that seem content where they are. soho & staunton have just been added to this personal collection.
i love cities that never sleep. streets are much more appealing at night. the glare of neon lights and empty buses that drive past, somehow i find all these comforting. but that's just me.
Monday, May 02, 2005
my lola's birthday
yesterday we celebrated my lola's birthday. she's 86 and smiling. the home where my mother grew up was filled with a crowd of smiling lolas. we arrived a few minutes before noon, hungry & just in time for the feast that awaited us.
sister - marami bang bisita si lola?
mom - siyempre her senior citizen friends...
sister - YES...mahinang kumain
needless to say my sister was proven wrong. like a swarm of bees, the whole senior citizen population of digos city surrounded the food laden table. like the good kids that we are, my cousins & i patiently waited for our turn. mind you, they paid no heed to arthritis & increasing blood pressure. it was their friend's birthday and they were going to celebrate it like they used to, with good food.
the last guest left at around 3 in the afternoon. my lola clearly enjoyed herself. who wouldn't be? no matter how old you are, in the company of good friends, age is the last thing that matters.
sister - marami bang bisita si lola?
mom - siyempre her senior citizen friends...
sister - YES...mahinang kumain
needless to say my sister was proven wrong. like a swarm of bees, the whole senior citizen population of digos city surrounded the food laden table. like the good kids that we are, my cousins & i patiently waited for our turn. mind you, they paid no heed to arthritis & increasing blood pressure. it was their friend's birthday and they were going to celebrate it like they used to, with good food.
the last guest left at around 3 in the afternoon. my lola clearly enjoyed herself. who wouldn't be? no matter how old you are, in the company of good friends, age is the last thing that matters.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
all mine
i have this secret. there are days when i'd lose myself in yet another reverie. i'd float for hours like a song in my head.
but sometimes it just makes me feel like a small snake's trying to find its way out of my insides. it makes me go "gaaaaaah!" out loud even in the most public places. i've been doing it a lot of times lately that i've become immune to people's stares.
it's embarrasing but i can't help it. i'm weird that way.
but today i'm humming :)
but sometimes it just makes me feel like a small snake's trying to find its way out of my insides. it makes me go "gaaaaaah!" out loud even in the most public places. i've been doing it a lot of times lately that i've become immune to people's stares.
it's embarrasing but i can't help it. i'm weird that way.
but today i'm humming :)
Sunday, April 10, 2005
not so random thoughts
sometimes i want to move out & find a place of my own.
there are also times when i want nothing more than to sleep beside my mom at night.
sometimes i feel like getting married already, because then things would be so much easier. so much more practical. my boyfriend won't have to drive me home everyday.
but when i think of marriage, i ask myself - is this it?
sometimes i'm a bad person. i want things & think of things that would only complicate my simple life. you probably have bigger problems. everyone has bigger problems.
and then what?
there are also times when i want nothing more than to sleep beside my mom at night.
sometimes i feel like getting married already, because then things would be so much easier. so much more practical. my boyfriend won't have to drive me home everyday.
but when i think of marriage, i ask myself - is this it?
sometimes i'm a bad person. i want things & think of things that would only complicate my simple life. you probably have bigger problems. everyone has bigger problems.
and then what?
Sunday, April 03, 2005
insanity
it's summer once again and stars have become quite rare these days, or shall i say nights. which is why i long for boracay, bantayan or any other whitewashed island at this time of year, when stars dot the sky & sparkle like the ocean's bioluminescence. did you know that a star-filled sky is as potent as 6 glasses of mojitos? for me anyway. call me crazy but a blanket of stars & the sand on my back get me so...high. i've been asked "are you drunk?" on several occasions, judging from my seemingly puzzling euphoric behavior. i guess you need a bit of craziness in you to understand.
lately however, the moon is taking centerstage. last night it was huge. like a slice of lemon, the moon hung perfectly still, pale yellow against the midnight sky. it was so big it looked like i could reach out & grab it. they say all the crazy people run wild when the full moon's out. just like werewolves.
lately however, the moon is taking centerstage. last night it was huge. like a slice of lemon, the moon hung perfectly still, pale yellow against the midnight sky. it was so big it looked like i could reach out & grab it. they say all the crazy people run wild when the full moon's out. just like werewolves.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
shifting gears
fresh strawberry shakes. suddenly a trip to manila ain't such a bad thing after all :)
i've been swamped with work the last couple of weeks. going out hair still damp from shower, is a pretty good sign that life has once again shifted to high gear. gone are the lazzzy mornings & afternoon dates with mario batali. no more hair-drying-inspired epiphanies, hence the unfashionably damp hairstyle. it's summer after all & orders for the beachbaby are piling up. though it may sound like i'm complaining, i'm actually not :)
but tonight, my running & lack of proper hair grooming have paid off. as soon as i got home, i sat down and watched tv with the rest while randomly poring over the day's paper. to my surprise, PDI featured my baby! a couple of photos & some nice words on my cropped pants, tie bottom capris & lounge pants came out in full color. as if on cue, text messages came one after the other, from clients who've become friends, congratulating me on this small but very important milestone. in my head, i'm dancing.
this definitely calls for another glass of ice cold strawberry shake :) salud!
i've been swamped with work the last couple of weeks. going out hair still damp from shower, is a pretty good sign that life has once again shifted to high gear. gone are the lazzzy mornings & afternoon dates with mario batali. no more hair-drying-inspired epiphanies, hence the unfashionably damp hairstyle. it's summer after all & orders for the beachbaby are piling up. though it may sound like i'm complaining, i'm actually not :)
but tonight, my running & lack of proper hair grooming have paid off. as soon as i got home, i sat down and watched tv with the rest while randomly poring over the day's paper. to my surprise, PDI featured my baby! a couple of photos & some nice words on my cropped pants, tie bottom capris & lounge pants came out in full color. as if on cue, text messages came one after the other, from clients who've become friends, congratulating me on this small but very important milestone. in my head, i'm dancing.
this definitely calls for another glass of ice cold strawberry shake :) salud!
Saturday, February 26, 2005
return to innocence
summers were all the same before i turned twelve. twiglike, my sister & i we were sent to stay in the province a.k.a. the fat farm. a magical place where tablespoons of cod liver & poached eggs were forced into our young mouths each morning. year after year, my parents hoped for few more pounds while we slept, ate & played for a month. those experiments didn't yield the much hoped for results. our bodies weren't destined to be adorably chunky, the kind that strangers in the streets would attempt to pinch & fawn over. the fact that i came first was probably the reason why everyone in the family fussed over me.
but what a darling i was when i was 8 months old! i have this picture of myself being carried by my lola- queen of the fat farm. in her arms she held a milky ball of soft baby fat, with big round eyes framed by black curly hair. i know, that doesn't sound like me at all.
one of the photos that came after showed a skinny three-year old girl with a ridiculously big stomach bulging out of a red bikini. believe me when i say the image is too comical for words. but i was one confident kid. hands on my waist & a big gumamela in my hair, i struck a pose. with one flash, that moment was immortalized, forever etched in my family's minds and the generation that soon followed.
the next summer ladies & gentlemen, my parents bought me a yellow one-piece bathing suit.
i was too young to understand the implications of that noble action.
oh to be a kid again.
but what a darling i was when i was 8 months old! i have this picture of myself being carried by my lola- queen of the fat farm. in her arms she held a milky ball of soft baby fat, with big round eyes framed by black curly hair. i know, that doesn't sound like me at all.
one of the photos that came after showed a skinny three-year old girl with a ridiculously big stomach bulging out of a red bikini. believe me when i say the image is too comical for words. but i was one confident kid. hands on my waist & a big gumamela in my hair, i struck a pose. with one flash, that moment was immortalized, forever etched in my family's minds and the generation that soon followed.
the next summer ladies & gentlemen, my parents bought me a yellow one-piece bathing suit.
i was too young to understand the implications of that noble action.
oh to be a kid again.
Friday, February 11, 2005
sleepwalker
the hardest person to give advice to is yourself.
i've recently told a friend in doubt to be true to herself. to go out & fulfill her wants and needs without having to hide behind lies & half-hearted efforts. but i know how hard it is to leave.
when i find myself in a bowl of confusion, it's so much easier to dial-a-friend and bore him or her out of his or her wits. it's more difficult to sit it out on your own and face your own ugly thoughts.
how many of us stay in this pattern? how many of us leave? and how many of us realize how aimless we all have been? we live, work, play, go on grand adventures and wake up one day to realize we've all been sleepwalking.
it's never easy.
i've recently told a friend in doubt to be true to herself. to go out & fulfill her wants and needs without having to hide behind lies & half-hearted efforts. but i know how hard it is to leave.
when i find myself in a bowl of confusion, it's so much easier to dial-a-friend and bore him or her out of his or her wits. it's more difficult to sit it out on your own and face your own ugly thoughts.
how many of us stay in this pattern? how many of us leave? and how many of us realize how aimless we all have been? we live, work, play, go on grand adventures and wake up one day to realize we've all been sleepwalking.
it's never easy.
Friday, January 21, 2005
the pod of small things
i am having an affair. i've fallen in love with my i-pod mini.
reasons why:
1. it keeps me company when everyone that matters is already asleep
2. for being agreeable & fuss-free (please stay that way).
3. puts me to sleep in the most romantic way possible (if i can't have sting sing 'someone to watch over me' night after night, i'll settle for my i-pod)
tiny & metallic blue, it is warm against my hip. if only all my relationships are as convenient, then i will be covered with warm fuzzy spots all over.
i am no techie.
i'm just a sentimental fool.
reasons why:
1. it keeps me company when everyone that matters is already asleep
2. for being agreeable & fuss-free (please stay that way).
3. puts me to sleep in the most romantic way possible (if i can't have sting sing 'someone to watch over me' night after night, i'll settle for my i-pod)
tiny & metallic blue, it is warm against my hip. if only all my relationships are as convenient, then i will be covered with warm fuzzy spots all over.
i am no techie.
i'm just a sentimental fool.
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
nuggets
ton is one of my best friends. sometimes he can be a bit weird, out of this world even and he likes to hear people say that about him. he's moody & quiet at times. also funny, sweet & mysteriously endearing.
meet nuggets - his teddy bear. a gift i gave him towards the end of freshman year in college. since we were studying in different cities, i wanted to give him someone who can keep him company, day and night. someone who can listen to his weird ramblings without leaving, someone he can take to the beach when i'm not around & just someone who'll accept his hugs unconditionally.
this is for you
do you realize that we've been friends for ten years? we've wondered and pondered about life's bullshits & mysteries, seen each other battle one angst after another and stared at the stars countless times. always, we run to each other in times of need to find comfort in silence only we can give. in the beginning, friends wondered and were even wary of this strange friendship. after all, it was hard for people to understand what they didn't have. i am always good at explaing things but since this has never bothered me, i never did. i find little need to explain matters that i hold dearly.
life after college was a different story. work happened, boyfriend & girlfriend came. at the back of my mind i knew i was being a lousy friend. gone were the nightly talks, star gazing, you visiting me at home & the quiet times we used to share. calls were replaced with emails and random text messages. visits came down to one-hour coffee talks whenever i felt the need to get away from my world. with a tremendous work schedule and a new relationship at hand, i felt my growing absence in our friendship was justified. until the day you left for san francisco.
so now i feel like a school girl once again, missing my best friend who's far away. i wonder about nuggets, if he still lives in your room, if he's balding, if he's sad as i am, missing his weird master who's out to conquer the world.
so after months & years of half-baked conversations, you don't know how happy i was talking to you this afternoon. we teased, laughed, annoyed & reviewed each other's lives that for a moment, our troubles didn't seem that bad. yes, we did make up for lost time :) for this i'm glad.
i hope you won't fade into the background like you always do when things get hectic. as we grow older, things move faster, situations get tougher, but the world will not stop for us. life isn't as sweet & simple as it was in college, but that shouldn't hinder us from each other. when conversations & actual times spent together become rare, that only makes what we have more special.
i miss stargazing with you the most. there is no one near right now who would willingly suffer neck pains for a few wonderful moments staring at the night sky. now, i do realize we won't be looking at the same constellations. but as long as we're looking at them like we used to, then everything's alright between us :)
meet nuggets - his teddy bear. a gift i gave him towards the end of freshman year in college. since we were studying in different cities, i wanted to give him someone who can keep him company, day and night. someone who can listen to his weird ramblings without leaving, someone he can take to the beach when i'm not around & just someone who'll accept his hugs unconditionally.
this is for you
do you realize that we've been friends for ten years? we've wondered and pondered about life's bullshits & mysteries, seen each other battle one angst after another and stared at the stars countless times. always, we run to each other in times of need to find comfort in silence only we can give. in the beginning, friends wondered and were even wary of this strange friendship. after all, it was hard for people to understand what they didn't have. i am always good at explaing things but since this has never bothered me, i never did. i find little need to explain matters that i hold dearly.
life after college was a different story. work happened, boyfriend & girlfriend came. at the back of my mind i knew i was being a lousy friend. gone were the nightly talks, star gazing, you visiting me at home & the quiet times we used to share. calls were replaced with emails and random text messages. visits came down to one-hour coffee talks whenever i felt the need to get away from my world. with a tremendous work schedule and a new relationship at hand, i felt my growing absence in our friendship was justified. until the day you left for san francisco.
so now i feel like a school girl once again, missing my best friend who's far away. i wonder about nuggets, if he still lives in your room, if he's balding, if he's sad as i am, missing his weird master who's out to conquer the world.
so after months & years of half-baked conversations, you don't know how happy i was talking to you this afternoon. we teased, laughed, annoyed & reviewed each other's lives that for a moment, our troubles didn't seem that bad. yes, we did make up for lost time :) for this i'm glad.
i hope you won't fade into the background like you always do when things get hectic. as we grow older, things move faster, situations get tougher, but the world will not stop for us. life isn't as sweet & simple as it was in college, but that shouldn't hinder us from each other. when conversations & actual times spent together become rare, that only makes what we have more special.
i miss stargazing with you the most. there is no one near right now who would willingly suffer neck pains for a few wonderful moments staring at the night sky. now, i do realize we won't be looking at the same constellations. but as long as we're looking at them like we used to, then everything's alright between us :)
Monday, January 17, 2005
what i love
the beach.
blue cloudless skies.
starlit nights.
photographs.
saltwater on my skin.
fresh strawberries.
mustard.
nigella lawson.
sarah mclachlan's songs.
sting's voice,
and seal's.
gelato.
cooking pasta.
la dolce vita.
rum.
rum with pineapple.
rum with iced tea.
tequila rose.
the vast www.
long drives.
reminiscing.
pink sunsets.
the smell of rain.
sleeping in.
great movies.
johnny depp.
my precious books.
irreplaceable friends.
wonderful family.
my sad, happy, weird & heartwarming collection of memories.
i'm feeling melancholic. so i shall say, i love you all :)
blue cloudless skies.
starlit nights.
photographs.
saltwater on my skin.
fresh strawberries.
mustard.
nigella lawson.
sarah mclachlan's songs.
sting's voice,
and seal's.
gelato.
cooking pasta.
la dolce vita.
rum.
rum with pineapple.
rum with iced tea.
tequila rose.
the vast www.
long drives.
reminiscing.
pink sunsets.
the smell of rain.
sleeping in.
great movies.
johnny depp.
my precious books.
irreplaceable friends.
wonderful family.
my sad, happy, weird & heartwarming collection of memories.
i'm feeling melancholic. so i shall say, i love you all :)
Saturday, January 15, 2005
blast from the past
i remembered...scribbled on a couple of white cube notes, tucked between yellowed sheets of a favorite book...i found and read it again after all these years. to what caused this sudden reminiscence, i cannot say.
then and now
i catch myself alone in your gaze
not knowing
how or why
your words haunt me still
like a slow flame
blue & brilliantly sad
so cold
like the night
you do not bare yourself to anyone
yet how i feel you inside me
like water
and fire
i do not know what to say
you are so distant
your eyes
lost among old feelings and words -
how can we forget?
my heart cannot understand you still
the years haven't uncovered anything
more than dried roses
and crumpled letters
i wonder if you love me
but the stars hide you
and the evening goes on
remembering.
for how long can you wait
if you start forgetting
that i'm here or there
always leaving before losing twilight
i find myself alone again.
the scariest thing about the past is that it's part of us. no matter where we go, how much of it we forgot, we carry it with us always.
like home-cooked dinner, good or bad, there will always be leftovers.
then and now
i catch myself alone in your gaze
not knowing
how or why
your words haunt me still
like a slow flame
blue & brilliantly sad
so cold
like the night
you do not bare yourself to anyone
yet how i feel you inside me
like water
and fire
i do not know what to say
you are so distant
your eyes
lost among old feelings and words -
how can we forget?
my heart cannot understand you still
the years haven't uncovered anything
more than dried roses
and crumpled letters
i wonder if you love me
but the stars hide you
and the evening goes on
remembering.
for how long can you wait
if you start forgetting
that i'm here or there
always leaving before losing twilight
i find myself alone again.
the scariest thing about the past is that it's part of us. no matter where we go, how much of it we forgot, we carry it with us always.
like home-cooked dinner, good or bad, there will always be leftovers.
Saturday, January 01, 2005
today
....is the first day of a new year. once again i open my journal & read through my entries. january 2001...january 2002...january 2003...okay. so it ends right there. for some forgettable reason, january 2004 is MISSING.
it has been a personal tradition on the first day of each year to read past entries in my orange & blue floral journal (please do not question my taste on this one - this notebook had been a gift). why i didn't jot anything down last year, i really don't remember.
one thing that i do know is this - 2004 was one big rollercoaster ride.
after a painfully slow quarter-life crisis that lasted for two years (gasp!), i plucked enough courage and insanity to leave my comfort zone. i woke up from a strange slumber where i dreamt of getting married at the age of 25. i shook my head with the realization that with all the life changes that i've gone through, so much of me is still the same. to travel and to live freely. it's what i've always wanted.
last year, i got to do just that. i left home and everything else in it for an exploratory trip that lasted for a month. i re-discovered my dreams and realized how much i needed to spend time with myself and experience things on my own. incidents proved once again that i am a complicated person. thus the complicated threads i've managed to weave into my life.
it was indeed a difficult year, but an exciting one just the same. with all the heartaches and goodbyes, life goes on.
as i read through my journals once again, i can only smile at the scared woman i was at that time. my battles are not over, but i'm proud of myself for having gone a long way. i have finally taken the first step in changing my life.
i still get scared at times, but i try my best to push these thoughts away. i must not give up on my dreams, no matter how silly or reckless they may seem to other people. i know that now.
p.s.
i've managed to slave my way through - it's almost 5 in the morning after all. this should more than make up for last year's missing entry. happy new year everyone :)
it has been a personal tradition on the first day of each year to read past entries in my orange & blue floral journal (please do not question my taste on this one - this notebook had been a gift). why i didn't jot anything down last year, i really don't remember.
one thing that i do know is this - 2004 was one big rollercoaster ride.
after a painfully slow quarter-life crisis that lasted for two years (gasp!), i plucked enough courage and insanity to leave my comfort zone. i woke up from a strange slumber where i dreamt of getting married at the age of 25. i shook my head with the realization that with all the life changes that i've gone through, so much of me is still the same. to travel and to live freely. it's what i've always wanted.
last year, i got to do just that. i left home and everything else in it for an exploratory trip that lasted for a month. i re-discovered my dreams and realized how much i needed to spend time with myself and experience things on my own. incidents proved once again that i am a complicated person. thus the complicated threads i've managed to weave into my life.
it was indeed a difficult year, but an exciting one just the same. with all the heartaches and goodbyes, life goes on.
as i read through my journals once again, i can only smile at the scared woman i was at that time. my battles are not over, but i'm proud of myself for having gone a long way. i have finally taken the first step in changing my life.
i still get scared at times, but i try my best to push these thoughts away. i must not give up on my dreams, no matter how silly or reckless they may seem to other people. i know that now.
blue christmas by abbytrysagain
so today, i can only hope for a better and brighter year ahead. one filled with more happy discoveries, new places to conquer and ultimately - la dolce vita. to live the bohemian life i've always dreamed about.p.s.
i've managed to slave my way through - it's almost 5 in the morning after all. this should more than make up for last year's missing entry. happy new year everyone :)
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
epiphany
a few days ago, while i was blowing my hair dry, i had an epiphany. clear as the cloudless sky that morning, it struck me - i am not wife material.
seriously.
i don't have martha stewart fantasies even when i love burying myself in crafts at times or spending three days in a row cooking up a pasta storm.
i know - being a wife isn't all about playing house. it's just that right now, i can't stand the thought of staying put, for husband or child for that matter. not when some dreams still need to be realized.
i am, i can say, girlfriend material.
well at least one thing's for certain.
happy holidays everyone :)
seriously.
i don't have martha stewart fantasies even when i love burying myself in crafts at times or spending three days in a row cooking up a pasta storm.
i know - being a wife isn't all about playing house. it's just that right now, i can't stand the thought of staying put, for husband or child for that matter. not when some dreams still need to be realized.
i am, i can say, girlfriend material.
well at least one thing's for certain.
happy holidays everyone :)
Sunday, December 05, 2004
life as it is
like i've said, i've been extremely busy.
in the middle of production and designing new items for my lounge, sleep & beach collection, balancing finances and launching a new magazine, negativity has still managed to find its way in.
after almost five years of being together, my boyfriend and i have been constantly asked the BIG question - "when are you two getting married?"
i've gone from mona lisa smiles to childlike pouts and the occasional exaggerated grimace. though few people have stopped there, most begged to pursue the discussion. this question & answer portion is always present in family gatherings, drinking parties & of course, weddings. it has become such a routine to the point that our creativity has been put to good use.
in spite of all these, there are precious few who know the truth. close friends & family who've watched us grow as a couple. but lately, these same people have started asking us, WHEN?
so why negativity? because no matter how i try to answer their unending questions, they still fail to understand WHY. they nod their heads sadly, quietly wishing i felt differently. worse, one person very close to my heart has challenged me with statements like "do you really think he'd wait for you longer?". it has gotten so bad that she even doubts if bf has any plans at all, specifically pointing out the absence of a ring on my finger.
but i don't even want a ring. i want my life as it is.
i like how i'm rediscovering old passions, revealing new talents and reinventing ME. right now i'm simply trying to be the person i've always wanted to be, and it's a very scary process. each day brings a new opportunity as well as uncertainty. although i know where i want to go, i'm not certain what the best way is to get there. each day is a challenge as it is and when the people you depend on for support question the decisions you make, the day just becomes a tad harder to deal with.
someday, i would like to get married. but not just yet.
as much as i believe in marriage, stronger is the belief that not everyone's sole purpose in life is to tie the knot. that individuals who decide differently shouldn't be judged nor frowned upon. no one, not even celebrities who make a living out of public scrutiny, should be told how to live life. but i guess in a society where no one is ever content, where your body is either too thin or too fat and never just right, this message is difficult to get across.
in the midst of all this negativity, one person has remained open-minded and understanding. my boyfriend, my personal cheerleader, my devil's advocate. he listens to my ideas without judgment, talks about my plans with sincerity and helps in weighing out my options. once in a while he gets me tissue when i can't help but be the teary-eyed diva i've become these last few & frantic weeks.
when words fail, he gives me a big hug that tells me i'll be alright.
and this is what i call positivity.
in the middle of production and designing new items for my lounge, sleep & beach collection, balancing finances and launching a new magazine, negativity has still managed to find its way in.
after almost five years of being together, my boyfriend and i have been constantly asked the BIG question - "when are you two getting married?"
i've gone from mona lisa smiles to childlike pouts and the occasional exaggerated grimace. though few people have stopped there, most begged to pursue the discussion. this question & answer portion is always present in family gatherings, drinking parties & of course, weddings. it has become such a routine to the point that our creativity has been put to good use.
in spite of all these, there are precious few who know the truth. close friends & family who've watched us grow as a couple. but lately, these same people have started asking us, WHEN?
so why negativity? because no matter how i try to answer their unending questions, they still fail to understand WHY. they nod their heads sadly, quietly wishing i felt differently. worse, one person very close to my heart has challenged me with statements like "do you really think he'd wait for you longer?". it has gotten so bad that she even doubts if bf has any plans at all, specifically pointing out the absence of a ring on my finger.
but i don't even want a ring. i want my life as it is.
i like how i'm rediscovering old passions, revealing new talents and reinventing ME. right now i'm simply trying to be the person i've always wanted to be, and it's a very scary process. each day brings a new opportunity as well as uncertainty. although i know where i want to go, i'm not certain what the best way is to get there. each day is a challenge as it is and when the people you depend on for support question the decisions you make, the day just becomes a tad harder to deal with.
someday, i would like to get married. but not just yet.
as much as i believe in marriage, stronger is the belief that not everyone's sole purpose in life is to tie the knot. that individuals who decide differently shouldn't be judged nor frowned upon. no one, not even celebrities who make a living out of public scrutiny, should be told how to live life. but i guess in a society where no one is ever content, where your body is either too thin or too fat and never just right, this message is difficult to get across.
in the midst of all this negativity, one person has remained open-minded and understanding. my boyfriend, my personal cheerleader, my devil's advocate. he listens to my ideas without judgment, talks about my plans with sincerity and helps in weighing out my options. once in a while he gets me tissue when i can't help but be the teary-eyed diva i've become these last few & frantic weeks.
when words fail, he gives me a big hug that tells me i'll be alright.
and this is what i call positivity.
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
good and bad
i'm pissed.
which is actually a good thing, considering just hours ago i was mad as hell. as much as i am aware of the insolence of people's weaknesses, i also believe in fate. that everything has a reason. right now, i just don't care what that is.
i had a wonderful weekend though. a long weekend celebrating my boyfriend's 30th birthday. with his brother & cousin who flew all the way from starbucks (believe me, they actually live there) we spent a quiet afternoon in one of my favorite hideaways - chema's by the sea. a tiny beach resort with lush gardens, lovely cabanas and a saltwater infinity pool all coated in silence. who would have thought that this place was just five minutes by boat from the city?
it doesn't end there. the next day, we were up at 6:00 am to take a another boat ride to a precious cove situated two hours away from the mad city crowd. instead of fine sands, the beach is made up of pebbles, white & peach, in all molds and sizes. the place is also a marine sanctuary, the abundance of corals and tropical fish is indeed an underwater sight to behold. being on that island is like being in the middle of nowhere. on one end, there are rock formations and two thatched huts for the occasional visitors. while on the other stands a nipa duplex where the caretaker and his family live.
manong caretaker - photo taken by martin (my boyfriend's brother
it's not the easiest place to get to, but it's definitely one of the best places to be in. once in a while we bring a kayak and spend the afternoon exploring the cove. mostly it's just floating on our backs until it's time to pack up.
how we live in stressful times. on some days though, life is a beach.
which is actually a good thing, considering just hours ago i was mad as hell. as much as i am aware of the insolence of people's weaknesses, i also believe in fate. that everything has a reason. right now, i just don't care what that is.
i had a wonderful weekend though. a long weekend celebrating my boyfriend's 30th birthday. with his brother & cousin who flew all the way from starbucks (believe me, they actually live there) we spent a quiet afternoon in one of my favorite hideaways - chema's by the sea. a tiny beach resort with lush gardens, lovely cabanas and a saltwater infinity pool all coated in silence. who would have thought that this place was just five minutes by boat from the city?
it doesn't end there. the next day, we were up at 6:00 am to take a another boat ride to a precious cove situated two hours away from the mad city crowd. instead of fine sands, the beach is made up of pebbles, white & peach, in all molds and sizes. the place is also a marine sanctuary, the abundance of corals and tropical fish is indeed an underwater sight to behold. being on that island is like being in the middle of nowhere. on one end, there are rock formations and two thatched huts for the occasional visitors. while on the other stands a nipa duplex where the caretaker and his family live.
manong caretaker - photo taken by martin (my boyfriend's brother
it's not the easiest place to get to, but it's definitely one of the best places to be in. once in a while we bring a kayak and spend the afternoon exploring the cove. mostly it's just floating on our backs until it's time to pack up.
how we live in stressful times. on some days though, life is a beach.
Sunday, November 21, 2004
trenta años
my boyfriend is turning 30 tomorrow :)
like a debutante, he's been planning the big event for weeks. even when his birthday was still months away, i'd catch him saying to no one in particular "trenta na ako". like he was trying to fit it on for size. to which i would always reply teasingly "i'm going to have a 30 year old boyfriend!". he'd laugh and shake his head.
i remember being surrounded by the older people when we were kids. on family reunions, we listened to grown-up conversations about work, who the good teachers were and neighbours who've just moved in. we stared in curiousity as one of our uncles takes a swig, shiny brown bottle in his hand while our aunt brings in a fresh plate of pulutan. we looked up to them and thought, this is how it's going to be when we get older.
thirty after all is considered to be a man's ripe age for marriage. thirty meant having a one-year old child in a stroller and driving a three-year old toddler to playschool. yet as i look at my boyfriend of almost five years, i realize he's just an overgrown kid. even with a beer in hand, he doesn't look anything like my uncles. it's not just him. i look at myself, our friends and we don't look like the older people stored in my memories. or do we?
maybe in this age, we've come to realize the importance of youth. instead of marrying young, we've decided to explore paths which were left untrodden by our parents. we do not tie the knot with our high school sweethearts (although once in a while a lucky couple beat the odds). we journey far and wide, in hopes of achieving bigger dreams. we put marriage on hold but not romance - never romance. at least that's how i feel.
in spite of our relentless pursuit of personal goals, we embrace romance like our parents and grandparents did. for now, age limits have changed, but there are things that remain the same.
for now, i'm going to have a thirty-year old boyfriend. if this thought occured to a much much younger version of myself, the poor kid would probably suffer a nervous breakdown. now, i can only laugh and shake my head.
like a debutante, he's been planning the big event for weeks. even when his birthday was still months away, i'd catch him saying to no one in particular "trenta na ako". like he was trying to fit it on for size. to which i would always reply teasingly "i'm going to have a 30 year old boyfriend!". he'd laugh and shake his head.
i remember being surrounded by the older people when we were kids. on family reunions, we listened to grown-up conversations about work, who the good teachers were and neighbours who've just moved in. we stared in curiousity as one of our uncles takes a swig, shiny brown bottle in his hand while our aunt brings in a fresh plate of pulutan. we looked up to them and thought, this is how it's going to be when we get older.
thirty after all is considered to be a man's ripe age for marriage. thirty meant having a one-year old child in a stroller and driving a three-year old toddler to playschool. yet as i look at my boyfriend of almost five years, i realize he's just an overgrown kid. even with a beer in hand, he doesn't look anything like my uncles. it's not just him. i look at myself, our friends and we don't look like the older people stored in my memories. or do we?
maybe in this age, we've come to realize the importance of youth. instead of marrying young, we've decided to explore paths which were left untrodden by our parents. we do not tie the knot with our high school sweethearts (although once in a while a lucky couple beat the odds). we journey far and wide, in hopes of achieving bigger dreams. we put marriage on hold but not romance - never romance. at least that's how i feel.
in spite of our relentless pursuit of personal goals, we embrace romance like our parents and grandparents did. for now, age limits have changed, but there are things that remain the same.
for now, i'm going to have a thirty-year old boyfriend. if this thought occured to a much much younger version of myself, the poor kid would probably suffer a nervous breakdown. now, i can only laugh and shake my head.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
confessions of a butterfly
i was a successful public relations executive in my hometown's leading international hotel. for over five years, i gained the respect of colleagues and recognition in the industry. a few envied the status i've achieved at a young age while my family took pride. a bright career path was laid out before me. so it was a big surprise when i quit my job, packed my bags and headed to australia. not the most practical decision since no new job was in store, no relatives were there to take me around. just a thirteen year old promise to an aussie-pinoy friend and the unexplainable urge to go fueled by wanderlust.
everyone who knows me well enough is no stranger to my incessant travel bug. annual vacations were spent on islands surrounded by the pacific ocean. spur of the moment decisions were made to travel to strange lands. i come back poorer and happier each time, with a bunch of photographs that were much more anticipated than my arrival. for a long while i justified keeping my dayjob in order to support traveling, until my office and eventually the world had become very small. i have traveled to new destinations and in doing so, arrived to a better understanding of myself and what i truly want. after months of mapping out the near future and tons of indecisive moments, i finally did it. i took the first step in changing my life.
how often do we really listen to our passions and go after our dreams - a romantic notion and a frightening reality altogether. i realize that inspite of all the skills i've acquired and the knowledge i've embraced these past few years, i am still the child who loves to take evening walks and can gaze up the stars for hours, trying to figure out the constellations. i'm the girl who grew up, still loving the ocean and dreaming of circling the globe. i must admit i own too many dreams for one lifetime. trust me, becoming a writer-travel photographer-marine biologist-hollywood ingenue-chef-guitarist-and fashion designer may be a few steps shy from impossible. the point is, there are so many things to do and love in this world. with each journey that i take, i rediscover myself and my passions. with each journey, horizons are stretched and beliefs are challenged. i grow with a better grasp of human nature and more importantly, an appreciation of being on my own - and being happy with the only constant company i keep.
now you may think I've done it!... in a way, maybe i have. i've gathered the right amount of craziness and courage to follow my dreams, reckless as they may seem. but my story doesn't deserve a page in some glossy magazine (not even a paragraph!). not yet anyway. i still haven't achieved what i've set out for. i'm back home from a month-long sojourn in a foreign land and the balloons that brought me high up in the skies are popping one by one, bringing me down slowly to reality. some days doubt sets in, uncertain if my will is stronger than fate. there are days when i can't wait to jump on the next plane and spend the last of my savings for yet another string of exciting discoveries. but not once have i looked back with regret for leaving that old life behind.
if there is one thing that i am sure of, it's this - this yearning inside can only be pacified by distant shores, of adventures waiting to be told and the freedom to be whoever i want to be in a place of my choosing. yes i'm fresh out of the cocoon, still struggling through life's somewhat unreasonable obstacles, fluttering in mid air. in my heart i know i will get there, wherever it may be.
and when that time comes, i'll let you know. if only to inspire and wake another free spirit to spread her wings and take flight.
excerpt from an old journal
I have forgotten. I’ve placed the past in a box, tucked between my favorite books. I have forgotten how much it hurts to be reminded of this past. It hurts to write this down and start all over. But it’s something that I have to do, before the hurting gets worse and before I start forgetting again.
I lost myself once to a man I loved deeply, someone who loved me back. For some unfathomable reason I knew it would be him, right from the beginning. In him I had found the other half of my soul, not even knowing till then that I was missing it. I discovered love that took me to great, astonishing heights. An obsession that pulsed like drums and transcended the physical it often hurt. And I accepted him with open arms. He became my passion.
We were both fearless, trudging along in new territories. Deep inside we were afraid. We loved each other extremely that it was too easy for us to hurt one another. Time and again I would check who’s loving who more. It drove me mad until the relationship could no longer take my irrational behavior.
My heart was shattered that night he decided to end it. I didn’t even say goodbye refusing to believe that he had really left me. It turned out I didn’t have that luxury. He just left. Yet no matter how painful & unbearable it was, I was forced to understand & accept what was no longer in my hands. As time watched me pick up the pieces, it was long before my heart was mended. I had changed. I was no longer afraid, no longer weak to my insecurities. I did lose myself, but eventually my soul became whole and stronger with the certainty that inspite of his abandonment, I still loved him. With this sadness I held him close, kept him beside me each night with our silent conversations. Imaginary talks that didn’t seem too imaginary at all, and these held my sanity intact. For I recognized I was skirting the edge of an emotional cliff. Without him I knew I would fall and lose myself all over again.
Two years later we would meet and fate would once again give us a chance. How could it not? I just knew that he’d come back. It is just this sort of knowing that inexplicably stems out from the passion we shared. An impossible belief in things that words cannot express.
No steps were missed this time, no beats skipped. My heart was intact and it was ready. I thought that after two years of grounding, I would be well equipped for anything and willing to accept once again what he had to give me. But I was wrong. He didn’t want my (his) soul back. He wanted an easy detached relationship – no commitment, no nightly contacts and just a few calculated I love yous. We were, after all, miles apart. Two years had given us lives of our own. Still I knew that we would never have a life without each other. It was a trap that destiny wittingly bestowed upon us.
So I consented. I embraced him and his fashionable approach to our newfound relationship. It came with Rules, which I foolishly trusted, thinking that this was the Formula that would work. I believed I could not, should not ask for more. I saw myself as the recipient of the gift, not realizing that I too had gifts to give. That I owe it to myself to ask for the things I really want.
Then one day someone asked for my name, then for a date. So I said to myself, do this - You’re not breaking the Rules, in fact, you’re going by them. Days turned into nights, nights turned into weeks. Deep inside I was waiting for him to flash the red light, junk the formula aside and give our love another chance. Love with all the pain, hurt and tears. As I’ve said, I was ready. But sadly, he was not.
So I found myself with someone who held my hand even when it wasn’t ready for him - he who opened the window and let the sunlight in. Like a starving plant, I found myself being drawn closer yet my mind refused to believe it could happen. I wanted my soul-giver, but he remained distant. Little by little, I found myself smiling and laughing for much different reasons. I was running and dancing and bathing in sunshine, and I could no longer argue with my heart. My heart, broken and unbroken, was without a doubt ready – not just to love but also to be happy.
To this day, saying goodbye to the passion is still the most painful decision I have ever made. It is also one that I do not regret. I have come into terms of my acceptance of our destinies. We are one, yet we are two separate beings. Our strengths and weaknesses have chosen this path. Through all this, our love and pain will remain beautiful.
I can never give my half soul back. I can no longer distinguish where it ends & begins. It is mine to keep I realize that now. I may never get over the pain of having to let a person like that go, just like you can’t stop laughing over a good joke that has been said and heard many times. But I can stop remembering.
I realize I cannot keep the past in a box. It will not hide forever in dusty corners. It will stay here, with me.
In my arms I now cradle my Giant unexpected gift, my life’s sunbeam. Because of him I’ve learned to stop counting the times I say I love you and stop keeping tabs on who said sorry first. I’ve learned to appreciate what loving someone can do, without rules and restrictions. I’ve learned that if you are fortunate enough to be loved by one selfless man, wounds will eventually heal.
Finally I am whole, and happy.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
sydney on my mind
sydney opera house
" will you write about sydney? " asked the guy who sat beside me on my usual train ride to the city. he was a student, on his way to an accounting exam. upon finding out i was taking this short course on travel writing & photography, the question was posed. with a sure smile, i said "definitely". that was almost two months ago and i haven't finished my travelogue. so here i am, in between bites of sour-cream cheesecake, trying to make good of a promise made to the aussie lad whose name i didn't catch.
City lights shine like stars as the plane flies over the continent. After seemingly endless goodbyes and too many sleepless hours, I find myself looking down on Australia. My tear-stained face gives way to a smile. The brisk winter wind is fresh on my face as I step outside the airport. With trusty backpack in hand, my grand adventure begins..........
ok, so i'm not done yet. i have 3.5 pages of blurb almost all of which are indecipherable. there's just too many good things to remember and write about. plus the fact that i'm so wanting to go back there - not a very good pastime i say. i should be busy making pajamas, not daydreaming about sydney.
a little something about the pajamas. Tiptoe - loungewear, sleepwear & beachwear (registered with dti, thank you very much) is once again joining the mad rush of christmas bazaars. this baby of mine is turning four years old next month! an occasion that demands a whole sour cream cheesecake (with candles of course). but anyway, that's another story...err, blog :)
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
horizons
"...watching kids watching the sunset"
the world is only as big as we make it to be.
in the midst of strangers, on a cold winter night, i found myself for a while. over the years, i've been blessed with similar moments - like floating in the middle of the pacific, watching kids watching the sunset, taking solitary walks along bohemian streets or chatting with a stranger on what could have been an ordinary train ride. traveling is a song, a symphony and i am continually searching for myself, dancing my way in this world.
Monday, September 27, 2004
my escape
a traveler and a better writer than myself wrote "An alternative, is perhaps what people are really looking for, even for just a while--something different, a change of perspective, a detour from the mainstream flow of things in order to get in touch with what is real once more"
this is why i travel. to escape from a life that family and friends see fit. to slip away from a society that tells you to have babies soon because your biological clock is tick-tocking louder and the neighbours are listening. where girlfriends greet you with looks of feigned concern when they say you should put on a few more pounds, patting your shoulders and nodding their heads sadly like they would if somebody's dog had died. perplexed why my physical state deserves an editorial, a smile is all i could offer to keep myself from screaming. why do they care how a person should look? i eat what i want & i'm damn happy to fit nicely in my bikini. i can't help but wonder, when did they start losing touch with things that really matter?
oh don't get me wrong. i love my home, stifling as it may be at times. but always inside me is a yearning that can only be pacified by the sound of the ocean, the indescribable feeling of being in a strange place, the sight of bright pink sunsets and night skies spattered with a thousand stars. i dream of waking in whitewashed stone cottages with windows overlooking the mediterranean. of living in an ancient city until my tongue is no longer a stranger to its language. carefree dreams and they keep me going, knowing that there are many bright wonderful things in this world waiting to be discovered.
this is why i travel. to escape from a life that family and friends see fit. to slip away from a society that tells you to have babies soon because your biological clock is tick-tocking louder and the neighbours are listening. where girlfriends greet you with looks of feigned concern when they say you should put on a few more pounds, patting your shoulders and nodding their heads sadly like they would if somebody's dog had died. perplexed why my physical state deserves an editorial, a smile is all i could offer to keep myself from screaming. why do they care how a person should look? i eat what i want & i'm damn happy to fit nicely in my bikini. i can't help but wonder, when did they start losing touch with things that really matter?
oh don't get me wrong. i love my home, stifling as it may be at times. but always inside me is a yearning that can only be pacified by the sound of the ocean, the indescribable feeling of being in a strange place, the sight of bright pink sunsets and night skies spattered with a thousand stars. i dream of waking in whitewashed stone cottages with windows overlooking the mediterranean. of living in an ancient city until my tongue is no longer a stranger to its language. carefree dreams and they keep me going, knowing that there are many bright wonderful things in this world waiting to be discovered.
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
journey
you see me taking these little trips and you think to yourself "there she goes again, on another vacation". traveling is so much more than this. it's life's bigger lesson. it's opening our eyes and experiencing unfamiliar territories, appreciating and understanding different cultures. traveling is an opportunity to raise our consciousness.
i start journeys with plans but more often than not i follow my senses ~ a heavenly smell that leads to a corner bakeshop. the sound of music flowing from a saxophone in the middle of a busy street. or the sight of the ocean, stark naked on a tuesday afternoon.
travelling down a new path has started me on a journey to independence and ultimately self-discovery. it has taught me to wander off on my own and relish my privacy. i discover that being alone in a strange land, can be oddly liberating.
i've met many people, made a few good friends and always, on each occasion, learned a whole lot more about the world we live in. i come back a bit thinner, darker, poorer maybe, yet happier in ways that are truly immeasurable.
home is a wonderful place. but sooner than later, i will find myself elsewhere, in another strange place, wherever this wanderlust takes me.
Sunday, September 19, 2004
Saturday, September 18, 2004
letter to a friend
hey,
it's so good to hear from you. you're such a sweetheart pretending to be concerned about me and all :)
well, sometimes i still feel lost. but there are so many instances that are just too good, you know? like one cloudless afternoon when i walked out the opera house after watching this divine play, i asked myself if this is it, the life that i want. if this is all worth leaving home and a so called career. and you know what, YES! it's all so worth it.
funny how i don't get homesick except maybe minutes before i fall to sleep. there's so much to discover i can hardly keep all the excitement in without bursting to pieces. i just keep thinking that hopefully one day, i can somehow share these things with my loved ones.
i may not find what i'm looking for here. then maybe i'll find it in europe! who knows?! we never really know where we're going, not until we get there. so don't worry too much.
there are times i think about the future, about settling down & how nice it must be. i don't think i'm really ready. not unless he's willing to go wherever this incredible wanderlust takes me.
i really really wish i can go there soon. then you can take me to tahoe, camping and yeah, shopping.
so is this white chick a one-off thing or are did you trick her into dating you? play safe cassanova.
take care yourself. and please, keep in touch.
hugs & one big kiss on the cheek,
it's so good to hear from you. you're such a sweetheart pretending to be concerned about me and all :)
well, sometimes i still feel lost. but there are so many instances that are just too good, you know? like one cloudless afternoon when i walked out the opera house after watching this divine play, i asked myself if this is it, the life that i want. if this is all worth leaving home and a so called career. and you know what, YES! it's all so worth it.
funny how i don't get homesick except maybe minutes before i fall to sleep. there's so much to discover i can hardly keep all the excitement in without bursting to pieces. i just keep thinking that hopefully one day, i can somehow share these things with my loved ones.
i may not find what i'm looking for here. then maybe i'll find it in europe! who knows?! we never really know where we're going, not until we get there. so don't worry too much.
there are times i think about the future, about settling down & how nice it must be. i don't think i'm really ready. not unless he's willing to go wherever this incredible wanderlust takes me.
i really really wish i can go there soon. then you can take me to tahoe, camping and yeah, shopping.
so is this white chick a one-off thing or are did you trick her into dating you? play safe cassanova.
take care yourself. and please, keep in touch.
hugs & one big kiss on the cheek,
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