I have forgotten. I’ve placed the past in a box, tucked between my favorite books. I have forgotten how much it hurts to be reminded of this past. It hurts to write this down and start all over. But it’s something that I have to do, before the hurting gets worse and before I start forgetting again.
I lost myself once to a man I loved deeply, someone who loved me back. For some unfathomable reason I knew it would be him, right from the beginning. In him I had found the other half of my soul, not even knowing till then that I was missing it. I discovered love that took me to great, astonishing heights. An obsession that pulsed like drums and transcended the physical it often hurt. And I accepted him with open arms. He became my passion.
We were both fearless, trudging along in new territories. Deep inside we were afraid. We loved each other extremely that it was too easy for us to hurt one another. Time and again I would check who’s loving who more. It drove me mad until the relationship could no longer take my irrational behavior.
My heart was shattered that night he decided to end it. I didn’t even say goodbye refusing to believe that he had really left me. It turned out I didn’t have that luxury. He just left. Yet no matter how painful & unbearable it was, I was forced to understand & accept what was no longer in my hands. As time watched me pick up the pieces, it was long before my heart was mended. I had changed. I was no longer afraid, no longer weak to my insecurities. I did lose myself, but eventually my soul became whole and stronger with the certainty that inspite of his abandonment, I still loved him. With this sadness I held him close, kept him beside me each night with our silent conversations. Imaginary talks that didn’t seem too imaginary at all, and these held my sanity intact. For I recognized I was skirting the edge of an emotional cliff. Without him I knew I would fall and lose myself all over again.
Two years later we would meet and fate would once again give us a chance. How could it not? I just knew that he’d come back. It is just this sort of knowing that inexplicably stems out from the passion we shared. An impossible belief in things that words cannot express.
No steps were missed this time, no beats skipped. My heart was intact and it was ready. I thought that after two years of grounding, I would be well equipped for anything and willing to accept once again what he had to give me. But I was wrong. He didn’t want my (his) soul back. He wanted an easy detached relationship – no commitment, no nightly contacts and just a few calculated I love yous. We were, after all, miles apart. Two years had given us lives of our own. Still I knew that we would never have a life without each other. It was a trap that destiny wittingly bestowed upon us.
So I consented. I embraced him and his fashionable approach to our newfound relationship. It came with Rules, which I foolishly trusted, thinking that this was the Formula that would work. I believed I could not, should not ask for more. I saw myself as the recipient of the gift, not realizing that I too had gifts to give. That I owe it to myself to ask for the things I really want.
Then one day someone asked for my name, then for a date. So I said to myself, do this - You’re not breaking the Rules, in fact, you’re going by them. Days turned into nights, nights turned into weeks. Deep inside I was waiting for him to flash the red light, junk the formula aside and give our love another chance. Love with all the pain, hurt and tears. As I’ve said, I was ready. But sadly, he was not.
So I found myself with someone who held my hand even when it wasn’t ready for him - he who opened the window and let the sunlight in. Like a starving plant, I found myself being drawn closer yet my mind refused to believe it could happen. I wanted my soul-giver, but he remained distant. Little by little, I found myself smiling and laughing for much different reasons. I was running and dancing and bathing in sunshine, and I could no longer argue with my heart. My heart, broken and unbroken, was without a doubt ready – not just to love but also to be happy.
To this day, saying goodbye to the passion is still the most painful decision I have ever made. It is also one that I do not regret. I have come into terms of my acceptance of our destinies. We are one, yet we are two separate beings. Our strengths and weaknesses have chosen this path. Through all this, our love and pain will remain beautiful.
I can never give my half soul back. I can no longer distinguish where it ends & begins. It is mine to keep I realize that now. I may never get over the pain of having to let a person like that go, just like you can’t stop laughing over a good joke that has been said and heard many times. But I can stop remembering.
I realize I cannot keep the past in a box. It will not hide forever in dusty corners. It will stay here, with me.
In my arms I now cradle my Giant unexpected gift, my life’s sunbeam. Because of him I’ve learned to stop counting the times I say I love you and stop keeping tabs on who said sorry first. I’ve learned to appreciate what loving someone can do, without rules and restrictions. I’ve learned that if you are fortunate enough to be loved by one selfless man, wounds will eventually heal.
Finally I am whole, and happy.
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