one of the things i love most in this world is my husband's laughter. how it shakes the air around me and makes all the happy bubbles inside me pop. it's astonishing the way you see these things when you're letting someone go. how the littlest things you've always known and loved are highlighted in this moment.
what makes me stay and what makes me go? i've asked this one before and came up with only silence for an answer. but now i've come to a better understanding of my own truths. love and fear made me stay, and it is also love and fear that force me to go out and continue the search. this is why i had always been so conflicted. i had always taken into account the pros & cons; the good & bad. aware of both sides without fully risking and banking on just the pros, refusing to place my highest bets on only the good. i had allowed myself to settle, not for less, but for that fine balance between the two. it is in this space where i managed to find myself trapped; and consequently it is also in this same space where i realized that it was I who had given my own freedom away.
Lao Tzu has said "being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." it is in the way that my husband loves me have i found the strength to conquer the fear that has plagued me for years. it is my love for him that gives me the courage to brave that great unknown and to meet it with open arms. i may be crazy for wanting more when what i have is even greater than what others can only hope for - a deeply loving partner, a man i love taking care of, someone who respects me and treats me equally, someone who makes life very comfortable for me... and yet with all these there is still something that I am missing. i know there is more for both of us out there that we're not claiming by choosing to stay together and this truth hurts like a knife in my heart. but his capacity to understand and ability to keep an open mind tell me that i'm on the right track somehow. his love humbles me and his grace, his immense gracefulness leaves me breathless.
i'm fully aware that my own actions have led me to this place. i had decided on some very big things with a heavy heart. looking back i see a girl shrouded in so much sadness, a veil so thick that she wore it like her skin. in spite of my happy childhood i've always sensed this energy around me - this strange affinity for sad music & poetry, the way i'm only attracted to books and stories with sad endings and this constant recognition of the word, thought & feeling in every street corner. i've been cutting through this skin for years, a painful yet deeply rewarding process of peeling layer after layer. how many lifetimes have i had this - i really don't know. what i do know is i can stop it. sadness is no longer a destination in my book. i know i deserve to be happy - and that's the skin i want to shine through.
in yoga when we find ourselves in a pose that hurts us, more often than not it's caused by a misalignment in our bodies. the same is true for our souls. when something is causing us to suffer, chances are the decision that led us to that suffering wasn't aligned with our hearts' deepest desire. i know that this is what i'm missing, that which i've been working on since i started on this path. thus i'm learning to align my self in ways that can only be good for me - i'm creating new habits, listening to the voice within and constantly choosing better. because now I Know i want to find that place of goodness for my self, to complete what's long been missing and to finally take that chance at being truly happy.
