the gift

more often than not, i had taken the baby steps approach whenever i'm working towards something. i believed that by getting my feet wet more often then the chances of swimming out to the deeper end of the sea becomes bigger. but now i'm learning through my yoga practice that in order to build my strength then i have to change my body - and that takes a lot of courage. it's a scary thing to finally be standing on your head and your hands when you're so used to keeping your feet on the ground. it's scary to do it in the middle of the room when you'd rather have the wall against your back. it makes me examine my life and look at all the existing walls that i've kept and refused to let go. i know that something in my life has to change and no one else can do it save for myself... and there's no baby stepping around that.

now each time i get on my mat and practice lifting myself up, i change my fearful habits and learn to ground myself in all the right ways. i also know i'm creating changes within me. because it's true, insanity is indeed doing the same things over and over again then expecting different results. i mean i may be crazy for wanting to stand on my hands and have my feet up in the air (welcome to our world!) but i'm not that kind of crazy who wants to beat herself up doing the exact same thing and just praying that it will turn out differently.

a year ago i would have gone to the extremes making sure that everything in my life has to work. but i've learned the hard way that if i try to control everything and everyone, i end up losing control of my self. and so i've learned to give grace more space to breathe. i've learned to trust it more and to take my sights away from the end goal. because now i know what will be is a bonus and that what is is the real prize. the process of becoming is such a gift and i am grateful for it.

everyday miracles

the most random things tug at my heartstrings. take for example at 9:00 pm not too many nights ago, a couple walks in the restaurant where i was having a bowl of steaming pho. one of the staff quickly gives them the sorry news that they've closed. the look on their faces told me that they've tried their luck at the one beside and the one across and probably a few other places before that. yet their eyes mirrored a sadness that far outweighed their dinner situation. i didn't know these two people and i had no idea what they did for a living what they're like or where they're from. they were ordinary middle class citizens like any other, the type you wouldn't give a second glance if you pass them on the street. but on that night for some strange reason, something inside me stirred and i felt a gentle tightness in my chest that threatened to move up my throat and into my tear ducts. i know it sounds silly but for a split-second there i felt it. this sensation that these two strangers were burdened in some way, that the only thing that can provide temporary ease was a place to sit down and a hot meal to tell them that they've made it through the day.

i get these sudden bursts of compassion in the most unexpected moments and for people i haven't even met. it makes me wonder why it is sometimes harder for us to be compassionate to the ones we know. it amazes me how easy it is to see and even understand when we don't let what we know get in the way.

by the sea

there is something in the air that tells me this season is coming to a close. i feel a transition is on it's way. i sense the monsoon may soon end and the winds from the east will start to blow. i look around me and i wonder if the people on the beach sense it too. i wonder because living by the sea was what brought me to a better understanding of how it works. as though a switch was turned on and suddenly i had this personal relationship with nature. i started seeing the connection. the more i found out about the world i lived in, the more i learned about myself.

it is quite easy to see that none of us is perfect and yet we rarely pay attention to the fact that we are doing are best to be. in this we are all truly the same. we walk around surrounded by our dreams and ambitions, tormented by our sorrows and our failures and haunted by the constant thought that we become better if only. forgetting so easily that we have all that we need to be happy.

yet when we are told this, i wonder why we refuse to believe it. is it so impossible, the idea that happiness does not come from another person/house/life after all? have we gone so far from this truth that it has become so natural for us to resist it?

i believe that once we understand this connection we are brought to a better place and then we begin to see our sameness in the midst of all our differences. we can all take some comfort from that. this whole thing becomes less intimidating knowing we're not on our own and the realm of possibility moves within our reach. i wish we can all start to develop compassion for ourselves, then maybe, just maybe, we begin to give up searching and start seeing what's already growing inside us.


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Listening to: Nada Surf - Always Love

looking back

los angeles, winter 2009





i wish i had taken more photos of l.a.. this lack may have been because of the fact that i didn't do much walking and exploring while we were there. or maybe because my only intention in going was to see my seafaring little sister who was docking at long beach for the day. looking back i realize there is an oldness to the place that i find unexpected and charming. authentic 50's diners... sweet carousels... record stores... the santa monica pier that conjures stories from old storybooks.

and i truly wish i had taken more photos of that.


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Listening to: Death Cab For Cutie - Grapevine Fires

there'll be sun sun sun

Oh well in five years time we could be walking round a zoo
With the sun shining down over me and you
And there’ll be love in the bodies of the elephants too
And I’ll put my hands over your eyes, but you’ll peep through

And there’ll be sun sun sun
All over our bodies
And sun sun sun
All down our necks
And sun sun sun
All over our faces
And sun sun sun

So what the heck

Oh well I look at you and say
It’s the happiest that I’ve ever been
And I’ll say I no longer feel I have to be James Dean
And she’ll say
Yah well I feel all pretty happy too
And I’m always pretty happy when I’m just kicking back with you

And it’ll be
Love love love
All through our bodies
And love love love
All through our minds
And it be Love love love
All over her face
And Love love love
All over mine

The sun is back once again and these past few days have been filled with much island love. 5 Years Time by Noah & The Whale is my song of the moment. Everything about it reflects what feels good for me right now.

Five years time
I might not know you
Five years time
We might not speak
Oh in five years time
We might not get along
In five years time
You might just prove me wrong

have a listen!

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Listening to: Noah And The Whale - 5 Years Time

i wonder

i woke up this morning with a dream... and this song in my head.

a tug in my heart tells me i'm missing something.

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Listening to: The Weepies - Gotta Have You

missing summer

it's been cloudy & gray these past few days. only less than a week ago, a terrible storm hit the country and left hundreds of thousands of my countrymen homeless. most of them are still living in shelters while some are still stranded in flooded areas; we haven't recovered from it and already another storm is on its way.

it is in moments like this when i long for summer. when all the wind can blow is a feather. when days are light and hearts are carefree.

what do you miss?