yesterday

...i woke up early and saw the sunrise paint the sky with golden pink clouds. it was the last day of our yoga retreat and we were starting the day with a walking meditation. while we took slow steps and walked our way to the beach, the early morning sunlight got caught in my hair. rainbows of all colors danced on each strand and for a few seconds of eternity, my hair was exactly how i wanted it as a child - strawberry blond, like Nancy Drew's.

i remember my family having a Volkswagen when i was a child. i remember sitting in the passenger seat, a big scarf wrapped around my head and huge dark sunglasses covering my face. i remember sitting in the Shiny Green Beetle parked in our garage, waiting for my mom to find me. finally she came and the minute she saw me said "nikki, what are you doing?". i remember feeling so disappointed and thinking didn't Nancy Drew hide herself perfectly well in this disguise? stunned, i refused to move thinking she might Realize that it wasn't me after all. i stared straight out the windshield until she called me again. so i turned and asked "did you recognize me Mama? did you Know it was me?" she laughed the way mothers laugh at their silly daughters and said "Of course I knew it was you"

i guess i spent my younger days hiding behind sunglasses, writing poetry neatly hidden in my countless journals, letting chances pass me by, storing bottled feelings inside like Dropping Coins in a piggy bank, one by one. what is it about masks and disguises that we find so alluring? it must be the false perception that we are more interesting creatures than our true selves. we hide for fear of being seen, for fear of being discovered who we really are behind our mask. without it, we feel naked and Vulnerable. i used to be scared of my vulnerability, often mistaking it for weakness. for how easy it is for other people to hurt us when we leave ourselves too open.

Very Easy.

but then we grow older and we realize our ignorance. how our efforts are wasted on pretending and hiding and running away from what we would eventually seek. there will always be prettier girls, stronger men, tougher athletes and more intelligent writers. but there is only one You, one I. in the end we are the person we see first thing in the morning, sleepy eyes, hair sticking out in all the wrong places, no makeup, just us. In this barenakedness, in someone's eyes we are beautiful.

funny what one remembers just by looking at hair... i'm no nancy drew alright. I am Me.

and that is so much better :)

dream of a parallel universe

why the right thing seems wrong, and the wrong thing seems right...i've spun my own web, suspended in time and space. trapped between each precious night together, each intimate night apart. a parallel universe where this stark reality is but a hazy dream. found in sunsets and shadows and in blinding daylight where truth so raw cuts blindly through this elegant complexity. where each conflicted emotion, each borrowed moment, each enduring imperfection beats behind a single passionate intention -

to make us feel.

today

today i saw twilight came and watched as the stars faded into the morning light.

today i felt the cold air against my face while the sun rose slowly spreading himself to the world.

today i left with sadness while you and the rest of the island were still asleep.

today i'm counting even faster, counting days till i breathe the salt-laced air that the island breathes.

today i sense a sad certainty, like a slow current that circles my knees in shallow waters.

today more than yesterday i sense..i see..i feel.