confessions of a butterfly

photo by malina sternberg

with the birth of girlpower and magazines depicting today's strong women, it's no small wonder if you've come across stories of fearless individuals who've moved out of their comfort zones and taken the giant leap to transformation. ordinary females who braved the change of careers in order to change their lives. at 27 years old (barely a woman) i become one of them.

i was a successful public relations executive in my hometown's leading international hotel. for over five years, i gained the respect of colleagues and recognition in the industry. a few envied the status i've achieved at a young age while my family took pride. a bright career path was laid out before me. so it was a big surprise when i quit my job, packed my bags and headed to australia. not the most practical decision since no new job was in store, no relatives were there to take me around. just a thirteen year old promise to an aussie-pinoy friend and the unexplainable urge to go fueled by wanderlust.

everyone who knows me well enough is no stranger to my incessant travel bug. annual vacations were spent on islands surrounded by the pacific ocean. spur of the moment decisions were made to travel to strange lands. i come back poorer and happier each time, with a bunch of photographs that were much more anticipated than my arrival. for a long while i justified keeping my dayjob in order to support traveling, until my office and eventually the world had become very small. i have traveled to new destinations and in doing so, arrived to a better understanding of myself and what i truly want. after months of mapping out the near future and tons of indecisive moments, i finally did it. i took the first step in changing my life.

how often do we really listen to our passions and go after our dreams - a romantic notion and a frightening reality altogether. i realize that inspite of all the skills i've acquired and the knowledge i've embraced these past few years, i am still the child who loves to take evening walks and can gaze up the stars for hours, trying to figure out the constellations. i'm the girl who grew up, still loving the ocean and dreaming of circling the globe. i must admit i own too many dreams for one lifetime. trust me, becoming a writer-travel photographer-marine biologist-hollywood ingenue-chef-guitarist-and fashion designer may be a few steps shy from impossible. the point is, there are so many things to do and love in this world. with each journey that i take, i rediscover myself and my passions. with each journey, horizons are stretched and beliefs are challenged. i grow with a better grasp of human nature and more importantly, an appreciation of being on my own - and being happy with the only constant company i keep.

now you may think I've done it!... in a way, maybe i have. i've gathered the right amount of craziness and courage to follow my dreams, reckless as they may seem. but my story doesn't deserve a page in some glossy magazine (not even a paragraph!). not yet anyway. i still haven't achieved what i've set out for. i'm back home from a month-long sojourn in a foreign land and the balloons that brought me high up in the skies are popping one by one, bringing me down slowly to reality. some days doubt sets in, uncertain if my will is stronger than fate. there are days when i can't wait to jump on the next plane and spend the last of my savings for yet another string of exciting discoveries. but not once have i looked back with regret for leaving that old life behind.

if there is one thing that i am sure of, it's this - this yearning inside can only be pacified by distant shores, of adventures waiting to be told and the freedom to be whoever i want to be in a place of my choosing. yes i'm fresh out of the cocoon, still struggling through life's somewhat unreasonable obstacles, fluttering in mid air. in my heart i know i will get there, wherever it may be.

and when that time comes, i'll let you know. if only to inspire and wake another free spirit to spread her wings and take flight.

excerpt from an old journal

green reverie from sensing owls

I have forgotten. I’ve placed the past in a box, tucked between my favorite books. I have forgotten how much it hurts to be reminded of this past. It hurts to write this down and start all over. But it’s something that I have to do, before the hurting gets worse and before I start forgetting again.

I lost myself once to a man I loved deeply, someone who loved me back. For some unfathomable reason I knew it would be him, right from the beginning. In him I had found the other half of my soul, not even knowing till then that I was missing it. I discovered love that took me to great, astonishing heights. An obsession that pulsed like drums and transcended the physical it often hurt. And I accepted him with open arms. He became my passion.

We were both fearless, trudging along in new territories. Deep inside we were afraid. We loved each other extremely that it was too easy for us to hurt one another. Time and again I would check who’s loving who more. It drove me mad until the relationship could no longer take my irrational behavior.

My heart was shattered that night he decided to end it. I didn’t even say goodbye refusing to believe that he had really left me. It turned out I didn’t have that luxury. He just left. Yet no matter how painful & unbearable it was, I was forced to understand & accept what was no longer in my hands. As time watched me pick up the pieces, it was long before my heart was mended. I had changed. I was no longer afraid, no longer weak to my insecurities. I did lose myself, but eventually my soul became whole and stronger with the certainty that inspite of his abandonment, I still loved him. With this sadness I held him close, kept him beside me each night with our silent conversations. Imaginary talks that didn’t seem too imaginary at all, and these held my sanity intact. For I recognized I was skirting the edge of an emotional cliff. Without him I knew I would fall and lose myself all over again.

Two years later we would meet and fate would once again give us a chance. How could it not? I just knew that he’d come back. It is just this sort of knowing that inexplicably stems out from the passion we shared. An impossible belief in things that words cannot express.

No steps were missed this time, no beats skipped. My heart was intact and it was ready. I thought that after two years of grounding, I would be well equipped for anything and willing to accept once again what he had to give me. But I was wrong. He didn’t want my (his) soul back. He wanted an easy detached relationship – no commitment, no nightly contacts and just a few calculated I love yous. We were, after all, miles apart. Two years had given us lives of our own. Still I knew that we would never have a life without each other. It was a trap that destiny wittingly bestowed upon us.

So I consented. I embraced him and his fashionable approach to our newfound relationship. It came with Rules, which I foolishly trusted, thinking that this was the Formula that would work. I believed I could not, should not ask for more. I saw myself as the recipient of the gift, not realizing that I too had gifts to give. That I owe it to myself to ask for the things I really want.

Then one day someone asked for my name, then for a date. So I said to myself, do this - You’re not breaking the Rules, in fact, you’re going by them. Days turned into nights, nights turned into weeks. Deep inside I was waiting for him to flash the red light, junk the formula aside and give our love another chance. Love with all the pain, hurt and tears. As I’ve said, I was ready. But sadly, he was not.

So I found myself with someone who held my hand even when it wasn’t ready for him - he who opened the window and let the sunlight in. Like a starving plant, I found myself being drawn closer yet my mind refused to believe it could happen. I wanted my soul-giver, but he remained distant. Little by little, I found myself smiling and laughing for much different reasons. I was running and dancing and bathing in sunshine, and I could no longer argue with my heart. My heart, broken and unbroken, was without a doubt ready – not just to love but also to be happy.

To this day, saying goodbye to the passion is still the most painful decision I have ever made. It is also one that I do not regret. I have come into terms of my acceptance of our destinies. We are one, yet we are two separate beings. Our strengths and weaknesses have chosen this path. Through all this, our love and pain will remain beautiful.

I can never give my half soul back. I can no longer distinguish where it ends & begins. It is mine to keep I realize that now. I may never get over the pain of having to let a person like that go, just like you can’t stop laughing over a good joke that has been said and heard many times. But I can stop remembering.

I realize I cannot keep the past in a box. It will not hide forever in dusty corners. It will stay here, with me.

In my arms I now cradle my Giant unexpected gift, my life’s sunbeam. Because of him I’ve learned to stop counting the times I say I love you and stop keeping tabs on who said sorry first. I’ve learned to appreciate what loving someone can do, without rules and restrictions. I’ve learned that if you are fortunate enough to be loved by one selfless man, wounds will eventually heal.

Finally I am whole, and happy.

sydney on my mind

sydney opera house


" will you write about sydney? " asked the guy who sat beside me on my usual train ride to the city. he was a student, on his way to an accounting exam. upon finding out i was taking this short course on travel writing & photography, the question was posed. with a sure smile, i said "definitely". that was almost two months ago and i haven't finished my travelogue. so here i am, in between bites of sour-cream cheesecake, trying to make good of a promise made to the aussie lad whose name i didn't catch.

City lights shine like stars as the plane flies over the continent. After seemingly endless goodbyes and too many sleepless hours, I find myself looking down on Australia. My tear-stained face gives way to a smile. The brisk winter wind is fresh on my face as I step outside the airport. With trusty backpack in hand, my grand adventure begins..........

ok, so i'm not done yet. i have 3.5 pages of blurb almost all of which are indecipherable. there's just too many good things to remember and write about. plus the fact that i'm so wanting to go back there - not a very good pastime i say. i should be busy making pajamas, not daydreaming about sydney.

a little something about the pajamas. Tiptoe - loungewear, sleepwear & beachwear (registered with dti, thank you very much) is once again joining the mad rush of christmas bazaars. this baby of mine is turning four years old next month! an occasion that demands a whole sour cream cheesecake (with candles of course). but anyway, that's another story...err, blog :)

horizons

"...watching kids watching the sunset"

the world is only as big as we make it to be.

in the midst of strangers, on a cold winter night, i found myself for a while. over the years, i've been blessed with similar moments - like floating in the middle of the pacific, watching kids watching the sunset, taking solitary walks along bohemian streets or chatting with a stranger on what could have been an ordinary train ride. traveling is a song, a symphony and i am continually searching for myself, dancing my way in this world.