this little heart of mine

The best chance to be whole is to love whatever gets in the way, until it ceases to be an obstacle. - Mark Nepo

Though days have turned into weeks and weeks into months, I'm still in awe, still admiring the puzzle pieces that fit. There is a calmness in things that is equally new and familiar. This is a place that I know well and yet it feels entirely different.

In the past, calm was never anything more than episodes that came in clear, delicate spasms. Yet these days it settles into the cracks of my being, holding the pieces together in a way that I've never held myself before.

I remember the void all too well. The one that drove me to go beyond the lines I've drawn for myself & everyone around me. Yet I trudged on far beyond what was reasonable because I could no longer succumb to fear. Not this time. No amount of judgment nor disdain from others could restrain me from doing what I had to do. Hearts were broken, yes. Including my own. There comes a point when we realize that there's a need inside all of us that far outweighs the consequences.

Going to the midst of this abstract mess was the best way to find the truth. Cuts and bruises were earned as waves dumped over me and washed me back to shore. But wounds heal and scars form to mark the battles that say I've survived. Then little by little, the pieces start to fit. Now I see that what I had to go through, what I made myself go through, was essential to understanding this new ground I stand on. This is a place that I know well and I know why it feels different.

Something happens when you start loving the beautiful and unsightly versions of yourself unconditionally. It alters you at your deepest. It fills you with an insurmountable passion to embrace whatever gets in the way at whatever cost. Because now you're in on an open secret, loving yourself is your best saving grace.

My unaccustomed heart rests in wonder, while the sweetness of things unfold around me. The sound of waves. The hum of city lights. Same same - but different. This little heart of mine has gone through so much, has flown across the skies a thousand times in its wild search. But now it's landed.

matters of the heart

It hurts sometimes when you're healing. It's the sensation of your heart growing bigger. It's the feel of your old scar tissue breaking up and stretching. It's the tight and fearful knots of emotion opening up and learning to relax. Those old hurts were actually shrinking your heart... with tension, the way tightness in the back can curve and distort the spine.

I know it hurts, but you can learn to experience these feelings as intense sensation and simply surrender yourself; trusting that a new and better you will soon emerge. Fear and resistance will increase the pain. Love and acceptance will ease it.

You'll be opening up more room in your life for love.

- Dorothy Mendoza Row

my heart wanders

What would happen if one day you decided to follow your heart?

In the book My Heart Wanders Pia Jane Bijkerk shows us all the places where her wandering heart took her. Upon leaving a comfortable home in Sydney, she sets herself up in Paris then later finds a home in a houseboat in Amsterdam. Filled with beautiful images of her travels, this book is an inspirational memoir that awakens that voice inside of us. I can't wait to have my own copy, pick it up & hold it close to my heart!

Hers is a story that mirrors those whose spirits are filled with wanderlust. Exactly where would it take us, the very minute we follow that voice within that tells us to leave the comforts of our home, to take a risk & live the life of our dreams?

A dear friend shared something really beautiful last night. There are no wrong turns. What an amazing way to see things, to take responsibility for our own actions & trust that grace is indeed with us every step of the way. My heart has led me here, to a magical life on an island filled with skies that awaken the soul, surrounded by an ocean of free spirits who live their lives with truth & passion. And yet my heart continues to speak, of other islands where waves call out to play & far away lands where words are spoken differently. It's like opening a door to your heart & finding other doors that lead to other places.

But it's not always easy, noh? It's painful when you realize that some journeys are meant to be traveled alone... when we have to leave things, places & people behind because otherwise we betray our own soul. It's rarely ever easy especially when we struggle to hold on & find ways to maybe, just maybe we can move on without letting go. This is why stories like Pia's inspire us greatly, why stories of so many other courageous & beautiful beings out there resonate deeply in our hearts. This where the truth lies... and following it is the only way we can ever be free.

There is a need inside of us that far outweigh the outcome. How can we ever rest & be true to ourselves if we don't listen?

path of the heart

When you open fully to your experience you discover how wonderful it is to be alive; sometimes funny, sometimes tragic, sometimes ordinary, sometimes sublime. You learn not to shut down when feelings become bothersome; to stay awake even when it’s unpleasant. This is the path of the heart: to develop tenderness toward yourself by opening to the wonders and complexities of your self, which allows you to open to the wonders and complexity of the world. - Dr. Gail Parker


i have been asking my self these days the big Why's (why can't it work this way, why can't it be...) and i realize that i really should stop questioning and start trusting. each time i question my own decisions, i plant a seed of doubt that makes me forget the reasons that have brought me here. it's so easy to give in to sadness especially if it's something that we've grown so used to in life. but when we've taken on a path of seeking & healing, we can no longer ignore our heart's desire to be happy.

one half of me has already started Exploring ~ moving forward with the intent of fully living out dreams which have been shelved for far too long. yet the other half of my self is still bleeding from the cut that it took to break away from the very things which have kept me bound. this must be what it means to be fully present, when we can sit with happy & sad and embrace both equally. when we can allow the sadness to pass through, as gracefully as we possibly can without fighting it. when we can remember joy or the hope of it, even in the darkest moments.

such is the path of the heart. to love both light & dark with gratitude & compassion.

what keeps me from shrinking back is the belief that there's no loss when love is truly present. it's a matter of expanding how we think love should be. love can't be limited to promises & relationships... to anniversaries & traditions. love is bigger than any of these. it's only when we begin to understand the hugeness of love that sadness no longer becomes threatening. like a dust of rain cloud in a vast blue sky.