being me

right now i can stare at any inanimate object for hours on end. ok maybe not hours, as i tend to exaggerate about things. my boyfriend once said during one heated argument that i tend to be very dramatic. voice quivering and as theatrical as possible, i shouted back just because your dim ex-girlfriend was a doormat doesn’t mean the rest of womankind is as lifeless and boring. i’m crazy and my life is full of drama and this is why you love me!

ladies and gentlemen: the weight of words.

the afternoon is turning gray and if it weren’t for the tick-tacking of my fingers and keyboards, i could almost hear the whole world yawn. it’s a perfect day for yawning.

thoughts and feelings are consuming me faster these days. i don’t think my mind can keep up. while washing the dishes or writing down messages in our office logbook, i’d catch myself blurting out my thoughts to no one in particular. i know i’m weird but even that begs for an examination. i’m used to blurting out phrases in public, but never on a daily basis.

ladies and gentlemen: a candidate for mental rehab.

parallel universe

so things have a weird way of working out. what the hell am I saying? nothing has worked its way out yet…

living here is like a dream (though a good friend of mine would argue as he finds the word vacation more apt). was it anais nin who said dreams and reality are interdependent? it hits me every time i realize this is my life now. it flows with ease like water smoothing out bumps and rough surfaces that come along the way. if i give this up and settle back in the city, will i be able to wade gracefully back into the normalcy of things? or will i shrivel up like an old piece of grape, devoid of water and life and all sweet matter in between?

the thought makes me sink deeper into the covers, as if the universe under my blanket could provide me with answers.

14.01.06

~

words move in mysterious ways. they alter your state of being and sometimes, the course of events.

just hours ago I got a peek into a parallel universe - and it became one of the best nights of my life.

thank you.

13.01.06

~

rain will fall like tears tonight.

can the void within us ever be filled?

like a blank canvass, my mind still refuses to speak up. my heart is pounding silently. i knew the time would come, the question was when. today it obviously has.

just like that.

tell me – i fucking told you so.

12.01.06

spinning

these past few months i have been responding to things in a purely spontaneous manner. i felt blood drain out of me from over-thinking the last year and a half of my life that my mind has learned to shut down on its own. and because i have been feeling and swimming in my emotions, i am having the most baffling time attempting to answer questions that need to be asked. like “what the hell am I doing” and “where am I still not trusting life”.

i can only eat a plate of banana sour cream pancakes (my latest comfort food) and ponder the whole day, inexorably gulping down the last bit without arriving to any conclusion. for the first time in my life i considered seeing a shrink, only to see if she can get those answers from me. but if I cannot do it for myself then who can? the vastness and variety of events that occurred in the last few days has left me in a state of weird confusion. i can say i am happy. in fact, happier than i have been in a long while. but as much as i would love to stay in this suspended state of happiness, the situation calls for a leap.

common sense is not so common these days you see. if only answers can come clear as the sky on a cloudless day then i’d be flying.