I say this with love: Why I'm glad John Friend resigned from Anusara

The past two weeks have been a whirl. An intense process began to take place in the Anusara Yoga community - a process of questioning & scrutinizing, of waiting & hoping, of listening & judging, of leaving & staying.

I'm not an Anusara certified or inspired teacher. I'm not an "insider" who can claim to have any close-hand information about John Friend & the incidents which have led to this. I'm not a longtime member of the kula, I don't get to rub elbows with John & the immediate circle of teachers around him. What I am is a student & what I know is this - Anusara has given me the deepest transformation I could ever hope for in myself, on and off the mat.

It is a deeply dynamic & creative hatha yoga practice which is elegantly woven with intelligent alignment. Yet behind this science lies its soul, the beautiful life-affirming & heart-opening Tantric philosphy of intrinsic goodness. It brought the best out of me so that I could face the worst without fear. Furthermore it's allowed me to share this teaching with my students, whose practice have flourished, whose bodies have clearly transformed & whose hearts have shone brighter because of this powerful method. Most of all it's shown me Grace, that it's around me & in me. That we are never without. Trusting Grace is the biggest gift I've given myself, one that I've come to understand through this practice.

I'm so greatly blessed to have a teacher in Desiree Rumbaugh who's taught me to be grounded in the teachings that she's passed on with genuine & honest clarity. "Grace is always there to support us, it teaches us that we can no longer take the blame for everything. Nor do we take all the praise." While I hold the highest pedestal for the practice of Anusara, I've never held John Friend in the same light. And I don't mean this with disrespect. As someone who've only been studying & practicing the method for 3 years, I saw how others revered him almost to the point of being god-like, a behavior which I've always found curious. So when it was time to study with him, if only for a brief week, it was almost a sigh of relief to come face to face with a human being... simple in appearances, extraordinary in intelligence, knowledge & wit. Nevertheless still a human being.

So I can only imagine how shocking & heartbreaking it was when news of his unethical behavior broke out. For teachers, students & followers of John who've held him so high all these years, adored him without extent & placed him synonymously with Anusara, it must be a fierce & crushing blow. So once again I maintain an observer's perspective, all at once detached in my emotions & yet amazed at the amount of anger, judgment & condemnation that rose from the greater part of the community.

But now I understand. I could never feel the same anger so many others have felt simply because I've always regarded him for what he is - a person. I could not feel betrayal because I do not have a personal relationship with the man. I could never pretend to feel the hurt he's caused around him. But when more respected teachers & colleagues started to leave, many like Tara Judelle & Noah Maze who I admire deeply, I couldn't be emotionally detached anymore. I was saddened beyond words.

And so it's with love & respect that I say this - I'm glad John Friend resigned from Anusara. I'm glad that by his doing so he's separating the teacher from the teachings & allowing others to recognize the same. Yoga IS a practice of remembrance because it's so easy to forget that we are students as much as we are teachers. Anusara is bigger than any of us. It's brought us to where we're at today, it certainly brought our teacher to this place. Whether by his own will or forced by circumstance, stepping down is what integrity calls for in this situation. And he did it. It's with the same love & respect I hold the ones who chose to walk away, who fueled the fires of transformation. All this is Grace. And yes, it's not the merry-bohemian-happy-shiny-easy-to-love form of Grace. But it is Grace nonetheless.

I didn't discover Anusara 3 years ago... it discovered me. In the same way that it moved through a man many years ago in an ashram in Ganeshpuri, who was taught compassion, to never give up on students... who was inspired by this philosophy of love & grace and was shown the faith that goodness lies in each & every one of us.

giving and receiving

I need the sea because it teaches me. - Pablo Neruda


I'm a yoga teacher. I help students on the mat. I show how we can all create our own habits of strength and how we can open in all the tight places. I teach students how to align the body. Most of all, I show students ways to align the actions with the heart's intentions.

I'm a teacher therefore people look to me for help, support, advice and inspiration on and off the mat. I share what I've learned, how I've healed and how I continue to bring myself to a better place. I give. Because that's a teacher's calling. I serve and I give. I have been taught beautifully that a true teacher must have the intention to help each & everyone in the room. I give my energy to every class that I teach, to every student, friend, family who come to me way after the class has ended. I open my heart and I give.

But I'm also a student. I too am learning to align myself in ways that can only be good for me. It's a constant practice to continue aligning my actions with my heart's truth. I'm a student working on balancing strength & openness, effort & surrender. I'm a student and I too need to receive.

My ability to give suffers when I forget to keep the flow of energy going. I can't be a teacher if I forget that I'm also a student. Which is why even givers need to take a step back sometimes, if only to breathe. I've gone through enough to know what's good for me & what's not. I can no longer allow doubt, fear, uncertainty bring me down even if it means taking a step back from people that I love. Because I know I can give better and love more when I surround myself with positive life-affirming energy. The kind of energy that uplifts.

And so today, this is my practice. Today I'm taking a step back to find my breath. To find the balance between giving and receiving. To swim in a sea of unconditional love that I may continue to keep the flow of abundance present in my life. The heart knows no doubt, no limitations, no fear. Once again I'm reminded of my path, to love it and trust it completely with all my heart.

LOVE is big.

where do i begin.

these past few days & weeks have been filled with so much.... love, friendship, support, endings, new beginnings, the promise of adventures, good vibes, deep connections & most of all freedom. sweet exhilarating freedom. i look back at my own past & i see how things do happen for a reason. i see how things are falling into place because i'm finally trusting life.

for a long time i've held on to so many things out of fear of losing control. i've silenced my own voice & crushed my own heart. now i realize how life unfolds perfectly when we surrender to its flow. all the baby steps i've taken to approach my edge, all the times i've cowered & ran back to my safe zone, all those were not in vain. i learned my own way. with all the pain, heartaches & tears it took, the process of becoming is beautiful. i see that now.

we can heal ourselves and we can change our life. we can stop feeling sad the moment we choose to be happy. we have to trust our heart & take risks. when we do things out of love, how can we go wrong? love is amazingly big. bigger than our imaginations combined. and we cannot control it, we can only learn & enjoy it.

i don't know what tomorrow brings and that's the magic of it. my heart is the boss of me now... i will let it lead me every step of the way. with my mind, arms & heart open, i'm stepping into the flow of grace with trust that life is unraveling beautifully.

the joy of a kula

one of the things i love most in my yoga practice is the kula - a community of open-hearted and creative individuals who embrace Anusara's life-affirming philosophy of intrinsic goodness. Anusara describes the kula as a tightly-knit community of yoga practitioners that enjoys the closeness of a family and the fluidity of a merry band of bohemian artists: highly trained, joyful & serious about fun. it is inclusive, where everyone is welcomed & honored for their uniqueness.

no matter where i am in the world this connection with my kula is deeply felt. there are no Anusara teachers or yogis in the country where i live, save for a few students who have started to embrace the practice. yet from all over the world, i receive a daily dose of love from such amazing beings. the support is mind blowing. constant. sending me messages of love & light in the most joyful or helpless moments. reminding me that i am never alone even when i find myself in a dark place. the kula is a ceaseless source of encouragement, affirmation and inspiration. most of all it's a living source of celebration and joy. and i'm so grateful to be part of it.

looking at the bigger picture, i can see the message that Anusara imparts through its practice. we are all connected, through our sameness, our differences, one way or another. that we are really of one essence, that of goodness. may all of us discover this light within. may we learn to feed it with the fire of our practice. and may all of us continue to shine this light out, to connect with our true selves the way we connect with others. and may we remember to celebrate the beauty of who we are.

and when we forget, then there is yoga. :)

trusting grace

Because of a great love, one is courageous. - Lao Tzu



i used to question everything and trust nothing. i used to be a person filled with so much doubt & distrust. coming from a place of fear, it was hard to see things any other way. there was always the threat of being scared, of not being enough and not having enough. but i'm grateful for this fear. it has led me to dark places where i only longed to be free. it's brought sadness into my life where i learned how to heal. it's brought me to my mat and to realize that this is the place where i want to serve from.

when we begin to look inside ourselves, the first things we usually see are the gunk - all the ugly habits & stories we've acquired through the years that have made us feel bound & limited. yoga has taught me to release each one at my own pace. Anusara has taught me to do so with grace. it's shown me how i can create change and heal. this process of transformation has become such a gift in my life. it's brought me to finally understand why the things that have happened in the past happened the way they did. everything truly has a purpose.

some people are braver, they go after what they want right away - well good for them. i had to learn the hard way and in no way do i resent this. i had to know fear, look at it straight in the eye before i learned about love. the more afraid i got, the desire to overcome it grew deeper. i learned to love and look after myself first no matter what fear has told me. i spent so many years trying to put others before me, trying to make them happy & just trying really hard. it is only when i learned to just let go of the distrust when trust happened. to finally be able to surrender that deluded sense of control and trust grace is one of the very best things that's happened to me.

love transformed me and it continues to do so. love has made me trust life, to trust that things do work out... everything in its own time. love kept me grateful even in my darkest hours. somehow love seems more apparent, more expansive when all the limitations of a relationship has fallen away. a year ago i wrote how loving someone so deeply & being loved greatly in return have given me courage to trust my path and the strength to walk it. i am so deeply grateful for this great love. it continues to break the boundaries we've set for ourselves and lead us to explore a different possibility that's out there waiting for us.

change is inevitable, no matter how painful or sad it gets. when you start putting yourself first & aiming for the highest, you can no longer deny your suffering. so you have to let go. but there is no loss here, only love. and one day, happy endings.

happiness is

when we let the beauty of what we love be what we do (Rumi)
happiness stops being the destination.

are you happy?

some say happiness is overrated. truth is, it saddens me when some people think that. my yoga practice has taught me that our true nature is freedom & bliss. in the beginning, i couldn't grasp the whole meaning of it. but 5 years of yoga practice has led me further from my sticky mat and deeper into myself. there was a lot of unlearning to be done, a lot of old beliefs had to be given up but all the work was worth it. anusara yoga continues to teach me to align my body in ways that can only be good for me and on a deeper, personal level it continues to remind me to align myself with my heart.

living according to our heart's desire, following our enthusiasm, connecting to that innermost voice within us allow us to have a life filled with happiness. when we align ourselves with our hearts, we align ourselves with the greater scheme of things. isn't it when we're happiest do we feel most connected with everything & everyone? have you ever felt how the universe responds to you so quickly that the connection you have becomes almost tangible? isn't it pure joy to know what we have inside of us is what supports us as well? this is grace. :) and what a beautiful thing it is.

so now i end this post with a question & a picture - are you living your heart's greatest desire? think about it.

are you happy poster

letting go

i've had the special and most amazing opportunity to experience a past life regression. as the name implies, the experience involves hypnosis to 'visit' memories of our past lives. this practice stems from the belief that who we are, what we're made of are karmic outcomes of previous lives. Patanjali, who wrote the Yoga Sutras, believed that current problems can be understood and addressed through memories of these lives. whether we believe in it or not, the message(s) that we get from this experience can be truly valuable.

it is through this that i finally understood the root of my sadness - this energy that has existed and lived with me ever since i can remember. now that i know how it came to be, i can no longer close my eyes to the fact that while i cannot do anything about the past, i can do something about the present. i know that it's time for me to release it, and in doing so free myself.

it's only the beginning days of transition and already the separation anxiety is kicking in. on most days i look forward to that happy and complete future that eluded me in the past, but on some days doubt and confusion creep in. the sadness is overwhelming and twice i had almost allowed myself to succumb to it. but i know too much now. i know that if i don't do anything differently, then nothing is ever going to change.

i still find it baffling how we can't make some things work even when it seems we have all the right ingredients to do so. i never thought that having a great partner - a partner you love immensely and who loves you back in equal measure - can still mean it's not enough. i can only go back to John Friend's words - "You have to always be student to the Grand Artist, don’t think that you’re always in control. Trust." as my yoga practice teaches me, i remember to open to grace and to trust it.

i'm doing my best to be clinical about this, approaching the situation objectively and remembering to be kind to myself when sadness and guilt threaten to overcome. but one can only be so clinical to a point for how else can we treat matters of the heart.

and so i'm taking it one day at a time. my heart becomes light when i think of all the wonderful possibilities out there. i know that the one for me exists. i don't know who, how and when it's going to happen - i am but a co-creator in this whole spectacle. but one thing i do know is this - whoever that person may be, he's got some pretty big shoes to fill. and i'm glad, because whoever is up to the challenge can only mean it's the real thing.

the end of the day, i'm blessed to be on this journey, blessed to be taking it with such amazing beings. i see how things have slowly fallen into place... how i came to be on this island, how i found my heart's calling, why i'm doing the thing i love that it hardly feels like work. like two dear friends said - i must approach my edge gently & with awareness - and all is coming. it's time to surrender what belonged to the past. my heart is grateful to know that i had it once, and that it was beautiful.

the gift

more often than not, i had taken the baby steps approach whenever i'm working towards something. i believed that by getting my feet wet more often then the chances of swimming out to the deeper end of the sea becomes bigger. however my yoga practice is teaching me to do things differently... that in order to build my strength then i have to change my body - and that takes a lot of courage. it's a scary thing to finally be standing on your head and your hands when you're so used to keeping your feet on the ground. it's scary to do it in the middle of the room when you'd rather have the wall against your back. it makes me examine my life and look at all the existing walls that i've kept and refused to let go. i know that something in my life has to change and no one else can do it save for myself... and there's no baby stepping around that.

now each time i get on my mat and practice lifting myself up, i change my fearful habits and learn to ground myself in all the right ways. i also know i'm creating changes within me. because it's true, insanity is indeed doing the same things over and over again then expecting different results. i mean i may be crazy for wanting to stand on my hands and have my feet up in the air (welcome to our world!) but i'm not that kind of crazy who wants to beat herself up doing the exact same thing and just praying that it will turn out differently.

a year ago i would have gone to the extremes making sure that everything in my life has to work. but i've learned the hard way that if i try to control everything and everyone, i end up losing control of my self. and so i've learned to give grace more space to breathe. i've learned to trust it more and to take my sights away from the end goal. because now i know what will be is a bonus and that what is is the real prize. the process of becoming is such a gift and i am grateful for it.

recognition

growing up i used to watch other kids with envy as they bend their backs over, dropping back effortlessly on their hands and doing other cool tricks like splitting in the air. so when i discovered yoga four years ago, it was only natural that i zeroed in on my flexibility. it wasn't an easy task but getting there was a colorful ride. i learned to stretch and twist in ways i've never thought possible for me. i started out with my fingers barely touching my toes in paschimothanasana (seated forward bend). now after three years of reaching i can finally bring my chest to my thighs AND have my fingers securely wrapped around my feet.

however i soon learn that flexibility is one thing and strength is another. on this path i've chosen to take, i realized i needed to build my strength too. while i've seen progress through practice, it is only in these first four days of anusara workshop that i'm truly beginning to understand how to build my own strength by remembering my power first. that i work from inside out. as my teacher talks about today's theme, power of self, i recognize that i had given mine away. whenever i acknowledged pain in my body i had turned it into a self-limiting obstacle that prevented me to go deeper into the pose. anusara is teaching me to take that power back and as i do, through my teachers' guidance, i feel my back strengthening. with my back strong, these rounded shoulders which have caused me pain time and again begin to open. i feel my heart lifting and a surge of ecstatic defiance overwhelms and humbles me. the realization that i have crossed my own personal boundary moves me to tears and empowers me all at once. as i bend backwards, i open myself to a million beautiful possibilities.

it comes to me how boundless we really are. i'm reminded how each limitation is self-inflicted and as we go through the beautiful process of transformation, we go back to remembering who we are. i bask in the warmth of this recognition. lying in savasana with the sublime kirtan music in the air, i realize i don't need to float far away to look for my happy place. i've found it here, on the mat, within the person i've become.