travel often

this little heart of mine

The best chance to be whole is to love whatever gets in the way, until it ceases to be an obstacle. - Mark Nepo

Though days have turned into weeks and weeks into months, I'm still in awe, still admiring the puzzle pieces that fit. There is a calmness in things that is equally new and familiar. This is a place that I know well and yet it feels entirely different.

In the past, calm was never anything more than episodes that came in clear, delicate spasms. Yet these days it settles into the cracks of my being, holding the pieces together in a way that I've never held myself before.

I remember the void all too well. The one that drove me to go beyond the lines I've drawn for myself & everyone around me. Yet I trudged on far beyond what was reasonable because I could no longer succumb to fear. Not this time. No amount of judgment nor disdain from others could restrain me from doing what I had to do. Hearts were broken, yes. Including my own. There comes a point when we realize that there's a need inside all of us that far outweighs the consequences.

Going to the midst of this abstract mess was the best way to find the truth. Cuts and bruises were earned as waves dumped over me and washed me back to shore. But wounds heal and scars form to mark the battles that say I've survived. Then little by little, the pieces start to fit. Now I see that what I had to go through, what I made myself go through, was essential to understanding this new ground I stand on. This is a place that I know well and I know why it feels different.

Something happens when you start loving the beautiful and unsightly versions of yourself unconditionally. It alters you at your deepest. It fills you with an insurmountable passion to embrace whatever gets in the way at whatever cost. Because now you're in on an open secret, loving yourself is your best saving grace.

My unaccustomed heart rests in wonder, while the sweetness of things unfold around me. The sound of waves. The hum of city lights. Same same - but different. This little heart of mine has gone through so much, has flown across the skies a thousand times in its wild search. But now it's landed.

have love, will travel

Not all those who wander are lost. (JRR Tolkien)


When I chose my word last year, I knew I was in for a lot of surprises. Explore, after all, is a big word & it made me feel like a child... at once sad to be leaving home for the first time & excited to be going out there on my own. It made me nervous, hopeful, excited, brave & adventurous. It made me feel how each human being on this planet should feel ~ alive.

Explore pushed me further out of my comfort zone & kicked my sorry excuses out of the window. It got me off my thinking chair & into the world. It got me to stop dreaming & start doing. The Holstee manifesto could not have said it any better

This is your life. Do what you love. Do it often.

And so I did, big time :) I started 2011 with a colorful visit to my hometown, swam with whale sharks, surfed Bali for a month; traveled with my yoga mat & spent intensive weeks on it with some of the most amazing spirits and the best teachers in the world. I went on spontaneous trips with unexpected company & that showed me I could fall in love with another part of the universe.

My word made me open to new connections & rethink about old ones. It made me appreciate the love I have in my life every 5 seconds. I'm deeply grateful & blessed to be taking part of the universe's abundance. All the traveling is certainly not because of a million bucks in my bank account (though it wouldn't hurt to have that as well!). I could easily say that many friends have pockets deeper than mine (they choose to spend that differently & I could only hope, passionately). No. Money can only take you so far. I say love takes you the farthest you need to go.

There has got to be passion or else traveling & transiting for 24 hours straight between 4 different terminals with your surfboard will drive you insane. It's got to be mad love or why else endure a 2 day stopover in between countries, barely enough time for you to unpack & switch bags. It may be exciting to travel to go from one beautiful place to the next but it's also exhausting at the same time. To the point of losing your voice for 8 straight days, or to the miserable point of getting pneumonia. Exploring does come with a price, but a price I'm willing to pay all in the name of love.

I read somewhere that in order to be an explorer of the world, one must notice the stories around you. To use all your senses in your investigations. You have to notice your own story unfold... see where these journeys are really taking you. And mine have taken me to realize what the best part of traveling is.

Coming home.

THANK YOU 2011. You've been such an amazing ride. :)

postcards from bali

- scenes from Ubud -

Bali is home to me in so many ways. Whether it's sleeping & waking up to the sound of waterfalls and the sight of lush jungles in the middle of the island; walking along rice fields while the sun & cool breeze play with your skin; enjoying flavorful spices & aromas from one meal to the next; or breezing through the temple-laden streets on a motorbike, what makes Bali so different are things which are already so familiar. Welcoming me like a dear old friend.

No matter how many travelers pass through Ubud (some staying to become part-time residents), there's always something untouched about the place. It's a place where I can retreat into myself without having to cut my ties to the world. It's where you can move amongst it's gentle people and get to know them without getting in their way. It's where a yoga teacher is blissfully content to be a student, taking classes every single day, gorging on sumptuous delicacies and after, a book & a bed to come home to.

wanderlust

MOVE from Rick Mereki on Vimeo.

Tell me, what it is that you plan to do with your one wild & precious life? :)

(Mary Oliver)

my heart wanders

What would happen if one day you decided to follow your heart?

In the book My Heart Wanders Pia Jane Bijkerk shows us all the places where her wandering heart took her. Upon leaving a comfortable home in Sydney, she sets herself up in Paris then later finds a home in a houseboat in Amsterdam. Filled with beautiful images of her travels, this book is an inspirational memoir that awakens that voice inside of us. I can't wait to have my own copy, pick it up & hold it close to my heart!

Hers is a story that mirrors those whose spirits are filled with wanderlust. Exactly where would it take us, the very minute we follow that voice within that tells us to leave the comforts of our home, to take a risk & live the life of our dreams?

A dear friend shared something really beautiful last night. There are no wrong turns. What an amazing way to see things, to take responsibility for our own actions & trust that grace is indeed with us every step of the way. My heart has led me here, to a magical life on an island filled with skies that awaken the soul, surrounded by an ocean of free spirits who live their lives with truth & passion. And yet my heart continues to speak, of other islands where waves call out to play & far away lands where words are spoken differently. It's like opening a door to your heart & finding other doors that lead to other places.

But it's not always easy, noh? It's painful when you realize that some journeys are meant to be traveled alone... when we have to leave things, places & people behind because otherwise we betray our own soul. It's rarely ever easy especially when we struggle to hold on & find ways to maybe, just maybe we can move on without letting go. This is why stories like Pia's inspire us greatly, why stories of so many other courageous & beautiful beings out there resonate deeply in our hearts. This where the truth lies... and following it is the only way we can ever be free.

There is a need inside of us that far outweigh the outcome. How can we ever rest & be true to ourselves if we don't listen?

breaking surface

(image from weheartit)

Let no one keep you from your journey,
no rabbi or priest, no mother
who wants you to dig for treasures
she misplaced, no father
who won't let one life be enough,
no lover who measures their worth
by what you might give up,
no voice that tells you in the night
it can't be done.

Let nothing dissuade you
from seeing what you see
or feeling the winds that make you
want to dance alone
or go where no one
has yet to go.

You are the only explorer.
Your heart, the unreadable compass.
Your soul, the shore of a promise
too great to be ignored.

(words by mark nepo)

path of the heart

When you open fully to your experience you discover how wonderful it is to be alive; sometimes funny, sometimes tragic, sometimes ordinary, sometimes sublime. You learn not to shut down when feelings become bothersome; to stay awake even when it’s unpleasant. This is the path of the heart: to develop tenderness toward yourself by opening to the wonders and complexities of your self, which allows you to open to the wonders and complexity of the world. - Dr. Gail Parker


i have been asking my self these days the big Why's (why can't it work this way, why can't it be...) and i realize that i really should stop questioning and start trusting. each time i question my own decisions, i plant a seed of doubt that makes me forget the reasons that have brought me here. it's so easy to give in to sadness especially if it's something that we've grown so used to in life. but when we've taken on a path of seeking & healing, we can no longer ignore our heart's desire to be happy.

one half of me has already started Exploring ~ moving forward with the intent of fully living out dreams which have been shelved for far too long. yet the other half of my self is still bleeding from the cut that it took to break away from the very things which have kept me bound. this must be what it means to be fully present, when we can sit with happy & sad and embrace both equally. when we can allow the sadness to pass through, as gracefully as we possibly can without fighting it. when we can remember joy or the hope of it, even in the darkest moments.

such is the path of the heart. to love both light & dark with gratitude & compassion.

what keeps me from shrinking back is the belief that there's no loss when love is truly present. it's a matter of expanding how we think love should be. love can't be limited to promises & relationships... to anniversaries & traditions. love is bigger than any of these. it's only when we begin to understand the hugeness of love that sadness no longer becomes threatening. like a dust of rain cloud in a vast blue sky.

LOVE is big.

where do i begin.

these past few days & weeks have been filled with so much.... love, friendship, support, endings, new beginnings, the promise of adventures, good vibes, deep connections & most of all freedom. sweet exhilarating freedom. i look back at my own past & i see how things do happen for a reason. i see how things are falling into place because i'm finally trusting life.

for a long time i've held on to so many things out of fear of losing control. i've silenced my own voice & crushed my own heart. now i realize how life unfolds perfectly when we surrender to its flow. all the baby steps i've taken to approach my edge, all the times i've cowered & ran back to my safe zone, all those were not in vain. i learned my own way. with all the pain, heartaches & tears it took, the process of becoming is beautiful. i see that now.

we can heal ourselves and we can change our life. we can stop feeling sad the moment we choose to be happy. we have to trust our heart & take risks. when we do things out of love, how can we go wrong? love is amazingly big. bigger than our imaginations combined. and we cannot control it, we can only learn & enjoy it.

i don't know what tomorrow brings and that's the magic of it. my heart is the boss of me now... i will let it lead me every step of the way. with my mind, arms & heart open, i'm stepping into the flow of grace with trust that life is unraveling beautifully.

the joy of a kula

one of the things i love most in my yoga practice is the kula - a community of open-hearted and creative individuals who embrace Anusara's life-affirming philosophy of intrinsic goodness. Anusara describes the kula as a tightly-knit community of yoga practitioners that enjoys the closeness of a family and the fluidity of a merry band of bohemian artists: highly trained, joyful & serious about fun. it is inclusive, where everyone is welcomed & honored for their uniqueness.

no matter where i am in the world this connection with my kula is deeply felt. there are no Anusara teachers or yogis in the country where i live, save for a few students who have started to embrace the practice. yet from all over the world, i receive a daily dose of love from such amazing beings. the support is mind blowing. constant. sending me messages of love & light in the most joyful or helpless moments. reminding me that i am never alone even when i find myself in a dark place. the kula is a ceaseless source of encouragement, affirmation and inspiration. most of all it's a living source of celebration and joy. and i'm so grateful to be part of it.

looking at the bigger picture, i can see the message that Anusara imparts through its practice. we are all connected, through our sameness, our differences, one way or another. that we are really of one essence, that of goodness. may all of us discover this light within. may we learn to feed it with the fire of our practice. and may all of us continue to shine this light out, to connect with our true selves the way we connect with others. and may we remember to celebrate the beauty of who we are.

and when we forget, then there is yoga. :)

trusting grace

Because of a great love, one is courageous. - Lao Tzu



i used to question everything and trust nothing. i used to be a person filled with so much doubt & distrust. coming from a place of fear, it was hard to see things any other way. there was always the threat of being scared, of not being enough and not having enough. but i'm grateful for this fear. it has led me to dark places where i only longed to be free. it's brought sadness into my life where i learned how to heal. it's brought me to my mat and to realize that this is the place where i want to serve from.

when we begin to look inside ourselves, the first things we usually see are the gunk - all the ugly habits & stories we've acquired through the years that have made us feel bound & limited. yoga has taught me to release each one at my own pace. Anusara has taught me to do so with grace. it's shown me how i can create change and heal. this process of transformation has become such a gift in my life. it's brought me to finally understand why the things that have happened in the past happened the way they did. everything truly has a purpose.

some people are braver, they go after what they want right away - well good for them. i had to learn the hard way and in no way do i resent this. i had to know fear, look at it straight in the eye before i learned about love. the more afraid i got, the desire to overcome it grew deeper. i learned to love and look after myself first no matter what fear has told me. i spent so many years trying to put others before me, trying to make them happy & just trying really hard. it is only when i learned to just let go of the distrust when trust happened. to finally be able to surrender that deluded sense of control and trust grace is one of the very best things that's happened to me.

love transformed me and it continues to do so. love has made me trust life, to trust that things do work out... everything in its own time. love kept me grateful even in my darkest hours. somehow love seems more apparent, more expansive when all the limitations of a relationship has fallen away. a year ago i wrote how loving someone so deeply & being loved greatly in return have given me courage to trust my path and the strength to walk it. i am so deeply grateful for this great love. it continues to break the boundaries we've set for ourselves and lead us to explore a different possibility that's out there waiting for us.

change is inevitable, no matter how painful or sad it gets. when you start putting yourself first & aiming for the highest, you can no longer deny your suffering. so you have to let go. but there is no loss here, only love. and one day, happy endings.

finding my word

Nature does not hurry. Yet everything is accomplished. - Lao Tzu



my word came to me as i knew it would. Explore. one beautiful powerful seed that contains a universe of possibilities.

explore my dreams. explore new continents. explore a new life.

it's such a brave risk-taking word & i'm gathering all my courage to start living it. after all explore means leaving something behind. it means letting go.

i have let go of certain things in the past that have come back in my life. i ask myself is it fate working? or is it my refusal to completely release myself from the things that are holding me back? i ask because i find myself facing similar patterns and i wanna change that. i look back to the year that has passed & realize that when i set the intention to open myself to new possibilities, i was only really looking at specific outcomes. and so when that didn't pan out, i found myself going back to the place i had just left behind. it's kinda like getting your feet wet in the water & running back to shore when the water got too cold.

so this year i resolve to be a little less drastic, to allow myself to stay in the water & observe whatever arises. to explore this distrust & in doing so, find the root of it and completely let it go. like my dear friend & fellow wanderer said - embrace this uncertainty because it's a great reminder of your intention. embracing uncertainty doesn't mean stewing in it or settling, but really sitting with it face to face & getting to the bottom of things.

once again i'm reminded to trust grace completely. because the most important things in life shouldn't take too much effort to make it work. as my yoga practice is teaching me, it has to be a beautiful balance between effort & surrender. and like a voice guiding me in the dark, i trust that my word will take me here, to a place of balance & greater heights. most of all, to a place of trust.