hello my old heart
it's been so long
since i've given you away.
hello my old heart
how have you been?
how is it being locked away?
- (the oh hellos) -
I can't remember the last time I wrote. I can barely remember writing the last entry I posted. However I do remember that one night I tried to. I had just given birth, my little boy was only a few days old back then. And I remember sitting in the quiet dark, a huge vat of emotions that I could not understand threatened to spill. I wanted to write it all out, I managed a few words, but nothing made sense. I was a mess & I couldn't find the words that would give justice to what was happening to me.
And so I stopped. All the emotions that came after that, wave after wave, all 3 years worth of it, got bottled in. I lost the ability to reach in & express what my heart wanted to tell me. In doing so, I also lost the ability to reach out. It puzzled me deeply how I couldn't tell the people around me how I really was. I couldn't tell anyone how I felt like drowning on some days, and just constantly gasping for air on some. I was overcome with so much anger and resentment, but again, I could not write. I could not say. And so all these stayed inside me, festering & eating up the best parts.
A few weeks ago I started to notice my left eye twitching. It would twitch several times during the day, we dismissed it as eye strain. Then I got what I thought were palpitations, they were rhythmic & strong enough to scare me that I had to go see my doctor. But upon closer look it seemed more like muscle spasms on my chest. Then my eye twitch worsened. That was enough to get my attention ~ clearly something wasn't right. I was not well.
My doctor tells me I may have electrolyte imbalance. That I need potassium & magnesium and all these other nutrients that I wasn't receiving enough. And I knew that. I knew I was deeply undernourished. I was too busy & too excited becoming a new mom these past 3 years. I would hardly have time for myself that when I did, I would pour it all out on my yoga practice, mostly teaching rather than receiving. My life was busy changing and in the process I've lost the ability to maintain space for the things that nourished me the most.
So here I am, noticing my old heart. How frail and starved and alone it feels. I just realized that over these years, how often I've complained of chest tightness or my heart beating irregularly. Postpartum depression is tricky that way. It's not always obvious, it can also be silent. Slow to show, bleeding you dry from the inside. I guess it took me all this time to really pay attention, to notice the damage I've caused by bottling it all up. So now I'm reaching in & reaching out. Striving to heal & be well. Doing so with my heart open now. Doing it one beat at a time.
it's been so long
since i've given you away.
hello my old heart
how have you been?
how is it being locked away?
- (the oh hellos) -
I can't remember the last time I wrote. I can barely remember writing the last entry I posted. However I do remember that one night I tried to. I had just given birth, my little boy was only a few days old back then. And I remember sitting in the quiet dark, a huge vat of emotions that I could not understand threatened to spill. I wanted to write it all out, I managed a few words, but nothing made sense. I was a mess & I couldn't find the words that would give justice to what was happening to me.
And so I stopped. All the emotions that came after that, wave after wave, all 3 years worth of it, got bottled in. I lost the ability to reach in & express what my heart wanted to tell me. In doing so, I also lost the ability to reach out. It puzzled me deeply how I couldn't tell the people around me how I really was. I couldn't tell anyone how I felt like drowning on some days, and just constantly gasping for air on some. I was overcome with so much anger and resentment, but again, I could not write. I could not say. And so all these stayed inside me, festering & eating up the best parts.
A few weeks ago I started to notice my left eye twitching. It would twitch several times during the day, we dismissed it as eye strain. Then I got what I thought were palpitations, they were rhythmic & strong enough to scare me that I had to go see my doctor. But upon closer look it seemed more like muscle spasms on my chest. Then my eye twitch worsened. That was enough to get my attention ~ clearly something wasn't right. I was not well.
My doctor tells me I may have electrolyte imbalance. That I need potassium & magnesium and all these other nutrients that I wasn't receiving enough. And I knew that. I knew I was deeply undernourished. I was too busy & too excited becoming a new mom these past 3 years. I would hardly have time for myself that when I did, I would pour it all out on my yoga practice, mostly teaching rather than receiving. My life was busy changing and in the process I've lost the ability to maintain space for the things that nourished me the most.
So here I am, noticing my old heart. How frail and starved and alone it feels. I just realized that over these years, how often I've complained of chest tightness or my heart beating irregularly. Postpartum depression is tricky that way. It's not always obvious, it can also be silent. Slow to show, bleeding you dry from the inside. I guess it took me all this time to really pay attention, to notice the damage I've caused by bottling it all up. So now I'm reaching in & reaching out. Striving to heal & be well. Doing so with my heart open now. Doing it one beat at a time.
