faith

there is much to heal in this world. for every wound that refuses to heal. for every angel that falls from the sky. for every hurt that hides beneath fragile wings. there is much to heal.

and so we turn to those we love and wonder, how can i make them see? how can i help them get through the pain, mend the hearts which were shattered into a thousand little pieces? how can i make them see life is still worth living?

i sit with myself and the words of someone very spiritual echo in my mind. i cannot heal in others what is wounded in me.

i sit with myself and find faith. faith that can see. it is the candle that glows in the dark. it is faith that tells me there is no need to suffer inspite of the pain, no need to lose myself when sorrow comes my way. that which tells me to be brave so i can inspire others to do the same. i can heal myself. it is faith that tells me impossible is nothing.

i sit with myself and know. that inspite of all the hurt and sadness that creep their way in, life remains beautiful. because i let it.

i love paris

and i miss it.

becoming

I am not who you think I am.
Not now.
Not today.
There is no recognition as I stare
At the reflection
that stares back at me.
I don’t need to see
To know.
What’s inside me is breathing.
Pulsing.

I am who I think I am
Slowly unfolding
Like the beginnings of a dark thought.
There is no reason to despise
What is becoming a part of me.
I walk
Mesmerized by my own shadow.
A strange creature
That fascinates
And taunts
The better part of me.

new beginnings

today the storm came and ravaged our island. today the storm came and ravaged the place i've grown to call home.

the sight was devastating. the canopy that once sheltered me from rain stooped like a tired old man. the pathway was gone. and the trees that stood proud yesterday lay broken on the ground. it was terrible and it made my heart break.

rain kept falling as i swept the pathway clean, as others before me and others after me picked up the branches, picked up the pieces to make this place whole, never stopping until we could see the path again. and i could see. in the midst of ruins i am surrounded by beauty. in the people whose spirits are still intact even when their own homes have been shattered. whose arms did not tire after hours of no food and sleep. we may have lost our homes, our clothes, our everyday belongings but we have not lost the one thing that mattered most in this time of distress. our hope.

night comes and rain still falls, but the wind has hushed down leaving a cool stillness in the air. what started out to be a horrifying morning turned into one of the most amazing days i have seen. the courage and resilience that cleared th paths, the admirable compassion that went into rebuilding the place that so many others call home resonated through the silence of the night. if love came from a well that built this place, then from the same well we will build again.

it is almost midnight as i walk home. stripped of its leaves, the tree stands strong in the circle of hope. fireflies dance overhead and a lone star begins to shine through the cloudy skies... hope. it's time for new beginnings.

gypsy

the wind is calling, and i have to go. there will be sand beneath our feet. there will be stars looking down on us. in this infinite sky...

oh the gypsy in me

happy tomorrows

seeking. restless. sleepless. oh the initial stirrings of wanderlust.

to have left the place that stifled me, to have unloved the things i held dear, to have started the journey in search for myself. that which i had lost. that which i have found once more.

funny how we run away from home, funnier still how we run back. so much things we hate about it and so much more things to love.

because somewhere along the way we realize it isn't the place we're running away from. but the person we've become. or rather, the person we haven't become. the disappointment borne out of undreaming dreams and the hollow sadness of being stuck.

and so we run away. to follow almost forgotten dreams. in search for la dolce vita.

the sweetness of this life comes from knowing that home is where love is. that wherever i go and whenever i decide to pack my bags and head to a place where love resides, that is home.

where will this wanderlust take me now? to distant shores, to a vine covered yellow house perhaps? the beauty that stems from knowing that everything is possible. i smile in glorious anticipation :)

today

today i remembered my grandmother's voice
i heard it clearly
slicing the morning air
i cried as i realized that i will never
hear it again

in memory

the sun has set on an old day
and i will never see her again
the grandma of my youth

the one who would come on our birthdays
and wear her own party hat
who would come on random nights
and visit us when we were little enough
to sit on her lap

the one who braved
the war and dusty bus rides
and robbers
who were chased away with a stick
and pure iron guts

the one who would keep us in her home
during our childhood summers
feeding us, watching us hop and skip
over chalked boxes we drew in her backyard

the one who would play the piano
day and night
the one who would make us play
the chopsticks over and over again

the one who would bring us to the park
every summer afternoon
watching us play
watching us grow
letting us run in full abandon

the one who marveled while i cooked
my first masterpiece
of hot soup with leaves and fish eyes
i got from her kitchen

the one who would take us to the movies
in the middle of the day
making us feel like grown ups
by letting us choose our own seats

the one who had always made me feel like a grandchild
long after i grew up
and who held me in her arms
until i was big enough to hold her

the one who would keep photos of my travels
and listen to my stories
whose spirit and wanderlust didn't flicker
with the coming of her age

the one who would wear bracelets that we've made
like pieces of expensive jewelry
precious against her healthy wrists
we used to hang on to when crossing the streets

the one who would grow old
like i knew she would
someday.

the sun has gone down
the old streets of our youth flash before me
and she is gone

the grandmother i will miss

kaleidoscope

the sky burns. the air slowly turns itself into pink. night is coming. but in these few seconds of dusk, of twilight descending, of kaleidoscope stirring, i awake.

oriah ~ the mountain dreamer

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

letter to a dear one

your message a few nights ago took me by surprise. true, it was my birthday after all. but it was refreshing to hear from you. catching up on each other's lives after years of silence, allowing each other a momentary peek into our worlds. a thousand miles apart and yet here we are. in the heart of strange places we finally call home.

how far we've come. and how far we're still going...

i look back at those years when we lived entangled lives. was it so long ago? or was it only yesterday? i hear you now and see how far you've grown from being lost. how certain you've become. i ran away from all the noise to a place i've always held dear. and you... in the midst of all the noise, the thrill, the circus of the big apple, found yourself. we are so alike. and so different.

it took us quite a while to untangle each other. but here we are now :)

thank you for remembering. for knowing me. for being my first love, and passion.

and after years of being together and being apart, thank you for keeping it real.

i'm glad i forgot to ask for an aisle seat

i'm high up in the sky and stars shoot past my window. big ones that leave a trail of stardust in their wake. and small ones that streak by so fast they seem to be figments of imagination. if i could reach out i may just catch one star, hold it in the palm of my hand...

i'm suspended in time, flying through space, through the black of the night, through constellations that dust the sky like a dream. and i wish you were here. you would have loved the sight. i would have loved the company

the real thing

he was kneeling when he kissed her. her face a picture of calm and peace, belying the surge of emotions that consumed her being. her toes were curled, shivers down her spine. her hands clasped to his, that which held her face gently. urgently. as he kissed her skin.

who knew that after 8 years of keeping a tiny print of gustav klimt´s "the kiss" i´d see the real thing.

home is where the heart is

halfway across the world and no longer in search for my place. while i walk in awe along these beautiful cobbled streets, no longer do i carry the longing that has haunted me for years. for i have found my home. and so have many others. faces that don't quite belong have dwelled in this coast. sometimes it takes thousands of miles to bring us to where our heart is.

life does work in magical ways :)

heart of a nomad

nostomania (nos-tuh-MAY-nee-uh, -mayn-yuh) noun
an overwhelming desire to return home or to go back to familiar places.

interesting what word you can learn in a day. interesting to realize i haven't been nostomanic in a while. and i guess that's how it goes when you've finally found home.

the rains have come. has it been a year? i walk down that path, on a trail of windblown petals, no longer lost in my sadness. some things you have to let go. some you keep. excessively wistful. a sentimental fool. that's me alright. we all have issues. you and i. that doesn't make any of us perfect. but it makes us human.

and that is always a better thing.

my own

it's nice to be alone sometimes. to wake up with filtered sunlight on your face, broken by moving shadows. it's nice to wake up and sleep back to a dreamy thought with only the pillow by your side. a love stained dreamy memory. it's nice to get up in the morning, without anyone pulling you out of bed. to step out with unbrushed and hastily tied hair. to walk along the shore, with no end in sight. just one sleepy morning step at a time. it's nice to move with your memories, to dance with each thought, to smile because knowing is better than wondering. it's nice to rest your mind. to find a moment of calm. to let the heart beat on its own. without hurt, without pride. it's nice to move at your own pace. when the concept of fast or slow does not exist. when today, not yesterday nor tomorrow, is the most beautiful day ever lived.

yesterday

...i woke up early and saw the sunrise paint the sky with golden pink clouds. it was the last day of our yoga retreat and we were starting the day with a walking meditation. while we took slow steps and walked our way to the beach, the early morning sunlight got caught in my hair. rainbows of all colors danced on each strand and for a few seconds of eternity, my hair was exactly how i wanted it as a child - strawberry blond, like Nancy Drew's.

i remember my family having a Volkswagen when i was a child. i remember sitting in the passenger seat, a big scarf wrapped around my head and huge dark sunglasses covering my face. i remember sitting in the Shiny Green Beetle parked in our garage, waiting for my mom to find me. finally she came and the minute she saw me said "nikki, what are you doing?". i remember feeling so disappointed and thinking didn't Nancy Drew hide herself perfectly well in this disguise? stunned, i refused to move thinking she might Realize that it wasn't me after all. i stared straight out the windshield until she called me again. so i turned and asked "did you recognize me Mama? did you Know it was me?" she laughed the way mothers laugh at their silly daughters and said "Of course I knew it was you"

i guess i spent my younger days hiding behind sunglasses, writing poetry neatly hidden in my countless journals, letting chances pass me by, storing bottled feelings inside like Dropping Coins in a piggy bank, one by one. what is it about masks and disguises that we find so alluring? it must be the false perception that we are more interesting creatures than our true selves. we hide for fear of being seen, for fear of being discovered who we really are behind our mask. without it, we feel naked and Vulnerable. i used to be scared of my vulnerability, often mistaking it for weakness. for how easy it is for other people to hurt us when we leave ourselves too open.

Very Easy.

but then we grow older and we realize our ignorance. how our efforts are wasted on pretending and hiding and running away from what we would eventually seek. there will always be prettier girls, stronger men, tougher athletes and more intelligent writers. but there is only one You, one I. in the end we are the person we see first thing in the morning, sleepy eyes, hair sticking out in all the wrong places, no makeup, just us. In this barenakedness, in someone's eyes we are beautiful.

funny what one remembers just by looking at hair... i'm no nancy drew alright. I am Me.

and that is so much better :)

dream of a parallel universe

why the right thing seems wrong, and the wrong thing seems right...i've spun my own web, suspended in time and space. trapped between each precious night together, each intimate night apart. a parallel universe where this stark reality is but a hazy dream. found in sunsets and shadows and in blinding daylight where truth so raw cuts blindly through this elegant complexity. where each conflicted emotion, each borrowed moment, each enduring imperfection beats behind a single passionate intention -

to make us feel.

today

today i saw twilight came and watched as the stars faded into the morning light.

today i felt the cold air against my face while the sun rose slowly spreading himself to the world.

today i left with sadness while you and the rest of the island were still asleep.

today i'm counting even faster, counting days till i breathe the salt-laced air that the island breathes.

today i sense a sad certainty, like a slow current that circles my knees in shallow waters.

today more than yesterday i sense..i see..i feel.

a storm brewing

i was never one to delve into half-baked matters. being the emotional person that i am, the intensity of this dream blew me off course. i lost my balance and believed what i was made to believe. but i'm better now.

though i started feeling otherwise, i know i must not take this seriously. facing the storm that continues to pour down on me is not an easy task. yet I cherish this journey knowing it comes from within. this isn't just about you after all. it's also about me. whether i was treated in the same way or not doesn't change anything. in the course of a lifetime, some things will not matter.

pale sunshine streams through my windows, casting the cobwebs that threaten to cloud my heart and mind. someday i'll look back and see this dream as a gift that flew its way into my life. maybe one day you'll see it too.

the storm signals are changing. on bad days clouds block my horizon and emotions run as wild as the river or fall heavily like rain.

but not today.

becoming

in retrospect, i'm not an ordinary girl. i disregard rules and proportions. i refuse to live in an ordinary space when the world is filled with strange and beautiful corners. i want rapture. i only believe in passion and madness and not the safe confines that constrict the soul. i want freedom from standards. i embrace sadness and bliss as much as i embrace this life.

and when days and weeks and faces become too ordinary, when the outside world becomes stifling, i escape.

wanderlust and imagination are the only constant things in my life. to wake up to a new day, a new idea, a new emotion, that to me makes life insatiable.

we travel, some of us forever, to seek other states, other lives, other souls - a.n

diary of an island girl

there is something magical about the ordinariness of things. like waking up this morning. after snoozing my alarm three times, i stepped outside in my pajamas and watched the day unfold before me. a red and yellow parachute sailed across the morning sky. a group in a sky blue boat rowed in still waters. joggers streaked across the beach. a lone man was doing yoga, raising his arms towards the sun. and in my chair, i sat under the morning light and let the soft drizzle fall down on me and my breakfast.

i'm just an ordinary girl. but if i reach out far enough, i can touch the horizon, let my fingers skim across the endless blue sea.

new year
02 january, monday

another year has passed. i look back and all yesterdays flow like a stream. i’ve had my heart broken and mended, my mind stretched to my imagination. as much as i thank God for his blessings, i am grateful for the trials and hardships that came my way. coming upon crossroads and obstacles have challenged my self-belief and brought me to where i am now. each day i wake up on this island is an affirmation of who i really am. i sleep and wake up to the sound of waves, like a seashell gently whispering in my ear. I see the ocean and think to myself - this is it, where i belong and where i have always wanted to be. like water, my pain that came with the journey is washed away when i see the infinite beauty that surrounds me. adrift in melancholy, i cannot find it in my heart to leave this island which has become my home. not just yet.

it was a year when i embarked upon a journey to self-rediscovery, a journey that goes on today as i write. i look at the girl I was before this, so lost in her sadness. my heart goes out to her until the day she steps out of the cocoon...sees herself for the very first time, discover her wings and take flight.

it's been a strange and wonderful year.


random thoughts
october

imagine life without movies. or novels filled with stories of passion and delight. imagine falling in love without these influences. How blissful and utterly simple our lives can be. is this why we have such twisted views on love?

...backtrack
september

if it weren’t for the blazing sun and the faint wisp of cloud, the sky was perfectly cerulean. like a blank blue canvass waiting for the sunset, it is fragile in its perfection. i smile and my heart is filled with wonder because this little island is my home.

my fourth month and the thought of leaving saddens me to no end. i have removed myself from my family and walked the journey once again to independence. sometimes i find myself wishing i came to live here sooner, but i look around and see how everything falls around me perfectly. it might not have been this way if I came at another time.

sunset yoga
08 nov, tuesday

it was 5:30 in the afternoon as i watched the ball of sunshine disappear beyond the horizon. the sky still bright, i laid out my yoga mat and started breathing right. i've been away for a few days and the last couple of weeks went by so fast i hardly had time for myself. while i started doing my asanas, i could hear whispered giggles. i was surrounded by kids, imitating my every move. within minutes i had a small congregation, an impromptu yoga class.

how cute is that :)

moonbathing
18 oct, tuesday

i came home tired, my spirits battered. for the first time in months, i felt defeated. while i knew it shouldn't have mattered much (work is just work after all) i couldn't help but feel disappointed. so i turned to my biggest vice and my greatest provider of comfort - the ocean. it was full moon and the water was cold. i soaked in the moonbeam, letting the waves soothe and wash away my distress. with liam & tammy, i swam to the deeper end, hoisting ourselves up a moored sailboat, climbing repeatedly after one invigorating dive after another.

energy flowed back in. i felt rejuvenated.

i floated under her stare, thankful that this is the life i have.

birthday of an island girl
30 sept, friday

yesterday i turned 28.

tonight i celebrate my first birthday on the island :)

after the rain
13 sept, tuesday

last friday, i got my first island visit. well technically, she wasn't my first one but the first among my closest friends to have flown hundreds of miles to see me. with her i was forced to face my issues. matters which i've been running away from in hopes that eventually they'll fizzle out. like a cloud heavy with rain, all my emotions poured out until there was only sun and sky.

after the rain, i began to understand the root of my fears, my joy and my sadness.

last night we celebrated a friend's birthday in an intimate party by the beach. with kids running around, we laid out on the sand satiated with good food and good music. it's interesting how things turn out. moving to the island started out as an alternative. i never thought i'd find my peace here. i've been uncertain for so long i've forgotten how it felt to be me. how good it felt to be me.

i've taken a detour which molded me into different person. oftentimes in discovering who you do not want to be, you discover your true character. saying i have found my peace does not mean that the journey ends here. with life comes new challenges and discoveries. the journey goes on.

while the future is remains ambiguous, one thing is certain - i do not want to lose myself again.

pieces of you
08 sept, thursday

on earth there is no heaven, but there are pieces of it - jules renard

i want to own a piece of boracay. simply put, a piece of land i can always go home to.

over the years, the island has attracted and sheltered travelers from all over the world. carefree souls who've wandered far and wide, only to find their place here. and although the footprints have multiplied a million times over the last three decades, the magic of boracay isn't lost on me. i who set foot on the island seven years ago, the day after a huge tropical storm ravaged the pier and wiped the island raw. i had never seen a place so beautiful.

throughout the years, boracay had seen changes. resorts, bars and shops have sprouted like fern, as have the tourists. old timers complain how the once immaculate island had given in to commercialism, losing its charm in the process. but i beg to differ.

every day, the sun turns the sky pink before dark and the air turns to blue when it rises in the morning. at night, a blanket of stars warm those who still care to look up. as monsoon comes, the waves draw bohemian spirits to dance in the rain or feel the cold seawind on their skin. no matter what or when, the magic will never leave those who seek it.

this island is my piece of heaven, and as much as i would love to have a piece of her, i know that boracay will never be owned. but it warms my heart to know that she owns a piece of me.

5 sept, monday

the quest for ten more pounds begins today.

home is where the heart is - 03 sept, saturday

three days in manila and i couldn't wait to get away from all the ridiculous politics, insane traffic and skyless clouds. i wouldn't have gone if it weren't for my loved ones - my little brother who just left for singapore to start a new job; my cousins who used to climb up the sofa to give me all sorts of hugs (now they're taller, all grown up and in college, how time flies!); and my pseudo sisters who greeted me with news of their love lives and their teen misadventures.

after quick goodbyes and a bumpy plane ride, i'm back. no family to greet me at the airport and waiting for me instead are my grocery list, my room which needs cleaning, laundry which needs to be picked up and work to be done the next day. how oddly comforting.

before saying goodnight, i walk down to the beach and head to my favorite shack. with a glass of pineapple rum i look up and see the stars peeking through the coconut trees.

just happy to be home :)

island happiness - 30 aug, tuesday

another night at red pirates. god i love this place. just listening to the old bombom guys jamming and the sound of the waves crashing mad makes me go..you know :)

this is the island at its purest. the beach shack was filled with islanders and friends alike (no one's a stranger here) sharing freshly cooked dinner, sitting on our own piece of driftwood. never mind the cold habagat wind, it was a beautiful night. the happiness so tangible it warmed our backs the way pineapple rum does.

i open my arms wide, if only to spread some island happiness all over the world.

beached - 28 aug, sunday

aloha! my nose is sunburnt, tee-hee :)

27 aug, saturday

like the average sleepyhead, i set my alarm twice. the first is a pseudo-alarm, for when i should wake up. the 2nd is the main alarm, for when i should really wake up. so in between the two, i lounge lazily or go as far to attempt catching a few more minutes of precious sleep. this morning, the sleepyhead's universal morning rule was just broken by a spider.

let me tell you this, i have never gotten out of bed faster since i set foot on this island. though it was a medium sized spider with thread thin legs that crawled silently on my sheets, it proved to be more effective than my alarm system.

but if waking up early and breaking my day off to attend a two hour office training means sitting with my officemates in an open room overlooking the ocean on a sunny day, i'll take it anytime.

well i'm off to the beach. happy weekend everyone :)

twilight thoughts - 26 aug, thursday

i woke up to the sound of raindrops. it must have been 4 in the morning. though the rain was falling softly, the tin roof echoed each drop like a faint gong rousing me from my dream. it hasn't rained for days.

i realize i barely know anything about you. what shaped you to become the oddly fascinating person you are today. we talk about now, never about yesterday with only a few vague glimpses into your future.

i hide under my blanket to snuggle with you, a hundred miles away.

red pirates - 26 aug, friday

pineapple rum in a shack by the beach. reggae, pop rock and ballad music. a fire dance. a handful of travelers and islanders. brown and white. strange and beautiful, just the way i like it.

my peace - 24 aug, wednesday

i miss certain friends. old ones from way back. and though you're fairly new, i miss you too. when i talk about the stars or sunsets, you get it. i love that you notice when the air changes into pink or blue.

~

in a good way, i've always been burdened by the past. i refuse to let some things go, afraid that if i do, it would change my entire being. and i've always been cautious about tomorrow, careful not to divulge my hopes or speak for fear of rejection. so everyday, i cling to my past and sleep with thoughts of the future at night.

but i do believe that change is good for the soul.

as a child i tormented my mother with torn pajamas from climbing trees and picking up fights with the neighbourhood boys. come to think of it, this was probably why she ignored my pleas for karate lessons and stuffed me in ballet shoes instead. my teenage and college years revolved around competitive and adventure sports - swimming, running marathons and rowing gave me my natural high. a restless creature, i was not one to stay still. until one day, i did. i sat down on a black cushioned revolving chair and the office became my world for six exciting and tiring years.

that part of my life is over, thank God. i still swim, floating a bit more this time. i still run, no longer racing after others. it took me a long while before i could calm down and breathe normally again.

my life isn't perfect but i savor every moment - every flower that blooms unexpectedly, every rare good thing that comes along the way and every sadness brought by things that are not meant to be, all these i now embrace. not the past, not the future, but the present.

in an unexpected move, i'm now taking yoga and loving every minute. as i chant om shanti shanti...i feel peace. peace that comes with the faint scent of the ocean and the amber glow of each sunset. peace that comes from the stillness of being. peace that comes from my heart.

my banana milkshake - 22 aug, monday

melancholy came right after college, what i considered were the best years of my existence. it was my first time to leave home, live independently and make decisions which would later change the course of my life. nights were constantly filled with nostalgia. like a bad hangover, it wouldn't leave. no amount of banana milkshakes and pain reliever could cure. i found solace in old letters and snapshots which faded throughout the years. it was probably the main theme of my quarter life crisis. i poured all my energy into my new job in order to avoid the erratic episodes of misery and depression. but no matter how hard i tried, it caught up.

so i started looking for alternatives. a detour. an escape from the habitual flow of things. so once again i write...

this is why i travel...to escape from a life that family and friends see fit. to slip away from a society that tells you to have babies soon because your biological clock is tick-tocking louder and the neighbours are listening. where girlfriends greet you with looks of feigned concern when they say you should put on a few more pounds, patting your shoulders and nodding their heads sadly like they would if somebody's dog had died. perplexed why my physical state deserves an editorial, a smile is all i could offer to keep myself from screaming. why do they care how a person should look? i eat what i want & i'm damn happy to fit nicely in my bikini. i can't help but wonder, when did people start losing touch with things that really matter?

oh don't get me wrong. i love my home, stifling as it may be at times. but always inside me is a yearning that can only be pacified by the sound of the ocean, the indescribable feeling of being in a strange place, the sight of bright pink sunsets and night skies spattered with a thousand stars...

this was written 11 months ago. today i am in a place where crickets chirp endlessly at five in the afternoon. where i can experience the moonset and sunrise at the same time.

today i am here. but it wasn't an easy ride. i spent weeks each year escaping to far off places, collecting moments of discoveries and sheer pleasure. but it took me years to gather enough courage to unlock the key that kept me chained to the ground. this time raised eyebrows, discouraging protests, and wild horses couldn't keep me away.

my third month on the island and counting. it is heaven on earth and paradise with rain. it's not all magic and romance, life is also at work here. there are days when the monsoon winds prove just a bit too much and the mud unforgivable. but my pink sunsets and star filled skies come in between. and like a thorn removed, i realized i no longer have that hangover.

the island has become my banana milkshake. though we are still trying to get to know each other, i've come to call her home. i no longer feel the need to run away. now i'm just running. with the wind, sea and sky. defying my fears. defying gravity.

new sensations - 20 & 21 aug, saturday thru sunday

sunset & moonlight.

some ice cream, a mug of peppermint tea and heartwarming conversation that lingered after sunrise.

night and morning played out beautifully.

yet i am filled with sadness for the strangest reasons.

island moon - 19 aug, friday

everyone was out for the first night of the full moon, decked out on the beach, just staring at the sky. how can anything compare?

as we trudged in the sand on our way home, the moon was setting at half past five in the morning. the air turned pink as the sun rose on the other side of the island. so i guess i was wrong. something can compare after all.

17 aug, wednesday

after rounds of my special jungle juice concoction (trust me, i'm good with rum) and sweet blue shaker that had my girls laughing & crying on a wednesday night, we decided to walk along the beach on our way home. heavy-eyed at 2 am, a cry from sheila woke us up.

at 2 am, the moon was setting.

like a lone fruit in an orange grove, it slid its way slowly to the sea. empty boats rocked backed & forth, soft waves lulling them to sleep. the stars watched as i dashed to the sea, stopping in knee deep water, smiling to my friends and to myself.

this is exactly the life that i want :)

15 aug, monday

the moon hung low, casting an orange sheen to the waters beneath her. the waves were gentle, the night breeze rustling the coconut leaves shyly. i wanted to run into the sea and feel the wet sand between my toes. but it was midnight and no one near was crazy enough to run with me.

oh well :)

13 aug, saturday

sun! sea! waves! and a lot of love

12 aug, friday

as i write, a strange looking beetle hopper (a cross between a beetle & a grasshopper is what it seems) is crawling across my desk. bright green, it looks right at home beside the office pc, which by the way is covered in clear plastic to shield it from the habagat rain.

don't you just love working here? :)

11 aug, thursday

another giant unexpected gift. a most wonderful thing that left me in tears, my mouth hanging & eyes wide open. not a very pretty sight but my love hugged me anyway.

though i'm not one to wear a ring around my finger, i'm keeping it.

10 aug, wednesday

you are my yesterday
void of memories.
i head home with an infantile thought
in the palm of my hand.
i sleep with dreams
of the rain & evening songs.
i wake up
with a knowing smile
that you are not mine.
but someone else's tomorrow.


08 aug, monday

so then i find out her name is kristin. she emails, missing the island already.

05 aug, friday

had dinner with christiana, a visiting canadian who teaches kids in korea. an acquaintance who immediately became a friend as the night wore on. though worlds apart, we found a million and one things in common - a protective mother, a burning wanderlust, the angst of being young & single in the 21st century as well as everyday thoughts on love and life. only a few hours between us, but i'll definitely miss her.

in between rum, mango margaritas & vodka sevens i escaped my little posse to catch a bit of air. then came the rain. raging at two in the morning. the bartenders boarded up as the partygoers were forced to brave the unforgiving downpour. the next two hours were spent with another new friend, the most peculiar 18 year old i know. cold & wet, we warmed ourselves with talks on everything and nothing.

01 aug, monday

monday night is movie night at bamboo lounge. capped the evening off with a glass of sangria & a stroll along the beach.

31 july, sunday

on my way home, i rode in a tricyle driven by a father and his 3 year old son who shouted vroom vroom as we sped along the narrow back streets of boracay

30 july, saturday

after weeks of rain, the sun was finally out! today we danced & jumped with the waves, flirted with the sand & soaked all the sunshine in, our sun deprived skin singing here comes the sun...lal la lala lah...

swept away
29 july, friday

first real night out since i moved to the island. drank rum by the beach, danced with fellow islanders, took a dip in the water, the nighy sky spattered with stars. everything felt real.

i'm home.

:)

like i said

days are moving faster. one sunset after another.

yet even on gray sky afternoons, the sunsets are beautiful. i am not one to look away.

not one to sleep without waking. not one to live without dreaming.

the house beside casimero bakery

that’s how we call home. it will never be the same without you; without your presence as warm as the afternoon sun which paints the otherwise dim kitchen with yellow daffodils. your laughter that bounces off the ceiling like rays of light, penetrating our walls and our hearts. your friendship that is as real and beautiful as soft sand on our feet, saltwater on our skin and all the wonderful things the island brings.

your alarm clock won’t wake me up in the morning and I no longer have to wait endlessly for you to dress up. our kitchen sink will be so much cleaner; your dirty plates won’t sit there biding their time. the floors will be gleaming and i won’t have to trip over your Imelda Marcos collection of slippers. you think life in the house beside Casimero bakery will be more convenient, but I don’t think that way.

i want laughter that makes our bellies ache and conversations through bedroom walls. i want ice cream after dinner and our long brunches on sunday mornings. i want motorcycle rides through the night. and our constant midnight snacks, when we ponder about our troubles and how they seem more bearable with each other’s company. i know, i will miss you dearly.

know i’m here for you. live through your days and let your dreams bring you back, to sunsets and blue skies and all lovely things in between.

days are moving faster

tears fall whenever i think about it. yet I am filled with warmth and inexplicable happiness because it’s you.

you fill my void in the strangest and simplest ways. clear as this morning was, the sky is slowly beginning to fill with clouds. i am lost in my wanting.

lost in translation

sunsets. sunrise. pink skies. moonlight. constellations. ice cream. yogurt. riddles. whispered words. strangled feelings. wind. rain. strange currencies. white wine. smoke in the air. pillow talk. facades. masquerades. uncertainty. moments of clarity. longing. missing. regret. envy. passion. madness. sleepless nights. of hopes. of dreams. blue air. parallel universe. swimming and dancing. drowning and floating. feeling, always feeling, never thinking. until now.

being me

right now i can stare at any inanimate object for hours on end. ok maybe not hours, as i tend to exaggerate about things. my boyfriend once said during one heated argument that i tend to be very dramatic. voice quivering and as theatrical as possible, i shouted back just because your dim ex-girlfriend was a doormat doesn’t mean the rest of womankind is as lifeless and boring. i’m crazy and my life is full of drama and this is why you love me!

ladies and gentlemen: the weight of words.

the afternoon is turning gray and if it weren’t for the tick-tacking of my fingers and keyboards, i could almost hear the whole world yawn. it’s a perfect day for yawning.

thoughts and feelings are consuming me faster these days. i don’t think my mind can keep up. while washing the dishes or writing down messages in our office logbook, i’d catch myself blurting out my thoughts to no one in particular. i know i’m weird but even that begs for an examination. i’m used to blurting out phrases in public, but never on a daily basis.

ladies and gentlemen: a candidate for mental rehab.

parallel universe

so things have a weird way of working out. what the hell am I saying? nothing has worked its way out yet…

living here is like a dream (though a good friend of mine would argue as he finds the word vacation more apt). was it anais nin who said dreams and reality are interdependent? it hits me every time i realize this is my life now. it flows with ease like water smoothing out bumps and rough surfaces that come along the way. if i give this up and settle back in the city, will i be able to wade gracefully back into the normalcy of things? or will i shrivel up like an old piece of grape, devoid of water and life and all sweet matter in between?

the thought makes me sink deeper into the covers, as if the universe under my blanket could provide me with answers.

14.01.06

~

words move in mysterious ways. they alter your state of being and sometimes, the course of events.

just hours ago I got a peek into a parallel universe - and it became one of the best nights of my life.

thank you.

13.01.06

~

rain will fall like tears tonight.

can the void within us ever be filled?

like a blank canvass, my mind still refuses to speak up. my heart is pounding silently. i knew the time would come, the question was when. today it obviously has.

just like that.

tell me – i fucking told you so.

12.01.06

spinning

these past few months i have been responding to things in a purely spontaneous manner. i felt blood drain out of me from over-thinking the last year and a half of my life that my mind has learned to shut down on its own. and because i have been feeling and swimming in my emotions, i am having the most baffling time attempting to answer questions that need to be asked. like “what the hell am I doing” and “where am I still not trusting life”.

i can only eat a plate of banana sour cream pancakes (my latest comfort food) and ponder the whole day, inexorably gulping down the last bit without arriving to any conclusion. for the first time in my life i considered seeing a shrink, only to see if she can get those answers from me. but if I cannot do it for myself then who can? the vastness and variety of events that occurred in the last few days has left me in a state of weird confusion. i can say i am happy. in fact, happier than i have been in a long while. but as much as i would love to stay in this suspended state of happiness, the situation calls for a leap.

common sense is not so common these days you see. if only answers can come clear as the sky on a cloudless day then i’d be flying.

sea glass

you are my bedtime thought, the one that lulls me to sleep. tell me, what is it about you that draws me near? closer each day, yet further apart we breathe. you are my night sky - all clouds, all stars, all moon.

desire burns eagerly for what it can’t have. your eyes bring me to where I am and where we’re not. i am without you and forever with you. i'm blissfully stranded on your island, like sea glass shimmering in the sand.

moonswept

i had work the next day but then the full moon was out, the air a mystic blue, the ocean waves lapping at my feet, how can i waste that on sleep?

three pineapple rhums, a mango shake and one cup of coffee later i am struggling to keep myself awake. you don't have to ask, the answer is yes - i am definitely doing it again :)

sunset sailing

sailing in pink waters, i watched as the sky turned purple. parallel to the horizon, i let myself go, floating in the wind. the sun painted the clouds a startling red, like a neon sky on fire. up ahead the moon juts out of the sky like a pearl, precious in its oyster shell. no words to speak as I lie in wonder, an astonishing stillness settling over me. so close to nature, I am one with the sky, moon and sea.

serendipity and other miracles

each day is truly a blessing.

you wake up to a bright sky, like a blue canvass waiting to be painted. you let the sun kiss your face and the wind cool your skin. you've been overcome by disappointment, and for a moment you felt defeat invade you from within. but on this island you've learned to let go. to free things that burden the mind and constrict the soul. in doing so you've created space where love can frow freely. the heaven sees this and blessings fall like rain, kind words you least expect and heartfelt thoughts that inspire immensely. most of all, friends made by serendipity.

you lift your face to the sky and wait for the sunset to paint it pink..orange..purple.

sunsets and sandcastles

it was four in the afternoon when camille, sheila and i walked to beach for some chips and pineapple rum. we watched as the sky turned gray and rays of pale golden light shot through clouds heavy with rain. it was an eerily beautiful sunset. when joey, the red pirate, and his sailboat docked right before dark, the rain came and we all huddled in our favorite beach shack. turned out there was another birthday party at red pirates and we ended up joining the feast. needless to say it was another night of good food in the company of good friends.

~

right before midnight we arrived at summer place where we lost ourselves to reggae and the divine voice of karl roy. as he ended with his own rendition of peter frampton's "baby i love your way" with U2's "with or without you", we danced our way out to the beach where the seabreeze quenched our warm skins. the tide was up and a majestic looking sandcastle was laid out before us. urged by camille, the powerpuff girls plunged into the sandcastle - spires, towers and all. we kicked and dove into the creamy structure until we were covered with sand, giggling like schoolgirls, unmindful of anyone else.

that night i went home sandy and happy :)

once on this island

woke up to a sky blue morning...drank wine with my feet in soft white sand...waves lapping at my knees. all the stars were out.

much love.

my first birthday on the island :)

fear falling

melancholy came knocking on my door right after college - what i considered were the best years of my existence. college was my first time to leave home, live independently and make decisions which would later change the course of my life. those melancholic nights that came after were constantly filled with nostalgia. like a bad hangover, it wouldn't leave. no amount of banana milkshakes and pain reliever could cure. i found solace in old letters and snapshots which faded throughout the years. it was probably the main theme of my quarter life crisis. i poured all my energy into my new job in order to avoid the erratic episodes of misery and depression. but no matter how hard i tried, it caught up. so i started looking for alternatives. a detour. an escape from the habitual flow of things. so once again i write...

this is why i travel...to escape from a life that family and friends see fit. to slip away from a society that tells you to have babies soon because your biological clock is tick-tocking louder and the neighbours are listening. where girlfriends greet you with looks of feigned concern when they say you should put on a few more pounds, patting your shoulders and nodding their heads sadly like they would if somebody's dog had died. perplexed why my physical state deserves an editorial, a smile is all i could offer to keep myself from screaming. why do they care how a person should look? i eat what i want & i'm damn happy to fit nicely in my bikini. i can't help but wonder, when did people start losing touch with things that really matter?oh don't get me wrong. i love my home, stifling as it may be at times. but always inside me is a yearning that can only be pacified by the sound of the ocean, the indescribable feeling of being in a strange place, the sight of bright pink sunsets and night skies spattered with a thousand stars...

this was written 11 months ago. today i am in a place where crickets chirp endlessly at five in the afternoon. where i can experience the moonset and sunrise at the same time.today i am here. but it wasn't an easy ride. i spent weeks each year escaping to far off places, collecting moments of discoveries and sheer pleasure. but it took me years to gather enough courage to unlock the key that kept me chained to the ground. this time raised eyebrows, discouraging protests, and wild horses couldn't keep me away.

my third month on the island and counting. it is heaven on earth and paradise with rain. it's not all magic and romance, life is also at work here. there are days when the monsoon winds prove just a bit too much and the mud unforgivable. but my pink sunsets and star filled skies come in between. and like a thorn removed, i realized i no longer have that hangover.the island has become my banana milkshake. though we are still trying to get to know each other, i've come to call her home. i no longer feel the need to run away. now i'm just running. with the wind, sea and sky. defying my fears. defying gravity.

my peace

in a way, i've always been burdened by the past. i refuse to let some things go, afraid that if i do, it would change my entire being. and i've always been cautious about tomorrow, careful not to divulge my hopes or speak for fear of rejection. so everyday, i cling to my past and sleep with thoughts of the future at night.

but i do believe that change is good for the soul.

as a child i tormented my mother with torn pajamas from climbing trees and picking up fights with the neighbourhood boys. come to think of it, this was probably why she ignored my pleas for karate lessons and stuffed me in ballet shoes instead. my teenage and college years revolved around competitive and adventure sports - swimming, running marathons and rowing gave me my natural high. a restless creature, i was not one to stay still. until one day, i did. i sat down on a black cushioned revolving chair and the office became my world for six exciting and tiring years.

that part of my life is over, thank God. i still swim, floating a bit more this time. i still run, no longer racing after others. it took me a long while before i could calm down and breathe normally again. my life isn't perfect but i savor every moment - every flower that blooms unexpectedly, every rare good thing that comes along the way and every sadness brought by things that are not meant to be, all these i now embrace. not the past, not the future, but the present.

in an unexpected move, i'm now taking yoga and loving every minute. as i chant om shanti...i feel peace. peace that comes with the faint scent of the ocean and the amber glow of each sunset. peace that comes from the stillness of being. peace that comes from my heart.

tagged

Seven things I love the most:
(1) the ocean
(2) the moon
(3) traveling
(4) saltwater on my skin
(5) the smell of freshly baked bread
(6) my pajamas
(7) the idea of greece

Seven random facts about me:
(1) i love rice
(2) i want to go on a no chicken diet
(3) i've never fainted in whole life & sometimes fantasized about it
(4) i dream every single night
(5) i want to be a ballerina or a stage actor in my next life
(6) i'm ticklish
(7) i still cry whenever i leave home

Seven things I plan to do before I die:
(1) live in italy for a few months, learn the language
(2) swim with dolphins
(3) morocco, india, paris, portugal, thailand, vietnam...
(4) hanglide in rio de janeiro
(5) dance the flamenco in spain
(6) share a kiss under moonlight in paris
(7) have babies

Seven things I can do:
(1) swim like a fish
(2) row a scull
(3) drink rum..lots of it
(4) climb trees
(5) eat 3 cups of rice in one sitting..maybe even 4
(6) fight
(7) cook

Seven things I can't do:
(1) raise one eyebrow at a time
(2) cartwheel
(3) hula hoop
(4) hold my tears
(5) hide my joy & sadness
(6) act - as in act like a movie star
(7) crosstitch (thank heavens..)

Seven things that attract me to the opposite sex:
(1) eyes that speak
(2) the ability to laugh at oneself
(3) spontaneity (with a dash of craziness)
(4) love & respect for nature
(5) strength & humility
(6) wonderful sense of humor
(7) faith

Seven crushes (whether local or foreign or nonexistent):
(1) johnny depp in edward scissorhands
(2) johnny depp in blow
(3) johnny depp in chocolat
(4) johnny depp as my boyfriend
(5) kate beckinsale
(6) the guy i saw in sydney's town square station
(7) him

strange currencies

we can always talk about the stars tonight
or watch the setting moon.
we can lie awake in our beds again
until the morning light whispers sleep.
and while our thoughts dance in the same ocean
we are islands away.
bound by fragile threads
you and i
we can only dream.
in the space between our complex lives
i find the strangest comfort
that warms my soul
and tears my heart.

i have found and lost.

celestial beings, we are light years apart.

gentle giants

it was almost three months ago when we flew from manila to legaspi city. it was 7 in the morning, the air still crisp as we got off the plane. the beautiful mount mayon greeted us in all her sleepy splendor. immediately after taking photos of mayon, we boarded a rented van which took us to see another giant. next stop - donsol.

a fishing town located two hours from legaspi, the place was undisturbed by tourists until a few years back. midway through the drive, it started to rain, remnants of a tropical storm that blew past the region. we arrived at donsol, unpacked our gear & boarded the waiting bancas while the rain poured unforgivingly. the outrigger boat, though big, was uncomfortably narrow. while my four companions chatted cheerfully, i sat on the far end corner and tried my best not to look terrified. i was comforted after our BIO, alan, told us not to expect any sightings due to the rough weather conditions. great, i thought. who'd be crazy enough to jump in the choppy waters anyway.

apparently, i was. after circling the bay for over an hour, a cry from alan woke us up. hearts pounding, we donned our flippers, pulled our masks down & bit on our snorkels anxiously. there was no time to be scared as we were told to jump over the port side. of all the tips i got from the veteran divers, the simplest one stuck - follow your BIO like a gut. fighting the waves, i swam after the only thing i could see - alan's neon shorts. he grabbed my elbow and pointed me in the right direction.

i looked down and there she was- my first whale shark.

i was screaming & laughing like a crazed fan, i couldn't help myself. i swam on top of the butanding, the discovery channel image of a lone skindiver floating gracefully with a whale shark etched on my mind. i was swimming with the world's biggest fish, amazed how a creature so big can be so gentle.

(to be continued when writer is in the mood to finish travelogue...)

through thick & thin

it's been weeks. moving to an island, starting a new job, living on my own, getting terribly sick in the process - these are things i just went through. it was scary, exciting, nerve wracking & thought provoking to say at the very least. well, that is life.

* * *

i started with a different blog in mind. but opening an email from a friend who's written weeks ago changed the direction of my thoughts & fingers as a new emotion took over. some of us are lucky to have friends who've already become family. friends we've had since we were kids, who can easily understand the words that come out of our food-stuffed mouths and remember our first kiss' every detail like it happened yesterday.

but most of all we are lucky to have friends who need us.

take this friend for example. she was the first one to hear all the icky details of that first kiss, the friend who kept the love letters from my cabinet raiding mom, the girl i've fought with a dozen times & the one who eventually drifted away during the years. there were instances i almost gave up on her, convinced that there was nothing else i could do to make things better. only to realize much later that we were in charge of our own separate lives, that we were no longer kids. more importantly, realize that she wasn't alone in the drifting department - i was there too.

now we're slowly retracing our steps. after all, the people we needed when we were young & clueless are the same folks we need when we are not-so-young & reckless. in the midst of crossroads, broken hearts & new relationships, i offered my shoulder & some advice. again. convinced this time that there is hope, that a person like this one was not meant to be given up on. and i was right. my shoulder was cried on & my words were embraced, like a long lost friend.

it may sound funny, but the truth is glaring. we need our friends to need us. just as much as we need them.

live it, love it

time slows down when i'm in hong kong. i step out of the hotel & into the heart of kowloon. the never ending flurry of pedestrians and street hawkers are like an orchestra, their footsteps and banter the symphony. the city seems peaceful, in a matrix kind of way.

so walk walk walk i go. restraint was far more exercised than my legs though. apart from eating and bits of sightseeing, what else is there to do but shop. hk's no longer a bargain haven but the dizzying window displays make me think otherwise. at the end of the day, there's nothing like a good walk to clear my head.

***

everytime i travel, i make it a point to walk down side streets, areas that are far removed from the center. this is where the unforgettable cup of cappucino is found or the best mojitos are served. streets that are lined with shops, bars, cafes and the occasional library that seem content where they are. soho & staunton have just been added to this personal collection.

i love cities that never sleep. streets are much more appealing at night. the glare of neon lights and empty buses that drive past, somehow i find all these comforting. but that's just me.

my lola's birthday

yesterday we celebrated my lola's birthday. she's 86 and smiling. the home where my mother grew up was filled with a crowd of smiling lolas. we arrived a few minutes before noon, hungry & just in time for the feast that awaited us.

sister - marami bang bisita si lola?
mom - siyempre her senior citizen friends...
sister - YES...mahinang kumain

needless to say my sister was proven wrong. like a swarm of bees, the whole senior citizen population of digos city surrounded the food laden table. like the good kids that we are, my cousins & i patiently waited for our turn. mind you, they paid no heed to arthritis & increasing blood pressure. it was their friend's birthday and they were going to celebrate it like they used to, with good food.

the last guest left at around 3 in the afternoon. my lola clearly enjoyed herself. who wouldn't be? no matter how old you are, in the company of good friends, age is the last thing that matters.

all mine

i have this secret. there are days when i'd lose myself in yet another reverie. i'd float for hours like a song in my head.

but sometimes it just makes me feel like a small snake's trying to find its way out of my insides. it makes me go "gaaaaaah!" out loud even in the most public places. i've been doing it a lot of times lately that i've become immune to people's stares.

it's embarrasing but i can't help it. i'm weird that way.

but today i'm humming :)

not so random thoughts

sometimes i want to move out & find a place of my own.

there are also times when i want nothing more than to sleep beside my mom at night.

sometimes i feel like getting married already, because then things would be so much easier. so much more practical. my boyfriend won't have to drive me home everyday.

but when i think of marriage, i ask myself - is this it?

sometimes i'm a bad person. i want things & think of things that would only complicate my simple life. you probably have bigger problems. everyone has bigger problems.

and then what?

insanity

it's summer once again and stars have become quite rare these days, or shall i say nights. which is why i long for boracay, bantayan or any other whitewashed island at this time of year, when stars dot the sky & sparkle like the ocean's bioluminescence. did you know that a star-filled sky is as potent as 6 glasses of mojitos? for me anyway. call me crazy but a blanket of stars & the sand on my back get me so...high. i've been asked "are you drunk?" on several occasions, judging from my seemingly puzzling euphoric behavior. i guess you need a bit of craziness in you to understand.

lately however, the moon is taking centerstage. last night it was huge. like a slice of lemon, the moon hung perfectly still, pale yellow against the midnight sky. it was so big it looked like i could reach out & grab it. they say all the crazy people run wild when the full moon's out. just like werewolves.

shifting gears

fresh strawberry shakes. suddenly a trip to manila ain't such a bad thing after all :)

i've been swamped with work the last couple of weeks. going out hair still damp from shower, is a pretty good sign that life has once again shifted to high gear. gone are the lazzzy mornings & afternoon dates with mario batali. no more hair-drying-inspired epiphanies, hence the unfashionably damp hairstyle. it's summer after all & orders for the beachbaby are piling up. though it may sound like i'm complaining, i'm actually not :)

but tonight, my running & lack of proper hair grooming have paid off. as soon as i got home, i sat down and watched tv with the rest while randomly poring over the day's paper. to my surprise, PDI featured my baby! a couple of photos & some nice words on my cropped pants, tie bottom capris & lounge pants came out in full color. as if on cue, text messages came one after the other, from clients who've become friends, congratulating me on this small but very important milestone. in my head, i'm dancing.

this definitely calls for another glass of ice cold strawberry shake :) salud!

return to innocence

summers were all the same before i turned twelve. twiglike, my sister & i we were sent to stay in the province a.k.a. the fat farm. a magical place where tablespoons of cod liver & poached eggs were forced into our young mouths each morning. year after year, my parents hoped for few more pounds while we slept, ate & played for a month. those experiments didn't yield the much hoped for results. our bodies weren't destined to be adorably chunky, the kind that strangers in the streets would attempt to pinch & fawn over. the fact that i came first was probably the reason why everyone in the family fussed over me.

but what a darling i was when i was 8 months old! i have this picture of myself being carried by my lola- queen of the fat farm. in her arms she held a milky ball of soft baby fat, with big round eyes framed by black curly hair. i know, that doesn't sound like me at all.

one of the photos that came after showed a skinny three-year old girl with a ridiculously big stomach bulging out of a red bikini. believe me when i say the image is too comical for words. but i was one confident kid. hands on my waist & a big gumamela in my hair, i struck a pose. with one flash, that moment was immortalized, forever etched in my family's minds and the generation that soon followed.

the next summer ladies & gentlemen, my parents bought me a yellow one-piece bathing suit.

i was too young to understand the implications of that noble action.

oh to be a kid again.

sleepwalker

the hardest person to give advice to is yourself.

i've recently told a friend in doubt to be true to herself. to go out & fulfill her wants and needs without having to hide behind lies & half-hearted efforts. but i know how hard it is to leave.

when i find myself in a bowl of confusion, it's so much easier to dial-a-friend and bore him or her out of his or her wits. it's more difficult to sit it out on your own and face your own ugly thoughts.

how many of us stay in this pattern? how many of us leave? and how many of us realize how aimless we all have been? we live, work, play, go on grand adventures and wake up one day to realize we've all been sleepwalking.

it's never easy.

the pod of small things

i am having an affair. i've fallen in love with my i-pod mini.

reasons why:

1. it keeps me company when everyone that matters is already asleep
2. for being agreeable & fuss-free (please stay that way).
3. puts me to sleep in the most romantic way possible (if i can't have sting sing 'someone to watch over me' night after night, i'll settle for my i-pod)

tiny & metallic blue, it is warm against my hip. if only all my relationships are as convenient, then i will be covered with warm fuzzy spots all over.

i am no techie.

i'm just a sentimental fool.

nuggets

ton is one of my best friends. sometimes he can be a bit weird, out of this world even and he likes to hear people say that about him. he's moody & quiet at times. also funny, sweet & mysteriously endearing.

meet nuggets - his teddy bear. a gift i gave him towards the end of freshman year in college. since we were studying in different cities, i wanted to give him someone who can keep him company, day and night. someone who can listen to his weird ramblings without leaving, someone he can take to the beach when i'm not around & just someone who'll accept his hugs unconditionally.

this is for you
do you realize that we've been friends for ten years? we've wondered and pondered about life's bullshits & mysteries, seen each other battle one angst after another and stared at the stars countless times. always, we run to each other in times of need to find comfort in silence only we can give. in the beginning, friends wondered and were even wary of this strange friendship. after all, it was hard for people to understand what they didn't have. i am always good at explaing things but since this has never bothered me, i never did. i find little need to explain matters that i hold dearly.

life after college was a different story. work happened, boyfriend & girlfriend came. at the back of my mind i knew i was being a lousy friend. gone were the nightly talks, star gazing, you visiting me at home & the quiet times we used to share. calls were replaced with emails and random text messages. visits came down to one-hour coffee talks whenever i felt the need to get away from my world. with a tremendous work schedule and a new relationship at hand, i felt my growing absence in our friendship was justified. until the day you left for san francisco.

so now i feel like a school girl once again, missing my best friend who's far away. i wonder about nuggets, if he still lives in your room, if he's balding, if he's sad as i am, missing his weird master who's out to conquer the world.

so after months & years of half-baked conversations, you don't know how happy i was talking to you this afternoon. we teased, laughed, annoyed & reviewed each other's lives that for a moment, our troubles didn't seem that bad. yes, we did make up for lost time :) for this i'm glad.

i hope you won't fade into the background like you always do when things get hectic. as we grow older, things move faster, situations get tougher, but the world will not stop for us. life isn't as sweet & simple as it was in college, but that shouldn't hinder us from each other. when conversations & actual times spent together become rare, that only makes what we have more special.

i miss stargazing with you the most. there is no one near right now who would willingly suffer neck pains for a few wonderful moments staring at the night sky. now, i do realize we won't be looking at the same constellations. but as long as we're looking at them like we used to, then everything's alright between us :)

what i love

the beach.

blue cloudless skies.

starlit nights.

photographs.

saltwater on my skin.

fresh strawberries.

mustard.

nigella lawson.

sarah mclachlan's songs.

sting's voice,

and seal's.

gelato.

cooking pasta.

la dolce vita.

rum.

rum with pineapple.

rum with iced tea.

tequila rose.

the vast www.

long drives.

reminiscing.

pink sunsets.

the smell of rain.

sleeping in.

great movies.

johnny depp.

my precious books.

irreplaceable friends.

wonderful family.

my sad, happy, weird & heartwarming collection of memories.

i'm feeling melancholic. so i shall say, i love you all :)

blast from the past

i remembered...scribbled on a couple of white cube notes, tucked between yellowed sheets of a favorite book...i found and read it again after all these years. to what caused this sudden reminiscence, i cannot say.

then and now
i catch myself alone in your gaze
not knowing
how or why
your words haunt me still
like a slow flame
blue & brilliantly sad

so cold
like the night
you do not bare yourself to anyone
yet how i feel you inside me
like water
and fire

i do not know what to say

you are so distant
your eyes
lost among old feelings and words -

how can we forget?
my heart cannot understand you still
the years haven't uncovered anything
more than dried roses
and crumpled letters

i wonder if you love me
but the stars hide you
and the evening goes on
remembering.

for how long can you wait
if you start forgetting
that i'm here or there

always leaving before losing twilight
i find myself alone again.

the scariest thing about the past is that it's part of us. no matter where we go, how much of it we forgot, we carry it with us always.

like home-cooked dinner, good or bad, there will always be leftovers.

today

....is the first day of a new year. once again i open my journal & read through my entries. january 2001...january 2002...january 2003...okay. so it ends right there. for some forgettable reason, january 2004 is MISSING.

it has been a personal tradition on the first day of each year to read past entries in my orange & blue floral journal (please do not question my taste on this one - this notebook had been a gift). why i didn't jot anything down last year, i really don't remember.

one thing that i do know is this - 2004 was one big rollercoaster ride.

after a painfully slow quarter-life crisis that lasted for two years (gasp!), i plucked enough courage and insanity to leave my comfort zone. i woke up from a strange slumber where i dreamt of getting married at the age of 25. i shook my head with the realization that with all the life changes that i've gone through, so much of me is still the same. to travel and to live freely. it's what i've always wanted.

last year, i got to do just that. i left home and everything else in it for an exploratory trip that lasted for a month. i re-discovered my dreams and realized how much i needed to spend time with myself and experience things on my own. incidents proved once again that i am a complicated person. thus the complicated threads i've managed to weave into my life.

it was indeed a difficult year, but an exciting one just the same. with all the heartaches and goodbyes, life goes on.

as i read through my journals once again, i can only smile at the scared woman i was at that time. my battles are not over, but i'm proud of myself for having gone a long way. i have finally taken the first step in changing my life.

i still get scared at times, but i try my best to push these thoughts away. i must not give up on my dreams, no matter how silly or reckless they may seem to other people. i know that now.

blue christmas by abbytrysagain

so today, i can only hope for a better and brighter year ahead. one filled with more happy discoveries, new places to conquer and ultimately - la dolce vita. to live the bohemian life i've always dreamed about.

p.s.
i've managed to slave my way through - it's almost 5 in the morning after all. this should more than make up for last year's missing entry. happy new year everyone :)

epiphany

a few days ago, while i was blowing my hair dry, i had an epiphany. clear as the cloudless sky that morning, it struck me - i am not wife material.

seriously.

i don't have martha stewart fantasies even when i love burying myself in crafts at times or spending three days in a row cooking up a pasta storm.

i know - being a wife isn't all about playing house. it's just that right now, i can't stand the thought of staying put, for husband or child for that matter. not when some dreams still need to be realized.

i am, i can say, girlfriend material.

well at least one thing's for certain.

happy holidays everyone :)

life as it is

like i've said, i've been extremely busy.

in the middle of production and designing new items for my lounge, sleep & beach collection, balancing finances and launching a new magazine, negativity has still managed to find its way in.

after almost five years of being together, my boyfriend and i have been constantly asked the BIG question - "when are you two getting married?"

i've gone from mona lisa smiles to childlike pouts and the occasional exaggerated grimace. though few people have stopped there, most begged to pursue the discussion. this question & answer portion is always present in family gatherings, drinking parties & of course, weddings. it has become such a routine to the point that our creativity has been put to good use.

in spite of all these, there are precious few who know the truth. close friends & family who've watched us grow as a couple. but lately, these same people have started asking us, WHEN?

so why negativity? because no matter how i try to answer their unending questions, they still fail to understand WHY. they nod their heads sadly, quietly wishing i felt differently. worse, one person very close to my heart has challenged me with statements like "do you really think he'd wait for you longer?". it has gotten so bad that she even doubts if bf has any plans at all, specifically pointing out the absence of a ring on my finger.

but i don't even want a ring. i want my life as it is.

i like how i'm rediscovering old passions, revealing new talents and reinventing ME. right now i'm simply trying to be the person i've always wanted to be, and it's a very scary process. each day brings a new opportunity as well as uncertainty. although i know where i want to go, i'm not certain what the best way is to get there. each day is a challenge as it is and when the people you depend on for support question the decisions you make, the day just becomes a tad harder to deal with.

someday, i would like to get married. but not just yet.

as much as i believe in marriage, stronger is the belief that not everyone's sole purpose in life is to tie the knot. that individuals who decide differently shouldn't be judged nor frowned upon. no one, not even celebrities who make a living out of public scrutiny, should be told how to live life. but i guess in a society where no one is ever content, where your body is either too thin or too fat and never just right, this message is difficult to get across.

in the midst of all this negativity, one person has remained open-minded and understanding. my boyfriend, my personal cheerleader, my devil's advocate. he listens to my ideas without judgment, talks about my plans with sincerity and helps in weighing out my options. once in a while he gets me tissue when i can't help but be the teary-eyed diva i've become these last few & frantic weeks.

when words fail, he gives me a big hug that tells me i'll be alright.

and this is what i call positivity.

good and bad

i'm pissed.

which is actually a good thing, considering just hours ago i was mad as hell. as much as i am aware of the insolence of people's weaknesses, i also believe in fate. that everything has a reason. right now, i just don't care what that is.

i had a wonderful weekend though. a long weekend celebrating my boyfriend's 30th birthday. with his brother & cousin who flew all the way from starbucks (believe me, they actually live there) we spent a quiet afternoon in one of my favorite hideaways - chema's by the sea. a tiny beach resort with lush gardens, lovely cabanas and a saltwater infinity pool all coated in silence. who would have thought that this place was just five minutes by boat from the city?



it doesn't end there. the next day, we were up at 6:00 am to take a another boat ride to a precious cove situated two hours away from the mad city crowd. instead of fine sands, the beach is made up of pebbles, white & peach, in all molds and sizes. the place is also a marine sanctuary, the abundance of corals and tropical fish is indeed an underwater sight to behold. being on that island is like being in the middle of nowhere. on one end, there are rock formations and two thatched huts for the occasional visitors. while on the other stands a nipa duplex where the caretaker and his family live.


manong caretaker - photo taken by martin (my boyfriend's brother

it's not the easiest place to get to, but it's definitely one of the best places to be in. once in a while we bring a kayak and spend the afternoon exploring the cove. mostly it's just floating on our backs until it's time to pack up.

how we live in stressful times. on some days though, life is a beach.

trenta años

my boyfriend is turning 30 tomorrow :)

like a debutante, he's been planning the big event for weeks. even when his birthday was still months away, i'd catch him saying to no one in particular "trenta na ako". like he was trying to fit it on for size. to which i would always reply teasingly "i'm going to have a 30 year old boyfriend!". he'd laugh and shake his head.

i remember being surrounded by the older people when we were kids. on family reunions, we listened to grown-up conversations about work, who the good teachers were and neighbours who've just moved in. we stared in curiousity as one of our uncles takes a swig, shiny brown bottle in his hand while our aunt brings in a fresh plate of pulutan. we looked up to them and thought, this is how it's going to be when we get older.

thirty after all is considered to be a man's ripe age for marriage. thirty meant having a one-year old child in a stroller and driving a three-year old toddler to playschool. yet as i look at my boyfriend of almost five years, i realize he's just an overgrown kid. even with a beer in hand, he doesn't look anything like my uncles. it's not just him. i look at myself, our friends and we don't look like the older people stored in my memories. or do we?

maybe in this age, we've come to realize the importance of youth. instead of marrying young, we've decided to explore paths which were left untrodden by our parents. we do not tie the knot with our high school sweethearts (although once in a while a lucky couple beat the odds). we journey far and wide, in hopes of achieving bigger dreams. we put marriage on hold but not romance - never romance. at least that's how i feel.

in spite of our relentless pursuit of personal goals, we embrace romance like our parents and grandparents did. for now, age limits have changed, but there are things that remain the same.

for now, i'm going to have a thirty-year old boyfriend. if this thought occured to a much much younger version of myself, the poor kid would probably suffer a nervous breakdown. now, i can only laugh and shake my head.