return to innocence

summers were all the same before i turned twelve. twiglike, my sister & i we were sent to stay in the province a.k.a. the fat farm. a magical place where tablespoons of cod liver & poached eggs were forced into our young mouths each morning. year after year, my parents hoped for few more pounds while we slept, ate & played for a month. those experiments didn't yield the much hoped for results. our bodies weren't destined to be adorably chunky, the kind that strangers in the streets would attempt to pinch & fawn over. the fact that i came first was probably the reason why everyone in the family fussed over me.

but what a darling i was when i was 8 months old! i have this picture of myself being carried by my lola- queen of the fat farm. in her arms she held a milky ball of soft baby fat, with big round eyes framed by black curly hair. i know, that doesn't sound like me at all.

one of the photos that came after showed a skinny three-year old girl with a ridiculously big stomach bulging out of a red bikini. believe me when i say the image is too comical for words. but i was one confident kid. hands on my waist & a big gumamela in my hair, i struck a pose. with one flash, that moment was immortalized, forever etched in my family's minds and the generation that soon followed.

the next summer ladies & gentlemen, my parents bought me a yellow one-piece bathing suit.

i was too young to understand the implications of that noble action.

oh to be a kid again.

sleepwalker

the hardest person to give advice to is yourself.

i've recently told a friend in doubt to be true to herself. to go out & fulfill her wants and needs without having to hide behind lies & half-hearted efforts. but i know how hard it is to leave.

when i find myself in a bowl of confusion, it's so much easier to dial-a-friend and bore him or her out of his or her wits. it's more difficult to sit it out on your own and face your own ugly thoughts.

how many of us stay in this pattern? how many of us leave? and how many of us realize how aimless we all have been? we live, work, play, go on grand adventures and wake up one day to realize we've all been sleepwalking.

it's never easy.

the pod of small things

i am having an affair. i've fallen in love with my i-pod mini.

reasons why:

1. it keeps me company when everyone that matters is already asleep
2. for being agreeable & fuss-free (please stay that way).
3. puts me to sleep in the most romantic way possible (if i can't have sting sing 'someone to watch over me' night after night, i'll settle for my i-pod)

tiny & metallic blue, it is warm against my hip. if only all my relationships are as convenient, then i will be covered with warm fuzzy spots all over.

i am no techie.

i'm just a sentimental fool.

nuggets

ton is one of my best friends. sometimes he can be a bit weird, out of this world even and he likes to hear people say that about him. he's moody & quiet at times. also funny, sweet & mysteriously endearing.

meet nuggets - his teddy bear. a gift i gave him towards the end of freshman year in college. since we were studying in different cities, i wanted to give him someone who can keep him company, day and night. someone who can listen to his weird ramblings without leaving, someone he can take to the beach when i'm not around & just someone who'll accept his hugs unconditionally.

this is for you
do you realize that we've been friends for ten years? we've wondered and pondered about life's bullshits & mysteries, seen each other battle one angst after another and stared at the stars countless times. always, we run to each other in times of need to find comfort in silence only we can give. in the beginning, friends wondered and were even wary of this strange friendship. after all, it was hard for people to understand what they didn't have. i am always good at explaing things but since this has never bothered me, i never did. i find little need to explain matters that i hold dearly.

life after college was a different story. work happened, boyfriend & girlfriend came. at the back of my mind i knew i was being a lousy friend. gone were the nightly talks, star gazing, you visiting me at home & the quiet times we used to share. calls were replaced with emails and random text messages. visits came down to one-hour coffee talks whenever i felt the need to get away from my world. with a tremendous work schedule and a new relationship at hand, i felt my growing absence in our friendship was justified. until the day you left for san francisco.

so now i feel like a school girl once again, missing my best friend who's far away. i wonder about nuggets, if he still lives in your room, if he's balding, if he's sad as i am, missing his weird master who's out to conquer the world.

so after months & years of half-baked conversations, you don't know how happy i was talking to you this afternoon. we teased, laughed, annoyed & reviewed each other's lives that for a moment, our troubles didn't seem that bad. yes, we did make up for lost time :) for this i'm glad.

i hope you won't fade into the background like you always do when things get hectic. as we grow older, things move faster, situations get tougher, but the world will not stop for us. life isn't as sweet & simple as it was in college, but that shouldn't hinder us from each other. when conversations & actual times spent together become rare, that only makes what we have more special.

i miss stargazing with you the most. there is no one near right now who would willingly suffer neck pains for a few wonderful moments staring at the night sky. now, i do realize we won't be looking at the same constellations. but as long as we're looking at them like we used to, then everything's alright between us :)

what i love

the beach.

blue cloudless skies.

starlit nights.

photographs.

saltwater on my skin.

fresh strawberries.

mustard.

nigella lawson.

sarah mclachlan's songs.

sting's voice,

and seal's.

gelato.

cooking pasta.

la dolce vita.

rum.

rum with pineapple.

rum with iced tea.

tequila rose.

the vast www.

long drives.

reminiscing.

pink sunsets.

the smell of rain.

sleeping in.

great movies.

johnny depp.

my precious books.

irreplaceable friends.

wonderful family.

my sad, happy, weird & heartwarming collection of memories.

i'm feeling melancholic. so i shall say, i love you all :)

blast from the past

i remembered...scribbled on a couple of white cube notes, tucked between yellowed sheets of a favorite book...i found and read it again after all these years. to what caused this sudden reminiscence, i cannot say.

then and now
i catch myself alone in your gaze
not knowing
how or why
your words haunt me still
like a slow flame
blue & brilliantly sad

so cold
like the night
you do not bare yourself to anyone
yet how i feel you inside me
like water
and fire

i do not know what to say

you are so distant
your eyes
lost among old feelings and words -

how can we forget?
my heart cannot understand you still
the years haven't uncovered anything
more than dried roses
and crumpled letters

i wonder if you love me
but the stars hide you
and the evening goes on
remembering.

for how long can you wait
if you start forgetting
that i'm here or there

always leaving before losing twilight
i find myself alone again.

the scariest thing about the past is that it's part of us. no matter where we go, how much of it we forgot, we carry it with us always.

like home-cooked dinner, good or bad, there will always be leftovers.

today

....is the first day of a new year. once again i open my journal & read through my entries. january 2001...january 2002...january 2003...okay. so it ends right there. for some forgettable reason, january 2004 is MISSING.

it has been a personal tradition on the first day of each year to read past entries in my orange & blue floral journal (please do not question my taste on this one - this notebook had been a gift). why i didn't jot anything down last year, i really don't remember.

one thing that i do know is this - 2004 was one big rollercoaster ride.

after a painfully slow quarter-life crisis that lasted for two years (gasp!), i plucked enough courage and insanity to leave my comfort zone. i woke up from a strange slumber where i dreamt of getting married at the age of 25. i shook my head with the realization that with all the life changes that i've gone through, so much of me is still the same. to travel and to live freely. it's what i've always wanted.

last year, i got to do just that. i left home and everything else in it for an exploratory trip that lasted for a month. i re-discovered my dreams and realized how much i needed to spend time with myself and experience things on my own. incidents proved once again that i am a complicated person. thus the complicated threads i've managed to weave into my life.

it was indeed a difficult year, but an exciting one just the same. with all the heartaches and goodbyes, life goes on.

as i read through my journals once again, i can only smile at the scared woman i was at that time. my battles are not over, but i'm proud of myself for having gone a long way. i have finally taken the first step in changing my life.

i still get scared at times, but i try my best to push these thoughts away. i must not give up on my dreams, no matter how silly or reckless they may seem to other people. i know that now.

blue christmas by abbytrysagain

so today, i can only hope for a better and brighter year ahead. one filled with more happy discoveries, new places to conquer and ultimately - la dolce vita. to live the bohemian life i've always dreamed about.

p.s.
i've managed to slave my way through - it's almost 5 in the morning after all. this should more than make up for last year's missing entry. happy new year everyone :)

epiphany

a few days ago, while i was blowing my hair dry, i had an epiphany. clear as the cloudless sky that morning, it struck me - i am not wife material.

seriously.

i don't have martha stewart fantasies even when i love burying myself in crafts at times or spending three days in a row cooking up a pasta storm.

i know - being a wife isn't all about playing house. it's just that right now, i can't stand the thought of staying put, for husband or child for that matter. not when some dreams still need to be realized.

i am, i can say, girlfriend material.

well at least one thing's for certain.

happy holidays everyone :)

life as it is

like i've said, i've been extremely busy.

in the middle of production and designing new items for my lounge, sleep & beach collection, balancing finances and launching a new magazine, negativity has still managed to find its way in.

after almost five years of being together, my boyfriend and i have been constantly asked the BIG question - "when are you two getting married?"

i've gone from mona lisa smiles to childlike pouts and the occasional exaggerated grimace. though few people have stopped there, most begged to pursue the discussion. this question & answer portion is always present in family gatherings, drinking parties & of course, weddings. it has become such a routine to the point that our creativity has been put to good use.

in spite of all these, there are precious few who know the truth. close friends & family who've watched us grow as a couple. but lately, these same people have started asking us, WHEN?

so why negativity? because no matter how i try to answer their unending questions, they still fail to understand WHY. they nod their heads sadly, quietly wishing i felt differently. worse, one person very close to my heart has challenged me with statements like "do you really think he'd wait for you longer?". it has gotten so bad that she even doubts if bf has any plans at all, specifically pointing out the absence of a ring on my finger.

but i don't even want a ring. i want my life as it is.

i like how i'm rediscovering old passions, revealing new talents and reinventing ME. right now i'm simply trying to be the person i've always wanted to be, and it's a very scary process. each day brings a new opportunity as well as uncertainty. although i know where i want to go, i'm not certain what the best way is to get there. each day is a challenge as it is and when the people you depend on for support question the decisions you make, the day just becomes a tad harder to deal with.

someday, i would like to get married. but not just yet.

as much as i believe in marriage, stronger is the belief that not everyone's sole purpose in life is to tie the knot. that individuals who decide differently shouldn't be judged nor frowned upon. no one, not even celebrities who make a living out of public scrutiny, should be told how to live life. but i guess in a society where no one is ever content, where your body is either too thin or too fat and never just right, this message is difficult to get across.

in the midst of all this negativity, one person has remained open-minded and understanding. my boyfriend, my personal cheerleader, my devil's advocate. he listens to my ideas without judgment, talks about my plans with sincerity and helps in weighing out my options. once in a while he gets me tissue when i can't help but be the teary-eyed diva i've become these last few & frantic weeks.

when words fail, he gives me a big hug that tells me i'll be alright.

and this is what i call positivity.

good and bad

i'm pissed.

which is actually a good thing, considering just hours ago i was mad as hell. as much as i am aware of the insolence of people's weaknesses, i also believe in fate. that everything has a reason. right now, i just don't care what that is.

i had a wonderful weekend though. a long weekend celebrating my boyfriend's 30th birthday. with his brother & cousin who flew all the way from starbucks (believe me, they actually live there) we spent a quiet afternoon in one of my favorite hideaways - chema's by the sea. a tiny beach resort with lush gardens, lovely cabanas and a saltwater infinity pool all coated in silence. who would have thought that this place was just five minutes by boat from the city?



it doesn't end there. the next day, we were up at 6:00 am to take a another boat ride to a precious cove situated two hours away from the mad city crowd. instead of fine sands, the beach is made up of pebbles, white & peach, in all molds and sizes. the place is also a marine sanctuary, the abundance of corals and tropical fish is indeed an underwater sight to behold. being on that island is like being in the middle of nowhere. on one end, there are rock formations and two thatched huts for the occasional visitors. while on the other stands a nipa duplex where the caretaker and his family live.


manong caretaker - photo taken by martin (my boyfriend's brother

it's not the easiest place to get to, but it's definitely one of the best places to be in. once in a while we bring a kayak and spend the afternoon exploring the cove. mostly it's just floating on our backs until it's time to pack up.

how we live in stressful times. on some days though, life is a beach.

trenta años

my boyfriend is turning 30 tomorrow :)

like a debutante, he's been planning the big event for weeks. even when his birthday was still months away, i'd catch him saying to no one in particular "trenta na ako". like he was trying to fit it on for size. to which i would always reply teasingly "i'm going to have a 30 year old boyfriend!". he'd laugh and shake his head.

i remember being surrounded by the older people when we were kids. on family reunions, we listened to grown-up conversations about work, who the good teachers were and neighbours who've just moved in. we stared in curiousity as one of our uncles takes a swig, shiny brown bottle in his hand while our aunt brings in a fresh plate of pulutan. we looked up to them and thought, this is how it's going to be when we get older.

thirty after all is considered to be a man's ripe age for marriage. thirty meant having a one-year old child in a stroller and driving a three-year old toddler to playschool. yet as i look at my boyfriend of almost five years, i realize he's just an overgrown kid. even with a beer in hand, he doesn't look anything like my uncles. it's not just him. i look at myself, our friends and we don't look like the older people stored in my memories. or do we?

maybe in this age, we've come to realize the importance of youth. instead of marrying young, we've decided to explore paths which were left untrodden by our parents. we do not tie the knot with our high school sweethearts (although once in a while a lucky couple beat the odds). we journey far and wide, in hopes of achieving bigger dreams. we put marriage on hold but not romance - never romance. at least that's how i feel.

in spite of our relentless pursuit of personal goals, we embrace romance like our parents and grandparents did. for now, age limits have changed, but there are things that remain the same.

for now, i'm going to have a thirty-year old boyfriend. if this thought occured to a much much younger version of myself, the poor kid would probably suffer a nervous breakdown. now, i can only laugh and shake my head.

confessions of a butterfly

photo by malina sternberg

with the birth of girlpower and magazines depicting today's strong women, it's no small wonder if you've come across stories of fearless individuals who've moved out of their comfort zones and taken the giant leap to transformation. ordinary females who braved the change of careers in order to change their lives. at 27 years old (barely a woman) i become one of them.

i was a successful public relations executive in my hometown's leading international hotel. for over five years, i gained the respect of colleagues and recognition in the industry. a few envied the status i've achieved at a young age while my family took pride. a bright career path was laid out before me. so it was a big surprise when i quit my job, packed my bags and headed to australia. not the most practical decision since no new job was in store, no relatives were there to take me around. just a thirteen year old promise to an aussie-pinoy friend and the unexplainable urge to go fueled by wanderlust.

everyone who knows me well enough is no stranger to my incessant travel bug. annual vacations were spent on islands surrounded by the pacific ocean. spur of the moment decisions were made to travel to strange lands. i come back poorer and happier each time, with a bunch of photographs that were much more anticipated than my arrival. for a long while i justified keeping my dayjob in order to support traveling, until my office and eventually the world had become very small. i have traveled to new destinations and in doing so, arrived to a better understanding of myself and what i truly want. after months of mapping out the near future and tons of indecisive moments, i finally did it. i took the first step in changing my life.

how often do we really listen to our passions and go after our dreams - a romantic notion and a frightening reality altogether. i realize that inspite of all the skills i've acquired and the knowledge i've embraced these past few years, i am still the child who loves to take evening walks and can gaze up the stars for hours, trying to figure out the constellations. i'm the girl who grew up, still loving the ocean and dreaming of circling the globe. i must admit i own too many dreams for one lifetime. trust me, becoming a writer-travel photographer-marine biologist-hollywood ingenue-chef-guitarist-and fashion designer may be a few steps shy from impossible. the point is, there are so many things to do and love in this world. with each journey that i take, i rediscover myself and my passions. with each journey, horizons are stretched and beliefs are challenged. i grow with a better grasp of human nature and more importantly, an appreciation of being on my own - and being happy with the only constant company i keep.

now you may think I've done it!... in a way, maybe i have. i've gathered the right amount of craziness and courage to follow my dreams, reckless as they may seem. but my story doesn't deserve a page in some glossy magazine (not even a paragraph!). not yet anyway. i still haven't achieved what i've set out for. i'm back home from a month-long sojourn in a foreign land and the balloons that brought me high up in the skies are popping one by one, bringing me down slowly to reality. some days doubt sets in, uncertain if my will is stronger than fate. there are days when i can't wait to jump on the next plane and spend the last of my savings for yet another string of exciting discoveries. but not once have i looked back with regret for leaving that old life behind.

if there is one thing that i am sure of, it's this - this yearning inside can only be pacified by distant shores, of adventures waiting to be told and the freedom to be whoever i want to be in a place of my choosing. yes i'm fresh out of the cocoon, still struggling through life's somewhat unreasonable obstacles, fluttering in mid air. in my heart i know i will get there, wherever it may be.

and when that time comes, i'll let you know. if only to inspire and wake another free spirit to spread her wings and take flight.

excerpt from an old journal

green reverie from sensing owls

I have forgotten. I’ve placed the past in a box, tucked between my favorite books. I have forgotten how much it hurts to be reminded of this past. It hurts to write this down and start all over. But it’s something that I have to do, before the hurting gets worse and before I start forgetting again.

I lost myself once to a man I loved deeply, someone who loved me back. For some unfathomable reason I knew it would be him, right from the beginning. In him I had found the other half of my soul, not even knowing till then that I was missing it. I discovered love that took me to great, astonishing heights. An obsession that pulsed like drums and transcended the physical it often hurt. And I accepted him with open arms. He became my passion.

We were both fearless, trudging along in new territories. Deep inside we were afraid. We loved each other extremely that it was too easy for us to hurt one another. Time and again I would check who’s loving who more. It drove me mad until the relationship could no longer take my irrational behavior.

My heart was shattered that night he decided to end it. I didn’t even say goodbye refusing to believe that he had really left me. It turned out I didn’t have that luxury. He just left. Yet no matter how painful & unbearable it was, I was forced to understand & accept what was no longer in my hands. As time watched me pick up the pieces, it was long before my heart was mended. I had changed. I was no longer afraid, no longer weak to my insecurities. I did lose myself, but eventually my soul became whole and stronger with the certainty that inspite of his abandonment, I still loved him. With this sadness I held him close, kept him beside me each night with our silent conversations. Imaginary talks that didn’t seem too imaginary at all, and these held my sanity intact. For I recognized I was skirting the edge of an emotional cliff. Without him I knew I would fall and lose myself all over again.

Two years later we would meet and fate would once again give us a chance. How could it not? I just knew that he’d come back. It is just this sort of knowing that inexplicably stems out from the passion we shared. An impossible belief in things that words cannot express.

No steps were missed this time, no beats skipped. My heart was intact and it was ready. I thought that after two years of grounding, I would be well equipped for anything and willing to accept once again what he had to give me. But I was wrong. He didn’t want my (his) soul back. He wanted an easy detached relationship – no commitment, no nightly contacts and just a few calculated I love yous. We were, after all, miles apart. Two years had given us lives of our own. Still I knew that we would never have a life without each other. It was a trap that destiny wittingly bestowed upon us.

So I consented. I embraced him and his fashionable approach to our newfound relationship. It came with Rules, which I foolishly trusted, thinking that this was the Formula that would work. I believed I could not, should not ask for more. I saw myself as the recipient of the gift, not realizing that I too had gifts to give. That I owe it to myself to ask for the things I really want.

Then one day someone asked for my name, then for a date. So I said to myself, do this - You’re not breaking the Rules, in fact, you’re going by them. Days turned into nights, nights turned into weeks. Deep inside I was waiting for him to flash the red light, junk the formula aside and give our love another chance. Love with all the pain, hurt and tears. As I’ve said, I was ready. But sadly, he was not.

So I found myself with someone who held my hand even when it wasn’t ready for him - he who opened the window and let the sunlight in. Like a starving plant, I found myself being drawn closer yet my mind refused to believe it could happen. I wanted my soul-giver, but he remained distant. Little by little, I found myself smiling and laughing for much different reasons. I was running and dancing and bathing in sunshine, and I could no longer argue with my heart. My heart, broken and unbroken, was without a doubt ready – not just to love but also to be happy.

To this day, saying goodbye to the passion is still the most painful decision I have ever made. It is also one that I do not regret. I have come into terms of my acceptance of our destinies. We are one, yet we are two separate beings. Our strengths and weaknesses have chosen this path. Through all this, our love and pain will remain beautiful.

I can never give my half soul back. I can no longer distinguish where it ends & begins. It is mine to keep I realize that now. I may never get over the pain of having to let a person like that go, just like you can’t stop laughing over a good joke that has been said and heard many times. But I can stop remembering.

I realize I cannot keep the past in a box. It will not hide forever in dusty corners. It will stay here, with me.

In my arms I now cradle my Giant unexpected gift, my life’s sunbeam. Because of him I’ve learned to stop counting the times I say I love you and stop keeping tabs on who said sorry first. I’ve learned to appreciate what loving someone can do, without rules and restrictions. I’ve learned that if you are fortunate enough to be loved by one selfless man, wounds will eventually heal.

Finally I am whole, and happy.

sydney on my mind

sydney opera house


" will you write about sydney? " asked the guy who sat beside me on my usual train ride to the city. he was a student, on his way to an accounting exam. upon finding out i was taking this short course on travel writing & photography, the question was posed. with a sure smile, i said "definitely". that was almost two months ago and i haven't finished my travelogue. so here i am, in between bites of sour-cream cheesecake, trying to make good of a promise made to the aussie lad whose name i didn't catch.

City lights shine like stars as the plane flies over the continent. After seemingly endless goodbyes and too many sleepless hours, I find myself looking down on Australia. My tear-stained face gives way to a smile. The brisk winter wind is fresh on my face as I step outside the airport. With trusty backpack in hand, my grand adventure begins..........

ok, so i'm not done yet. i have 3.5 pages of blurb almost all of which are indecipherable. there's just too many good things to remember and write about. plus the fact that i'm so wanting to go back there - not a very good pastime i say. i should be busy making pajamas, not daydreaming about sydney.

a little something about the pajamas. Tiptoe - loungewear, sleepwear & beachwear (registered with dti, thank you very much) is once again joining the mad rush of christmas bazaars. this baby of mine is turning four years old next month! an occasion that demands a whole sour cream cheesecake (with candles of course). but anyway, that's another story...err, blog :)

horizons

"...watching kids watching the sunset"

the world is only as big as we make it to be.

in the midst of strangers, on a cold winter night, i found myself for a while. over the years, i've been blessed with similar moments - like floating in the middle of the pacific, watching kids watching the sunset, taking solitary walks along bohemian streets or chatting with a stranger on what could have been an ordinary train ride. traveling is a song, a symphony and i am continually searching for myself, dancing my way in this world.

my escape

a traveler and a better writer than myself wrote "An alternative, is perhaps what people are really looking for, even for just a while--something different, a change of perspective, a detour from the mainstream flow of things in order to get in touch with what is real once more"

this is why i travel. to escape from a life that family and friends see fit. to slip away from a society that tells you to have babies soon because your biological clock is tick-tocking louder and the neighbours are listening. where girlfriends greet you with looks of feigned concern when they say you should put on a few more pounds, patting your shoulders and nodding their heads sadly like they would if somebody's dog had died. perplexed why my physical state deserves an editorial, a smile is all i could offer to keep myself from screaming. why do they care how a person should look? i eat what i want & i'm damn happy to fit nicely in my bikini. i can't help but wonder, when did they start losing touch with things that really matter?

oh don't get me wrong. i love my home, stifling as it may be at times. but always inside me is a yearning that can only be pacified by the sound of the ocean, the indescribable feeling of being in a strange place, the sight of bright pink sunsets and night skies spattered with a thousand stars. i dream of waking in whitewashed stone cottages with windows overlooking the mediterranean. of living in an ancient city until my tongue is no longer a stranger to its language. carefree dreams and they keep me going, knowing that there are many bright wonderful things in this world waiting to be discovered.

journey

lifetime by ibevymay

you see me taking these little trips and you think to yourself "there she goes again, on another vacation". traveling is so much more than this. it's life's bigger lesson. it's opening our eyes and experiencing unfamiliar territories, appreciating and understanding different cultures. traveling is an opportunity to raise our consciousness.

i start journeys with plans but more often than not i follow my senses ~ a heavenly smell that leads to a corner bakeshop. the sound of music flowing from a saxophone in the middle of a busy street. or the sight of the ocean, stark naked on a tuesday afternoon.

travelling down a new path has started me on a journey to independence and ultimately self-discovery. it has taught me to wander off on my own and relish my privacy. i discover that being alone in a strange land, can be oddly liberating.

i've met many people, made a few good friends and always, on each occasion, learned a whole lot more about the world we live in. i come back a bit thinner, darker, poorer maybe, yet happier in ways that are truly immeasurable.

home is a wonderful place. but sooner than later, i will find myself elsewhere, in another strange place, wherever this wanderlust takes me.

wandering

right now, i don't know where i am.

i'm neither here nor there.

letter to a friend

hey,

it's so good to hear from you. you're such a sweetheart pretending to be concerned about me and all :)

well, sometimes i still feel lost. but there are so many instances that are just too good, you know? like one cloudless afternoon when i walked out the opera house after watching this divine play, i asked myself if this is it, the life that i want. if this is all worth leaving home and a so called career. and you know what, YES! it's all so worth it.

funny how i don't get homesick except maybe minutes before i fall to sleep. there's so much to discover i can hardly keep all the excitement in without bursting to pieces. i just keep thinking that hopefully one day, i can somehow share these things with my loved ones.

i may not find what i'm looking for here. then maybe i'll find it in europe! who knows?! we never really know where we're going, not until we get there. so don't worry too much.

there are times i think about the future, about settling down & how nice it must be. i don't think i'm really ready. not unless he's willing to go wherever this incredible wanderlust takes me.

i really really wish i can go there soon. then you can take me to tahoe, camping and yeah, shopping.

so is this white chick a one-off thing or are did you trick her into dating you? play safe cassanova.

take care yourself. and please, keep in touch.

hugs & one big kiss on the cheek,

postcards - bondi beach

it's so easy to lose track of time in bondi. eyeing the surfers and writing names on the sand...from a streetside café i can see the park and the ocean, just separated by the boardwalk. birds are everywhere as always, sydney doesn't seem to run out of these flying creatures. it's tempting to go for a swim, but it's freezing - a rare moment where i actually don't touch the water. of course a trip to bondi isn't complete without dropping by the faded beachside shops! gotta learn how to surf soon!

kisses,