once on this island

woke up to a sky blue morning...drank wine with my feet in soft white sand...waves lapping at my knees. all the stars were out.

much love.

my first birthday on the island :)

fear falling

melancholy came knocking on my door right after college - what i considered were the best years of my existence. college was my first time to leave home, live independently and make decisions which would later change the course of my life. those melancholic nights that came after were constantly filled with nostalgia. like a bad hangover, it wouldn't leave. no amount of banana milkshakes and pain reliever could cure. i found solace in old letters and snapshots which faded throughout the years. it was probably the main theme of my quarter life crisis. i poured all my energy into my new job in order to avoid the erratic episodes of misery and depression. but no matter how hard i tried, it caught up. so i started looking for alternatives. a detour. an escape from the habitual flow of things. so once again i write...

this is why i travel...to escape from a life that family and friends see fit. to slip away from a society that tells you to have babies soon because your biological clock is tick-tocking louder and the neighbours are listening. where girlfriends greet you with looks of feigned concern when they say you should put on a few more pounds, patting your shoulders and nodding their heads sadly like they would if somebody's dog had died. perplexed why my physical state deserves an editorial, a smile is all i could offer to keep myself from screaming. why do they care how a person should look? i eat what i want & i'm damn happy to fit nicely in my bikini. i can't help but wonder, when did people start losing touch with things that really matter?oh don't get me wrong. i love my home, stifling as it may be at times. but always inside me is a yearning that can only be pacified by the sound of the ocean, the indescribable feeling of being in a strange place, the sight of bright pink sunsets and night skies spattered with a thousand stars...

this was written 11 months ago. today i am in a place where crickets chirp endlessly at five in the afternoon. where i can experience the moonset and sunrise at the same time.today i am here. but it wasn't an easy ride. i spent weeks each year escaping to far off places, collecting moments of discoveries and sheer pleasure. but it took me years to gather enough courage to unlock the key that kept me chained to the ground. this time raised eyebrows, discouraging protests, and wild horses couldn't keep me away.

my third month on the island and counting. it is heaven on earth and paradise with rain. it's not all magic and romance, life is also at work here. there are days when the monsoon winds prove just a bit too much and the mud unforgivable. but my pink sunsets and star filled skies come in between. and like a thorn removed, i realized i no longer have that hangover.the island has become my banana milkshake. though we are still trying to get to know each other, i've come to call her home. i no longer feel the need to run away. now i'm just running. with the wind, sea and sky. defying my fears. defying gravity.

my peace

in a way, i've always been burdened by the past. i refuse to let some things go, afraid that if i do, it would change my entire being. and i've always been cautious about tomorrow, careful not to divulge my hopes or speak for fear of rejection. so everyday, i cling to my past and sleep with thoughts of the future at night.

but i do believe that change is good for the soul.

as a child i tormented my mother with torn pajamas from climbing trees and picking up fights with the neighbourhood boys. come to think of it, this was probably why she ignored my pleas for karate lessons and stuffed me in ballet shoes instead. my teenage and college years revolved around competitive and adventure sports - swimming, running marathons and rowing gave me my natural high. a restless creature, i was not one to stay still. until one day, i did. i sat down on a black cushioned revolving chair and the office became my world for six exciting and tiring years.

that part of my life is over, thank God. i still swim, floating a bit more this time. i still run, no longer racing after others. it took me a long while before i could calm down and breathe normally again. my life isn't perfect but i savor every moment - every flower that blooms unexpectedly, every rare good thing that comes along the way and every sadness brought by things that are not meant to be, all these i now embrace. not the past, not the future, but the present.

in an unexpected move, i'm now taking yoga and loving every minute. as i chant om shanti...i feel peace. peace that comes with the faint scent of the ocean and the amber glow of each sunset. peace that comes from the stillness of being. peace that comes from my heart.

tagged

Seven things I love the most:
(1) the ocean
(2) the moon
(3) traveling
(4) saltwater on my skin
(5) the smell of freshly baked bread
(6) my pajamas
(7) the idea of greece

Seven random facts about me:
(1) i love rice
(2) i want to go on a no chicken diet
(3) i've never fainted in whole life & sometimes fantasized about it
(4) i dream every single night
(5) i want to be a ballerina or a stage actor in my next life
(6) i'm ticklish
(7) i still cry whenever i leave home

Seven things I plan to do before I die:
(1) live in italy for a few months, learn the language
(2) swim with dolphins
(3) morocco, india, paris, portugal, thailand, vietnam...
(4) hanglide in rio de janeiro
(5) dance the flamenco in spain
(6) share a kiss under moonlight in paris
(7) have babies

Seven things I can do:
(1) swim like a fish
(2) row a scull
(3) drink rum..lots of it
(4) climb trees
(5) eat 3 cups of rice in one sitting..maybe even 4
(6) fight
(7) cook

Seven things I can't do:
(1) raise one eyebrow at a time
(2) cartwheel
(3) hula hoop
(4) hold my tears
(5) hide my joy & sadness
(6) act - as in act like a movie star
(7) crosstitch (thank heavens..)

Seven things that attract me to the opposite sex:
(1) eyes that speak
(2) the ability to laugh at oneself
(3) spontaneity (with a dash of craziness)
(4) love & respect for nature
(5) strength & humility
(6) wonderful sense of humor
(7) faith

Seven crushes (whether local or foreign or nonexistent):
(1) johnny depp in edward scissorhands
(2) johnny depp in blow
(3) johnny depp in chocolat
(4) johnny depp as my boyfriend
(5) kate beckinsale
(6) the guy i saw in sydney's town square station
(7) him

strange currencies

we can always talk about the stars tonight
or watch the setting moon.
we can lie awake in our beds again
until the morning light whispers sleep.
and while our thoughts dance in the same ocean
we are islands away.
bound by fragile threads
you and i
we can only dream.
in the space between our complex lives
i find the strangest comfort
that warms my soul
and tears my heart.

i have found and lost.

celestial beings, we are light years apart.

gentle giants

it was almost three months ago when we flew from manila to legaspi city. it was 7 in the morning, the air still crisp as we got off the plane. the beautiful mount mayon greeted us in all her sleepy splendor. immediately after taking photos of mayon, we boarded a rented van which took us to see another giant. next stop - donsol.

a fishing town located two hours from legaspi, the place was undisturbed by tourists until a few years back. midway through the drive, it started to rain, remnants of a tropical storm that blew past the region. we arrived at donsol, unpacked our gear & boarded the waiting bancas while the rain poured unforgivingly. the outrigger boat, though big, was uncomfortably narrow. while my four companions chatted cheerfully, i sat on the far end corner and tried my best not to look terrified. i was comforted after our BIO, alan, told us not to expect any sightings due to the rough weather conditions. great, i thought. who'd be crazy enough to jump in the choppy waters anyway.

apparently, i was. after circling the bay for over an hour, a cry from alan woke us up. hearts pounding, we donned our flippers, pulled our masks down & bit on our snorkels anxiously. there was no time to be scared as we were told to jump over the port side. of all the tips i got from the veteran divers, the simplest one stuck - follow your BIO like a gut. fighting the waves, i swam after the only thing i could see - alan's neon shorts. he grabbed my elbow and pointed me in the right direction.

i looked down and there she was- my first whale shark.

i was screaming & laughing like a crazed fan, i couldn't help myself. i swam on top of the butanding, the discovery channel image of a lone skindiver floating gracefully with a whale shark etched on my mind. i was swimming with the world's biggest fish, amazed how a creature so big can be so gentle.

(to be continued when writer is in the mood to finish travelogue...)

through thick & thin

it's been weeks. moving to an island, starting a new job, living on my own, getting terribly sick in the process - these are things i just went through. it was scary, exciting, nerve wracking & thought provoking to say at the very least. well, that is life.

* * *

i started with a different blog in mind. but opening an email from a friend who's written weeks ago changed the direction of my thoughts & fingers as a new emotion took over. some of us are lucky to have friends who've already become family. friends we've had since we were kids, who can easily understand the words that come out of our food-stuffed mouths and remember our first kiss' every detail like it happened yesterday.

but most of all we are lucky to have friends who need us.

take this friend for example. she was the first one to hear all the icky details of that first kiss, the friend who kept the love letters from my cabinet raiding mom, the girl i've fought with a dozen times & the one who eventually drifted away during the years. there were instances i almost gave up on her, convinced that there was nothing else i could do to make things better. only to realize much later that we were in charge of our own separate lives, that we were no longer kids. more importantly, realize that she wasn't alone in the drifting department - i was there too.

now we're slowly retracing our steps. after all, the people we needed when we were young & clueless are the same folks we need when we are not-so-young & reckless. in the midst of crossroads, broken hearts & new relationships, i offered my shoulder & some advice. again. convinced this time that there is hope, that a person like this one was not meant to be given up on. and i was right. my shoulder was cried on & my words were embraced, like a long lost friend.

it may sound funny, but the truth is glaring. we need our friends to need us. just as much as we need them.

live it, love it

time slows down when i'm in hong kong. i step out of the hotel & into the heart of kowloon. the never ending flurry of pedestrians and street hawkers are like an orchestra, their footsteps and banter the symphony. the city seems peaceful, in a matrix kind of way.

so walk walk walk i go. restraint was far more exercised than my legs though. apart from eating and bits of sightseeing, what else is there to do but shop. hk's no longer a bargain haven but the dizzying window displays make me think otherwise. at the end of the day, there's nothing like a good walk to clear my head.

***

everytime i travel, i make it a point to walk down side streets, areas that are far removed from the center. this is where the unforgettable cup of cappucino is found or the best mojitos are served. streets that are lined with shops, bars, cafes and the occasional library that seem content where they are. soho & staunton have just been added to this personal collection.

i love cities that never sleep. streets are much more appealing at night. the glare of neon lights and empty buses that drive past, somehow i find all these comforting. but that's just me.

my lola's birthday

yesterday we celebrated my lola's birthday. she's 86 and smiling. the home where my mother grew up was filled with a crowd of smiling lolas. we arrived a few minutes before noon, hungry & just in time for the feast that awaited us.

sister - marami bang bisita si lola?
mom - siyempre her senior citizen friends...
sister - YES...mahinang kumain

needless to say my sister was proven wrong. like a swarm of bees, the whole senior citizen population of digos city surrounded the food laden table. like the good kids that we are, my cousins & i patiently waited for our turn. mind you, they paid no heed to arthritis & increasing blood pressure. it was their friend's birthday and they were going to celebrate it like they used to, with good food.

the last guest left at around 3 in the afternoon. my lola clearly enjoyed herself. who wouldn't be? no matter how old you are, in the company of good friends, age is the last thing that matters.

all mine

i have this secret. there are days when i'd lose myself in yet another reverie. i'd float for hours like a song in my head.

but sometimes it just makes me feel like a small snake's trying to find its way out of my insides. it makes me go "gaaaaaah!" out loud even in the most public places. i've been doing it a lot of times lately that i've become immune to people's stares.

it's embarrasing but i can't help it. i'm weird that way.

but today i'm humming :)

not so random thoughts

sometimes i want to move out & find a place of my own.

there are also times when i want nothing more than to sleep beside my mom at night.

sometimes i feel like getting married already, because then things would be so much easier. so much more practical. my boyfriend won't have to drive me home everyday.

but when i think of marriage, i ask myself - is this it?

sometimes i'm a bad person. i want things & think of things that would only complicate my simple life. you probably have bigger problems. everyone has bigger problems.

and then what?

insanity

it's summer once again and stars have become quite rare these days, or shall i say nights. which is why i long for boracay, bantayan or any other whitewashed island at this time of year, when stars dot the sky & sparkle like the ocean's bioluminescence. did you know that a star-filled sky is as potent as 6 glasses of mojitos? for me anyway. call me crazy but a blanket of stars & the sand on my back get me so...high. i've been asked "are you drunk?" on several occasions, judging from my seemingly puzzling euphoric behavior. i guess you need a bit of craziness in you to understand.

lately however, the moon is taking centerstage. last night it was huge. like a slice of lemon, the moon hung perfectly still, pale yellow against the midnight sky. it was so big it looked like i could reach out & grab it. they say all the crazy people run wild when the full moon's out. just like werewolves.

shifting gears

fresh strawberry shakes. suddenly a trip to manila ain't such a bad thing after all :)

i've been swamped with work the last couple of weeks. going out hair still damp from shower, is a pretty good sign that life has once again shifted to high gear. gone are the lazzzy mornings & afternoon dates with mario batali. no more hair-drying-inspired epiphanies, hence the unfashionably damp hairstyle. it's summer after all & orders for the beachbaby are piling up. though it may sound like i'm complaining, i'm actually not :)

but tonight, my running & lack of proper hair grooming have paid off. as soon as i got home, i sat down and watched tv with the rest while randomly poring over the day's paper. to my surprise, PDI featured my baby! a couple of photos & some nice words on my cropped pants, tie bottom capris & lounge pants came out in full color. as if on cue, text messages came one after the other, from clients who've become friends, congratulating me on this small but very important milestone. in my head, i'm dancing.

this definitely calls for another glass of ice cold strawberry shake :) salud!

return to innocence

summers were all the same before i turned twelve. twiglike, my sister & i we were sent to stay in the province a.k.a. the fat farm. a magical place where tablespoons of cod liver & poached eggs were forced into our young mouths each morning. year after year, my parents hoped for few more pounds while we slept, ate & played for a month. those experiments didn't yield the much hoped for results. our bodies weren't destined to be adorably chunky, the kind that strangers in the streets would attempt to pinch & fawn over. the fact that i came first was probably the reason why everyone in the family fussed over me.

but what a darling i was when i was 8 months old! i have this picture of myself being carried by my lola- queen of the fat farm. in her arms she held a milky ball of soft baby fat, with big round eyes framed by black curly hair. i know, that doesn't sound like me at all.

one of the photos that came after showed a skinny three-year old girl with a ridiculously big stomach bulging out of a red bikini. believe me when i say the image is too comical for words. but i was one confident kid. hands on my waist & a big gumamela in my hair, i struck a pose. with one flash, that moment was immortalized, forever etched in my family's minds and the generation that soon followed.

the next summer ladies & gentlemen, my parents bought me a yellow one-piece bathing suit.

i was too young to understand the implications of that noble action.

oh to be a kid again.

sleepwalker

the hardest person to give advice to is yourself.

i've recently told a friend in doubt to be true to herself. to go out & fulfill her wants and needs without having to hide behind lies & half-hearted efforts. but i know how hard it is to leave.

when i find myself in a bowl of confusion, it's so much easier to dial-a-friend and bore him or her out of his or her wits. it's more difficult to sit it out on your own and face your own ugly thoughts.

how many of us stay in this pattern? how many of us leave? and how many of us realize how aimless we all have been? we live, work, play, go on grand adventures and wake up one day to realize we've all been sleepwalking.

it's never easy.

the pod of small things

i am having an affair. i've fallen in love with my i-pod mini.

reasons why:

1. it keeps me company when everyone that matters is already asleep
2. for being agreeable & fuss-free (please stay that way).
3. puts me to sleep in the most romantic way possible (if i can't have sting sing 'someone to watch over me' night after night, i'll settle for my i-pod)

tiny & metallic blue, it is warm against my hip. if only all my relationships are as convenient, then i will be covered with warm fuzzy spots all over.

i am no techie.

i'm just a sentimental fool.

nuggets

ton is one of my best friends. sometimes he can be a bit weird, out of this world even and he likes to hear people say that about him. he's moody & quiet at times. also funny, sweet & mysteriously endearing.

meet nuggets - his teddy bear. a gift i gave him towards the end of freshman year in college. since we were studying in different cities, i wanted to give him someone who can keep him company, day and night. someone who can listen to his weird ramblings without leaving, someone he can take to the beach when i'm not around & just someone who'll accept his hugs unconditionally.

this is for you
do you realize that we've been friends for ten years? we've wondered and pondered about life's bullshits & mysteries, seen each other battle one angst after another and stared at the stars countless times. always, we run to each other in times of need to find comfort in silence only we can give. in the beginning, friends wondered and were even wary of this strange friendship. after all, it was hard for people to understand what they didn't have. i am always good at explaing things but since this has never bothered me, i never did. i find little need to explain matters that i hold dearly.

life after college was a different story. work happened, boyfriend & girlfriend came. at the back of my mind i knew i was being a lousy friend. gone were the nightly talks, star gazing, you visiting me at home & the quiet times we used to share. calls were replaced with emails and random text messages. visits came down to one-hour coffee talks whenever i felt the need to get away from my world. with a tremendous work schedule and a new relationship at hand, i felt my growing absence in our friendship was justified. until the day you left for san francisco.

so now i feel like a school girl once again, missing my best friend who's far away. i wonder about nuggets, if he still lives in your room, if he's balding, if he's sad as i am, missing his weird master who's out to conquer the world.

so after months & years of half-baked conversations, you don't know how happy i was talking to you this afternoon. we teased, laughed, annoyed & reviewed each other's lives that for a moment, our troubles didn't seem that bad. yes, we did make up for lost time :) for this i'm glad.

i hope you won't fade into the background like you always do when things get hectic. as we grow older, things move faster, situations get tougher, but the world will not stop for us. life isn't as sweet & simple as it was in college, but that shouldn't hinder us from each other. when conversations & actual times spent together become rare, that only makes what we have more special.

i miss stargazing with you the most. there is no one near right now who would willingly suffer neck pains for a few wonderful moments staring at the night sky. now, i do realize we won't be looking at the same constellations. but as long as we're looking at them like we used to, then everything's alright between us :)

what i love

the beach.

blue cloudless skies.

starlit nights.

photographs.

saltwater on my skin.

fresh strawberries.

mustard.

nigella lawson.

sarah mclachlan's songs.

sting's voice,

and seal's.

gelato.

cooking pasta.

la dolce vita.

rum.

rum with pineapple.

rum with iced tea.

tequila rose.

the vast www.

long drives.

reminiscing.

pink sunsets.

the smell of rain.

sleeping in.

great movies.

johnny depp.

my precious books.

irreplaceable friends.

wonderful family.

my sad, happy, weird & heartwarming collection of memories.

i'm feeling melancholic. so i shall say, i love you all :)

blast from the past

i remembered...scribbled on a couple of white cube notes, tucked between yellowed sheets of a favorite book...i found and read it again after all these years. to what caused this sudden reminiscence, i cannot say.

then and now
i catch myself alone in your gaze
not knowing
how or why
your words haunt me still
like a slow flame
blue & brilliantly sad

so cold
like the night
you do not bare yourself to anyone
yet how i feel you inside me
like water
and fire

i do not know what to say

you are so distant
your eyes
lost among old feelings and words -

how can we forget?
my heart cannot understand you still
the years haven't uncovered anything
more than dried roses
and crumpled letters

i wonder if you love me
but the stars hide you
and the evening goes on
remembering.

for how long can you wait
if you start forgetting
that i'm here or there

always leaving before losing twilight
i find myself alone again.

the scariest thing about the past is that it's part of us. no matter where we go, how much of it we forgot, we carry it with us always.

like home-cooked dinner, good or bad, there will always be leftovers.

today

....is the first day of a new year. once again i open my journal & read through my entries. january 2001...january 2002...january 2003...okay. so it ends right there. for some forgettable reason, january 2004 is MISSING.

it has been a personal tradition on the first day of each year to read past entries in my orange & blue floral journal (please do not question my taste on this one - this notebook had been a gift). why i didn't jot anything down last year, i really don't remember.

one thing that i do know is this - 2004 was one big rollercoaster ride.

after a painfully slow quarter-life crisis that lasted for two years (gasp!), i plucked enough courage and insanity to leave my comfort zone. i woke up from a strange slumber where i dreamt of getting married at the age of 25. i shook my head with the realization that with all the life changes that i've gone through, so much of me is still the same. to travel and to live freely. it's what i've always wanted.

last year, i got to do just that. i left home and everything else in it for an exploratory trip that lasted for a month. i re-discovered my dreams and realized how much i needed to spend time with myself and experience things on my own. incidents proved once again that i am a complicated person. thus the complicated threads i've managed to weave into my life.

it was indeed a difficult year, but an exciting one just the same. with all the heartaches and goodbyes, life goes on.

as i read through my journals once again, i can only smile at the scared woman i was at that time. my battles are not over, but i'm proud of myself for having gone a long way. i have finally taken the first step in changing my life.

i still get scared at times, but i try my best to push these thoughts away. i must not give up on my dreams, no matter how silly or reckless they may seem to other people. i know that now.

blue christmas by abbytrysagain

so today, i can only hope for a better and brighter year ahead. one filled with more happy discoveries, new places to conquer and ultimately - la dolce vita. to live the bohemian life i've always dreamed about.

p.s.
i've managed to slave my way through - it's almost 5 in the morning after all. this should more than make up for last year's missing entry. happy new year everyone :)