postcards from bali ::: surf's up!

~ scenes from kuta, legian & seminyak ~

After over a week of paddling, wave catching & playing in the water, I am totally surfed out! Not to mention bruised, sore, bronzed & extremely happy :) There's no stoke like paddling out on a clear sunny day, sliding down some glassy waves, wiping out on fierce ones, waiting on your board in between sets & taking off on long sweet rides.

Until recently, I have never really surfed solo. I had been afraid, in need & want of someone to paddle out with me. The first time I went on my own was wildly nerve wracking & exhilarating. It was a complete act of trusting myself & trusting nature. Each time I go out there is an act of complete letting go. After all how can you truly play with fear & control in your heart? You simply can't.

The cool thing is, you're never really alone. It doesn't matter where you're from or what board you're on, the lineup is teeming with like-hearted people filled with the same desire to play. There's always someone to share the stoke with. :)

One of my favorites from this week was letting a huge wave go, watching as it closed out from behind... and as the sea spray caught the afternoon light, a full rainbow stretched across the water. It was only for a few magical moments but my smile stayed on long after that.

Peace, love & good vibes. ♥

postcards from bali

- scenes from Ubud -

Bali is home to me in so many ways. Whether it's sleeping & waking up to the sound of waterfalls and the sight of lush jungles in the middle of the island; walking along rice fields while the sun & cool breeze play with your skin; enjoying flavorful spices & aromas from one meal to the next; or breezing through the temple-laden streets on a motorbike, what makes Bali so different are things which are already so familiar. Welcoming me like a dear old friend.

No matter how many travelers pass through Ubud (some staying to become part-time residents), there's always something untouched about the place. It's a place where I can retreat into myself without having to cut my ties to the world. It's where you can move amongst it's gentle people and get to know them without getting in their way. It's where a yoga teacher is blissfully content to be a student, taking classes every single day, gorging on sumptuous delicacies and after, a book & a bed to come home to.

wanderlust

MOVE from Rick Mereki on Vimeo.

Tell me, what it is that you plan to do with your one wild & precious life? :)

(Mary Oliver)

tout est grâce

No matter how upside-down it all temporarily appear, we will have no fear because we know this secret: Life is crazily in love with us - wildly and innocently in love with us. The universe always gives us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it." -- Rob Brezney

One of my dearest friends from college reminded me of this beautiful quote by St. Therese of Lisieux, "All is Grace". Imagine thinking & seeing everything in this light. How that changes not only our perspective, but our attitude towards the very things that would normally make our heads explode. So now instead of getting angry or busting out of my seams when something undesirable goes my way, I think to myself I'm being shown something here. It could be something that I needed to learn or realize. Heck, it could simply be showing me a personal breakthrough that hey, I can do patient too!

Until very recently, I've repeated a certain line to myself almost like a mantra that true enough, reinforced itself on me all the more. That I don't do well with uncertainty. That not knowing kills me. Which of course is a blatant lie. I've had my share of uncertainties & crossroads, dilemmas & left in the dark moments, but not one has managed to knock the life out of me. Apparently here I am, still standing after a thousand. Or maybe even more.

So truth is, I do well with uncertainty! But it was easier to bitch, claw someone's eyes out or make someone else responsible while I was at it. But I'm done abusing myself & others that way. I can't know everything & I certainly don't need to. When has it really made me happy anyway, struggling to get the answers? We all have questions, we can either spend our life asking or we can spend it living. So many things in my life are uncertain right now... so what? Big freaking deal. I'm still going to make the most out of it & I'm going to have fun. The most important thing I already know ~ today Love is truly infinite & abundant in my life. I look around me, past all these uncertainties and I see... there is much to be grateful for.

When we cease to believe that we're victims & instead co-creators of our fate then we see that Life is crazily in love with us. It's time to give some love back.

what this woman wants

is to go surfing.

Dear God, please let me play!

intentio

The funny thing about fairy tales, is that we forget about them so fast
And we grow up, we buy things, we build up fences
We sell our innocence and forget our dreams
We forget who we are in order to be something we're not
And we'll keep believing in this so called truths, until we forget how to live
Or until we open our eyes, and wake up.
(Loic Wirth)

Intentio - Trailer from Loïc Wirth on Vimeo.

matters of the heart

It hurts sometimes when you're healing. It's the sensation of your heart growing bigger. It's the feel of your old scar tissue breaking up and stretching. It's the tight and fearful knots of emotion opening up and learning to relax. Those old hurts were actually shrinking your heart... with tension, the way tightness in the back can curve and distort the spine.

I know it hurts, but you can learn to experience these feelings as intense sensation and simply surrender yourself; trusting that a new and better you will soon emerge. Fear and resistance will increase the pain. Love and acceptance will ease it.

You'll be opening up more room in your life for love.

- Dorothy Mendoza Row

the laws of nature

it's amazing what you wish for. even more amazing when you get it. today the sun shone, the blue skies came, the icicles around my heartstrings melted and just like that, it is summer once again.

i read somewhere that we don't only need to follow our dreams, we also need to have the faith that our dreams are moving towards us. the universe has a beautiful way of responding the minute we begin to crack our hearts open. the moment we begin to recognize the truth in our lives, surrendering to nature is a choice that we can no longer ignore. like stepping into summer's golden light.

it is now night. the sky is filled with stars and they stare at me, all at once warm, distant & unfamiliar. there's a mix of sadness and excitement breathing in the wildest corners of my soul. a dream begins to come alive, a bright new constellation unfolding in my universe.

waiting for summer

Often nature makes difficult things very clear. What feels like confusion is frequently our human refusal to see things for what they are. - Mark Nepo

(image from weheartit)

There are instances when I want time to stand still. Like moments when you're sleeping peacefully, crouched on your side of the bed like a child. Or when your hand weaves around mine perfectly, the way babies snuggle up to their mothers' breasts. I wish I can freeze time indefinitely so that today can extend over many tomorrows and neither one of us have to leave. Then in these moments my heart can rest from its sadness because grief has made its walls grow thin. But even as I write days are moving one after the other and I'm blown across space. Stumbling silently like a tumbleweed, weightless against the wind.

Can you feel it? The light approaching earlier, it feels like the beginning of summer. But the wind's still cold, the evening skies dark with clouds. I know this place, I've been here before. Where I thought I can go back and recapture what time could not. But exactly 1 year after I find myself in the same spot. Where truth is reflected between us, glaring against this starless night.

How can we not see things for what they are? There is no going back. And time will never stand still for any of us.

So the world continues to spin, faster on most days, but slow on nights like this. I wait for the clouds to dissipate, for the stars to come through. For summer's endless blue skies to appear, like a long lost dream.

my heart wanders

What would happen if one day you decided to follow your heart?

In the book My Heart Wanders Pia Jane Bijkerk shows us all the places where her wandering heart took her. Upon leaving a comfortable home in Sydney, she sets herself up in Paris then later finds a home in a houseboat in Amsterdam. Filled with beautiful images of her travels, this book is an inspirational memoir that awakens that voice inside of us. I can't wait to have my own copy, pick it up & hold it close to my heart!

Hers is a story that mirrors those whose spirits are filled with wanderlust. Exactly where would it take us, the very minute we follow that voice within that tells us to leave the comforts of our home, to take a risk & live the life of our dreams?

A dear friend shared something really beautiful last night. There are no wrong turns. What an amazing way to see things, to take responsibility for our own actions & trust that grace is indeed with us every step of the way. My heart has led me here, to a magical life on an island filled with skies that awaken the soul, surrounded by an ocean of free spirits who live their lives with truth & passion. And yet my heart continues to speak, of other islands where waves call out to play & far away lands where words are spoken differently. It's like opening a door to your heart & finding other doors that lead to other places.

But it's not always easy, noh? It's painful when you realize that some journeys are meant to be traveled alone... when we have to leave things, places & people behind because otherwise we betray our own soul. It's rarely ever easy especially when we struggle to hold on & find ways to maybe, just maybe we can move on without letting go. This is why stories like Pia's inspire us greatly, why stories of so many other courageous & beautiful beings out there resonate deeply in our hearts. This where the truth lies... and following it is the only way we can ever be free.

There is a need inside of us that far outweigh the outcome. How can we ever rest & be true to ourselves if we don't listen?

breaking surface

(image from weheartit)

Let no one keep you from your journey,
no rabbi or priest, no mother
who wants you to dig for treasures
she misplaced, no father
who won't let one life be enough,
no lover who measures their worth
by what you might give up,
no voice that tells you in the night
it can't be done.

Let nothing dissuade you
from seeing what you see
or feeling the winds that make you
want to dance alone
or go where no one
has yet to go.

You are the only explorer.
Your heart, the unreadable compass.
Your soul, the shore of a promise
too great to be ignored.

(words by mark nepo)

path of the heart

When you open fully to your experience you discover how wonderful it is to be alive; sometimes funny, sometimes tragic, sometimes ordinary, sometimes sublime. You learn not to shut down when feelings become bothersome; to stay awake even when it’s unpleasant. This is the path of the heart: to develop tenderness toward yourself by opening to the wonders and complexities of your self, which allows you to open to the wonders and complexity of the world. - Dr. Gail Parker


i have been asking my self these days the big Why's (why can't it work this way, why can't it be...) and i realize that i really should stop questioning and start trusting. each time i question my own decisions, i plant a seed of doubt that makes me forget the reasons that have brought me here. it's so easy to give in to sadness especially if it's something that we've grown so used to in life. but when we've taken on a path of seeking & healing, we can no longer ignore our heart's desire to be happy.

one half of me has already started Exploring ~ moving forward with the intent of fully living out dreams which have been shelved for far too long. yet the other half of my self is still bleeding from the cut that it took to break away from the very things which have kept me bound. this must be what it means to be fully present, when we can sit with happy & sad and embrace both equally. when we can allow the sadness to pass through, as gracefully as we possibly can without fighting it. when we can remember joy or the hope of it, even in the darkest moments.

such is the path of the heart. to love both light & dark with gratitude & compassion.

what keeps me from shrinking back is the belief that there's no loss when love is truly present. it's a matter of expanding how we think love should be. love can't be limited to promises & relationships... to anniversaries & traditions. love is bigger than any of these. it's only when we begin to understand the hugeness of love that sadness no longer becomes threatening. like a dust of rain cloud in a vast blue sky.

giving and receiving

I need the sea because it teaches me. - Pablo Neruda


I'm a yoga teacher. I help students on the mat. I show how we can all create our own habits of strength and how we can open in all the tight places. I teach students how to align the body. Most of all, I show students ways to align the actions with the heart's intentions.

I'm a teacher therefore people look to me for help, support, advice and inspiration on and off the mat. I share what I've learned, how I've healed and how I continue to bring myself to a better place. I give. Because that's a teacher's calling. I serve and I give. I have been taught beautifully that a true teacher must have the intention to help each & everyone in the room. I give my energy to every class that I teach, to every student, friend, family who come to me way after the class has ended. I open my heart and I give.

But I'm also a student. I too am learning to align myself in ways that can only be good for me. It's a constant practice to continue aligning my actions with my heart's truth. I'm a student working on balancing strength & openness, effort & surrender. I'm a student and I too need to receive.

My ability to give suffers when I forget to keep the flow of energy going. I can't be a teacher if I forget that I'm also a student. Which is why even givers need to take a step back sometimes, if only to breathe. I've gone through enough to know what's good for me & what's not. I can no longer allow doubt, fear, uncertainty bring me down even if it means taking a step back from people that I love. Because I know I can give better and love more when I surround myself with positive life-affirming energy. The kind of energy that uplifts.

And so today, this is my practice. Today I'm taking a step back to find my breath. To find the balance between giving and receiving. To swim in a sea of unconditional love that I may continue to keep the flow of abundance present in my life. The heart knows no doubt, no limitations, no fear. Once again I'm reminded of my path, to love it and trust it completely with all my heart.

LOVE is big.

where do i begin.

these past few days & weeks have been filled with so much.... love, friendship, support, endings, new beginnings, the promise of adventures, good vibes, deep connections & most of all freedom. sweet exhilarating freedom. i look back at my own past & i see how things do happen for a reason. i see how things are falling into place because i'm finally trusting life.

for a long time i've held on to so many things out of fear of losing control. i've silenced my own voice & crushed my own heart. now i realize how life unfolds perfectly when we surrender to its flow. all the baby steps i've taken to approach my edge, all the times i've cowered & ran back to my safe zone, all those were not in vain. i learned my own way. with all the pain, heartaches & tears it took, the process of becoming is beautiful. i see that now.

we can heal ourselves and we can change our life. we can stop feeling sad the moment we choose to be happy. we have to trust our heart & take risks. when we do things out of love, how can we go wrong? love is amazingly big. bigger than our imaginations combined. and we cannot control it, we can only learn & enjoy it.

i don't know what tomorrow brings and that's the magic of it. my heart is the boss of me now... i will let it lead me every step of the way. with my mind, arms & heart open, i'm stepping into the flow of grace with trust that life is unraveling beautifully.

Your heart & my heart, are very, very old friends. ♥ (Hafiz)

image from weheartit

The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.

Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere,
they’re in each other all along.

(Rumi)

wanderlust wednesdays: India

contrary to popular belief, they are generous with their smiles in India.
this one right here brings me back to this amazing country each time.

the joy of a kula

one of the things i love most in my yoga practice is the kula - a community of open-hearted and creative individuals who embrace Anusara's life-affirming philosophy of intrinsic goodness. Anusara describes the kula as a tightly-knit community of yoga practitioners that enjoys the closeness of a family and the fluidity of a merry band of bohemian artists: highly trained, joyful & serious about fun. it is inclusive, where everyone is welcomed & honored for their uniqueness.

no matter where i am in the world this connection with my kula is deeply felt. there are no Anusara teachers or yogis in the country where i live, save for a few students who have started to embrace the practice. yet from all over the world, i receive a daily dose of love from such amazing beings. the support is mind blowing. constant. sending me messages of love & light in the most joyful or helpless moments. reminding me that i am never alone even when i find myself in a dark place. the kula is a ceaseless source of encouragement, affirmation and inspiration. most of all it's a living source of celebration and joy. and i'm so grateful to be part of it.

looking at the bigger picture, i can see the message that Anusara imparts through its practice. we are all connected, through our sameness, our differences, one way or another. that we are really of one essence, that of goodness. may all of us discover this light within. may we learn to feed it with the fire of our practice. and may all of us continue to shine this light out, to connect with our true selves the way we connect with others. and may we remember to celebrate the beauty of who we are.

and when we forget, then there is yoga. :)

wanderlust wednesdays: i dream of japan

i started wanderlust wednesdays last year as a way of revisiting the places where my wanderlust has taken me. this year i had the idea of posting photographs of places where my wanderlust wants to take me. while i have been to japan in the sakura-filled spring of 2009, i long to go back and visit this lovely country once again. these are photographs of a quaint little japanese restaurant tucked in a quiet corner of my island. where i, as i was dreaming of japan, enjoyed a nice tasty bowl of tempura donburi.

trusting grace

Because of a great love, one is courageous. - Lao Tzu



i used to question everything and trust nothing. i used to be a person filled with so much doubt & distrust. coming from a place of fear, it was hard to see things any other way. there was always the threat of being scared, of not being enough and not having enough. but i'm grateful for this fear. it has led me to dark places where i only longed to be free. it's brought sadness into my life where i learned how to heal. it's brought me to my mat and to realize that this is the place where i want to serve from.

when we begin to look inside ourselves, the first things we usually see are the gunk - all the ugly habits & stories we've acquired through the years that have made us feel bound & limited. yoga has taught me to release each one at my own pace. Anusara has taught me to do so with grace. it's shown me how i can create change and heal. this process of transformation has become such a gift in my life. it's brought me to finally understand why the things that have happened in the past happened the way they did. everything truly has a purpose.

some people are braver, they go after what they want right away - well good for them. i had to learn the hard way and in no way do i resent this. i had to know fear, look at it straight in the eye before i learned about love. the more afraid i got, the desire to overcome it grew deeper. i learned to love and look after myself first no matter what fear has told me. i spent so many years trying to put others before me, trying to make them happy & just trying really hard. it is only when i learned to just let go of the distrust when trust happened. to finally be able to surrender that deluded sense of control and trust grace is one of the very best things that's happened to me.

love transformed me and it continues to do so. love has made me trust life, to trust that things do work out... everything in its own time. love kept me grateful even in my darkest hours. somehow love seems more apparent, more expansive when all the limitations of a relationship has fallen away. a year ago i wrote how loving someone so deeply & being loved greatly in return have given me courage to trust my path and the strength to walk it. i am so deeply grateful for this great love. it continues to break the boundaries we've set for ourselves and lead us to explore a different possibility that's out there waiting for us.

change is inevitable, no matter how painful or sad it gets. when you start putting yourself first & aiming for the highest, you can no longer deny your suffering. so you have to let go. but there is no loss here, only love. and one day, happy endings.

finding my word

Nature does not hurry. Yet everything is accomplished. - Lao Tzu



my word came to me as i knew it would. Explore. one beautiful powerful seed that contains a universe of possibilities.

explore my dreams. explore new continents. explore a new life.

it's such a brave risk-taking word & i'm gathering all my courage to start living it. after all explore means leaving something behind. it means letting go.

i have let go of certain things in the past that have come back in my life. i ask myself is it fate working? or is it my refusal to completely release myself from the things that are holding me back? i ask because i find myself facing similar patterns and i wanna change that. i look back to the year that has passed & realize that when i set the intention to open myself to new possibilities, i was only really looking at specific outcomes. and so when that didn't pan out, i found myself going back to the place i had just left behind. it's kinda like getting your feet wet in the water & running back to shore when the water got too cold.

so this year i resolve to be a little less drastic, to allow myself to stay in the water & observe whatever arises. to explore this distrust & in doing so, find the root of it and completely let it go. like my dear friend & fellow wanderer said - embrace this uncertainty because it's a great reminder of your intention. embracing uncertainty doesn't mean stewing in it or settling, but really sitting with it face to face & getting to the bottom of things.

once again i'm reminded to trust grace completely. because the most important things in life shouldn't take too much effort to make it work. as my yoga practice is teaching me, it has to be a beautiful balance between effort & surrender. and like a voice guiding me in the dark, i trust that my word will take me here, to a place of balance & greater heights. most of all, to a place of trust.