good and bad

i'm pissed.

which is actually a good thing, considering just hours ago i was mad as hell. as much as i am aware of the insolence of people's weaknesses, i also believe in fate. that everything has a reason. right now, i just don't care what that is.

i had a wonderful weekend though. a long weekend celebrating my boyfriend's 30th birthday. with his brother & cousin who flew all the way from starbucks (believe me, they actually live there) we spent a quiet afternoon in one of my favorite hideaways - chema's by the sea. a tiny beach resort with lush gardens, lovely cabanas and a saltwater infinity pool all coated in silence. who would have thought that this place was just five minutes by boat from the city?



it doesn't end there. the next day, we were up at 6:00 am to take a another boat ride to a precious cove situated two hours away from the mad city crowd. instead of fine sands, the beach is made up of pebbles, white & peach, in all molds and sizes. the place is also a marine sanctuary, the abundance of corals and tropical fish is indeed an underwater sight to behold. being on that island is like being in the middle of nowhere. on one end, there are rock formations and two thatched huts for the occasional visitors. while on the other stands a nipa duplex where the caretaker and his family live.


manong caretaker - photo taken by martin (my boyfriend's brother

it's not the easiest place to get to, but it's definitely one of the best places to be in. once in a while we bring a kayak and spend the afternoon exploring the cove. mostly it's just floating on our backs until it's time to pack up.

how we live in stressful times. on some days though, life is a beach.

trenta años

my boyfriend is turning 30 tomorrow :)

like a debutante, he's been planning the big event for weeks. even when his birthday was still months away, i'd catch him saying to no one in particular "trenta na ako". like he was trying to fit it on for size. to which i would always reply teasingly "i'm going to have a 30 year old boyfriend!". he'd laugh and shake his head.

i remember being surrounded by the older people when we were kids. on family reunions, we listened to grown-up conversations about work, who the good teachers were and neighbours who've just moved in. we stared in curiousity as one of our uncles takes a swig, shiny brown bottle in his hand while our aunt brings in a fresh plate of pulutan. we looked up to them and thought, this is how it's going to be when we get older.

thirty after all is considered to be a man's ripe age for marriage. thirty meant having a one-year old child in a stroller and driving a three-year old toddler to playschool. yet as i look at my boyfriend of almost five years, i realize he's just an overgrown kid. even with a beer in hand, he doesn't look anything like my uncles. it's not just him. i look at myself, our friends and we don't look like the older people stored in my memories. or do we?

maybe in this age, we've come to realize the importance of youth. instead of marrying young, we've decided to explore paths which were left untrodden by our parents. we do not tie the knot with our high school sweethearts (although once in a while a lucky couple beat the odds). we journey far and wide, in hopes of achieving bigger dreams. we put marriage on hold but not romance - never romance. at least that's how i feel.

in spite of our relentless pursuit of personal goals, we embrace romance like our parents and grandparents did. for now, age limits have changed, but there are things that remain the same.

for now, i'm going to have a thirty-year old boyfriend. if this thought occured to a much much younger version of myself, the poor kid would probably suffer a nervous breakdown. now, i can only laugh and shake my head.

confessions of a butterfly

photo by malina sternberg

with the birth of girlpower and magazines depicting today's strong women, it's no small wonder if you've come across stories of fearless individuals who've moved out of their comfort zones and taken the giant leap to transformation. ordinary females who braved the change of careers in order to change their lives. at 27 years old (barely a woman) i become one of them.

i was a successful public relations executive in my hometown's leading international hotel. for over five years, i gained the respect of colleagues and recognition in the industry. a few envied the status i've achieved at a young age while my family took pride. a bright career path was laid out before me. so it was a big surprise when i quit my job, packed my bags and headed to australia. not the most practical decision since no new job was in store, no relatives were there to take me around. just a thirteen year old promise to an aussie-pinoy friend and the unexplainable urge to go fueled by wanderlust.

everyone who knows me well enough is no stranger to my incessant travel bug. annual vacations were spent on islands surrounded by the pacific ocean. spur of the moment decisions were made to travel to strange lands. i come back poorer and happier each time, with a bunch of photographs that were much more anticipated than my arrival. for a long while i justified keeping my dayjob in order to support traveling, until my office and eventually the world had become very small. i have traveled to new destinations and in doing so, arrived to a better understanding of myself and what i truly want. after months of mapping out the near future and tons of indecisive moments, i finally did it. i took the first step in changing my life.

how often do we really listen to our passions and go after our dreams - a romantic notion and a frightening reality altogether. i realize that inspite of all the skills i've acquired and the knowledge i've embraced these past few years, i am still the child who loves to take evening walks and can gaze up the stars for hours, trying to figure out the constellations. i'm the girl who grew up, still loving the ocean and dreaming of circling the globe. i must admit i own too many dreams for one lifetime. trust me, becoming a writer-travel photographer-marine biologist-hollywood ingenue-chef-guitarist-and fashion designer may be a few steps shy from impossible. the point is, there are so many things to do and love in this world. with each journey that i take, i rediscover myself and my passions. with each journey, horizons are stretched and beliefs are challenged. i grow with a better grasp of human nature and more importantly, an appreciation of being on my own - and being happy with the only constant company i keep.

now you may think I've done it!... in a way, maybe i have. i've gathered the right amount of craziness and courage to follow my dreams, reckless as they may seem. but my story doesn't deserve a page in some glossy magazine (not even a paragraph!). not yet anyway. i still haven't achieved what i've set out for. i'm back home from a month-long sojourn in a foreign land and the balloons that brought me high up in the skies are popping one by one, bringing me down slowly to reality. some days doubt sets in, uncertain if my will is stronger than fate. there are days when i can't wait to jump on the next plane and spend the last of my savings for yet another string of exciting discoveries. but not once have i looked back with regret for leaving that old life behind.

if there is one thing that i am sure of, it's this - this yearning inside can only be pacified by distant shores, of adventures waiting to be told and the freedom to be whoever i want to be in a place of my choosing. yes i'm fresh out of the cocoon, still struggling through life's somewhat unreasonable obstacles, fluttering in mid air. in my heart i know i will get there, wherever it may be.

and when that time comes, i'll let you know. if only to inspire and wake another free spirit to spread her wings and take flight.

excerpt from an old journal

green reverie from sensing owls

I have forgotten. I’ve placed the past in a box, tucked between my favorite books. I have forgotten how much it hurts to be reminded of this past. It hurts to write this down and start all over. But it’s something that I have to do, before the hurting gets worse and before I start forgetting again.

I lost myself once to a man I loved deeply, someone who loved me back. For some unfathomable reason I knew it would be him, right from the beginning. In him I had found the other half of my soul, not even knowing till then that I was missing it. I discovered love that took me to great, astonishing heights. An obsession that pulsed like drums and transcended the physical it often hurt. And I accepted him with open arms. He became my passion.

We were both fearless, trudging along in new territories. Deep inside we were afraid. We loved each other extremely that it was too easy for us to hurt one another. Time and again I would check who’s loving who more. It drove me mad until the relationship could no longer take my irrational behavior.

My heart was shattered that night he decided to end it. I didn’t even say goodbye refusing to believe that he had really left me. It turned out I didn’t have that luxury. He just left. Yet no matter how painful & unbearable it was, I was forced to understand & accept what was no longer in my hands. As time watched me pick up the pieces, it was long before my heart was mended. I had changed. I was no longer afraid, no longer weak to my insecurities. I did lose myself, but eventually my soul became whole and stronger with the certainty that inspite of his abandonment, I still loved him. With this sadness I held him close, kept him beside me each night with our silent conversations. Imaginary talks that didn’t seem too imaginary at all, and these held my sanity intact. For I recognized I was skirting the edge of an emotional cliff. Without him I knew I would fall and lose myself all over again.

Two years later we would meet and fate would once again give us a chance. How could it not? I just knew that he’d come back. It is just this sort of knowing that inexplicably stems out from the passion we shared. An impossible belief in things that words cannot express.

No steps were missed this time, no beats skipped. My heart was intact and it was ready. I thought that after two years of grounding, I would be well equipped for anything and willing to accept once again what he had to give me. But I was wrong. He didn’t want my (his) soul back. He wanted an easy detached relationship – no commitment, no nightly contacts and just a few calculated I love yous. We were, after all, miles apart. Two years had given us lives of our own. Still I knew that we would never have a life without each other. It was a trap that destiny wittingly bestowed upon us.

So I consented. I embraced him and his fashionable approach to our newfound relationship. It came with Rules, which I foolishly trusted, thinking that this was the Formula that would work. I believed I could not, should not ask for more. I saw myself as the recipient of the gift, not realizing that I too had gifts to give. That I owe it to myself to ask for the things I really want.

Then one day someone asked for my name, then for a date. So I said to myself, do this - You’re not breaking the Rules, in fact, you’re going by them. Days turned into nights, nights turned into weeks. Deep inside I was waiting for him to flash the red light, junk the formula aside and give our love another chance. Love with all the pain, hurt and tears. As I’ve said, I was ready. But sadly, he was not.

So I found myself with someone who held my hand even when it wasn’t ready for him - he who opened the window and let the sunlight in. Like a starving plant, I found myself being drawn closer yet my mind refused to believe it could happen. I wanted my soul-giver, but he remained distant. Little by little, I found myself smiling and laughing for much different reasons. I was running and dancing and bathing in sunshine, and I could no longer argue with my heart. My heart, broken and unbroken, was without a doubt ready – not just to love but also to be happy.

To this day, saying goodbye to the passion is still the most painful decision I have ever made. It is also one that I do not regret. I have come into terms of my acceptance of our destinies. We are one, yet we are two separate beings. Our strengths and weaknesses have chosen this path. Through all this, our love and pain will remain beautiful.

I can never give my half soul back. I can no longer distinguish where it ends & begins. It is mine to keep I realize that now. I may never get over the pain of having to let a person like that go, just like you can’t stop laughing over a good joke that has been said and heard many times. But I can stop remembering.

I realize I cannot keep the past in a box. It will not hide forever in dusty corners. It will stay here, with me.

In my arms I now cradle my Giant unexpected gift, my life’s sunbeam. Because of him I’ve learned to stop counting the times I say I love you and stop keeping tabs on who said sorry first. I’ve learned to appreciate what loving someone can do, without rules and restrictions. I’ve learned that if you are fortunate enough to be loved by one selfless man, wounds will eventually heal.

Finally I am whole, and happy.

sydney on my mind

sydney opera house


" will you write about sydney? " asked the guy who sat beside me on my usual train ride to the city. he was a student, on his way to an accounting exam. upon finding out i was taking this short course on travel writing & photography, the question was posed. with a sure smile, i said "definitely". that was almost two months ago and i haven't finished my travelogue. so here i am, in between bites of sour-cream cheesecake, trying to make good of a promise made to the aussie lad whose name i didn't catch.

City lights shine like stars as the plane flies over the continent. After seemingly endless goodbyes and too many sleepless hours, I find myself looking down on Australia. My tear-stained face gives way to a smile. The brisk winter wind is fresh on my face as I step outside the airport. With trusty backpack in hand, my grand adventure begins..........

ok, so i'm not done yet. i have 3.5 pages of blurb almost all of which are indecipherable. there's just too many good things to remember and write about. plus the fact that i'm so wanting to go back there - not a very good pastime i say. i should be busy making pajamas, not daydreaming about sydney.

a little something about the pajamas. Tiptoe - loungewear, sleepwear & beachwear (registered with dti, thank you very much) is once again joining the mad rush of christmas bazaars. this baby of mine is turning four years old next month! an occasion that demands a whole sour cream cheesecake (with candles of course). but anyway, that's another story...err, blog :)

horizons

"...watching kids watching the sunset"

the world is only as big as we make it to be.

in the midst of strangers, on a cold winter night, i found myself for a while. over the years, i've been blessed with similar moments - like floating in the middle of the pacific, watching kids watching the sunset, taking solitary walks along bohemian streets or chatting with a stranger on what could have been an ordinary train ride. traveling is a song, a symphony and i am continually searching for myself, dancing my way in this world.

my escape

a traveler and a better writer than myself wrote "An alternative, is perhaps what people are really looking for, even for just a while--something different, a change of perspective, a detour from the mainstream flow of things in order to get in touch with what is real once more"

this is why i travel. to escape from a life that family and friends see fit. to slip away from a society that tells you to have babies soon because your biological clock is tick-tocking louder and the neighbours are listening. where girlfriends greet you with looks of feigned concern when they say you should put on a few more pounds, patting your shoulders and nodding their heads sadly like they would if somebody's dog had died. perplexed why my physical state deserves an editorial, a smile is all i could offer to keep myself from screaming. why do they care how a person should look? i eat what i want & i'm damn happy to fit nicely in my bikini. i can't help but wonder, when did they start losing touch with things that really matter?

oh don't get me wrong. i love my home, stifling as it may be at times. but always inside me is a yearning that can only be pacified by the sound of the ocean, the indescribable feeling of being in a strange place, the sight of bright pink sunsets and night skies spattered with a thousand stars. i dream of waking in whitewashed stone cottages with windows overlooking the mediterranean. of living in an ancient city until my tongue is no longer a stranger to its language. carefree dreams and they keep me going, knowing that there are many bright wonderful things in this world waiting to be discovered.

journey

lifetime by ibevymay

you see me taking these little trips and you think to yourself "there she goes again, on another vacation". traveling is so much more than this. it's life's bigger lesson. it's opening our eyes and experiencing unfamiliar territories, appreciating and understanding different cultures. traveling is an opportunity to raise our consciousness.

i start journeys with plans but more often than not i follow my senses ~ a heavenly smell that leads to a corner bakeshop. the sound of music flowing from a saxophone in the middle of a busy street. or the sight of the ocean, stark naked on a tuesday afternoon.

travelling down a new path has started me on a journey to independence and ultimately self-discovery. it has taught me to wander off on my own and relish my privacy. i discover that being alone in a strange land, can be oddly liberating.

i've met many people, made a few good friends and always, on each occasion, learned a whole lot more about the world we live in. i come back a bit thinner, darker, poorer maybe, yet happier in ways that are truly immeasurable.

home is a wonderful place. but sooner than later, i will find myself elsewhere, in another strange place, wherever this wanderlust takes me.

wandering

right now, i don't know where i am.

i'm neither here nor there.

letter to a friend

hey,

it's so good to hear from you. you're such a sweetheart pretending to be concerned about me and all :)

well, sometimes i still feel lost. but there are so many instances that are just too good, you know? like one cloudless afternoon when i walked out the opera house after watching this divine play, i asked myself if this is it, the life that i want. if this is all worth leaving home and a so called career. and you know what, YES! it's all so worth it.

funny how i don't get homesick except maybe minutes before i fall to sleep. there's so much to discover i can hardly keep all the excitement in without bursting to pieces. i just keep thinking that hopefully one day, i can somehow share these things with my loved ones.

i may not find what i'm looking for here. then maybe i'll find it in europe! who knows?! we never really know where we're going, not until we get there. so don't worry too much.

there are times i think about the future, about settling down & how nice it must be. i don't think i'm really ready. not unless he's willing to go wherever this incredible wanderlust takes me.

i really really wish i can go there soon. then you can take me to tahoe, camping and yeah, shopping.

so is this white chick a one-off thing or are did you trick her into dating you? play safe cassanova.

take care yourself. and please, keep in touch.

hugs & one big kiss on the cheek,

postcards - bondi beach

it's so easy to lose track of time in bondi. eyeing the surfers and writing names on the sand...from a streetside café i can see the park and the ocean, just separated by the boardwalk. birds are everywhere as always, sydney doesn't seem to run out of these flying creatures. it's tempting to go for a swim, but it's freezing - a rare moment where i actually don't touch the water. of course a trip to bondi isn't complete without dropping by the faded beachside shops! gotta learn how to surf soon!

kisses,