this little heart of mine

The best chance to be whole is to love whatever gets in the way, until it ceases to be an obstacle. - Mark Nepo

Though days have turned into weeks and weeks into months, I'm still in awe, still admiring the puzzle pieces that fit. There is a calmness in things that is equally new and familiar. This is a place that I know well and yet it feels entirely different.

In the past, calm was never anything more than episodes that came in clear, delicate spasms. Yet these days it settles into the cracks of my being, holding the pieces together in a way that I've never held myself before.

I remember the void all too well. The one that drove me to go beyond the lines I've drawn for myself & everyone around me. Yet I trudged on far beyond what was reasonable because I could no longer succumb to fear. Not this time. No amount of judgment nor disdain from others could restrain me from doing what I had to do. Hearts were broken, yes. Including my own. There comes a point when we realize that there's a need inside all of us that far outweighs the consequences.

Going to the midst of this abstract mess was the best way to find the truth. Cuts and bruises were earned as waves dumped over me and washed me back to shore. But wounds heal and scars form to mark the battles that say I've survived. Then little by little, the pieces start to fit. Now I see that what I had to go through, what I made myself go through, was essential to understanding this new ground I stand on. This is a place that I know well and I know why it feels different.

Something happens when you start loving the beautiful and unsightly versions of yourself unconditionally. It alters you at your deepest. It fills you with an insurmountable passion to embrace whatever gets in the way at whatever cost. Because now you're in on an open secret, loving yourself is your best saving grace.

My unaccustomed heart rests in wonder, while the sweetness of things unfold around me. The sound of waves. The hum of city lights. Same same - but different. This little heart of mine has gone through so much, has flown across the skies a thousand times in its wild search. But now it's landed.