what this woman wants

is to go surfing.

Dear God, please let me play!

intentio

The funny thing about fairy tales, is that we forget about them so fast
And we grow up, we buy things, we build up fences
We sell our innocence and forget our dreams
We forget who we are in order to be something we're not
And we'll keep believing in this so called truths, until we forget how to live
Or until we open our eyes, and wake up.
(Loic Wirth)

Intentio - Trailer from Loïc Wirth on Vimeo.

matters of the heart

It hurts sometimes when you're healing. It's the sensation of your heart growing bigger. It's the feel of your old scar tissue breaking up and stretching. It's the tight and fearful knots of emotion opening up and learning to relax. Those old hurts were actually shrinking your heart... with tension, the way tightness in the back can curve and distort the spine.

I know it hurts, but you can learn to experience these feelings as intense sensation and simply surrender yourself; trusting that a new and better you will soon emerge. Fear and resistance will increase the pain. Love and acceptance will ease it.

You'll be opening up more room in your life for love.

- Dorothy Mendoza Row

the laws of nature

it's amazing what you wish for. even more amazing when you get it. today the sun shone, the blue skies came, the icicles around my heartstrings melted and just like that, it is summer once again.

i read somewhere that we don't only need to follow our dreams, we also need to have the faith that our dreams are moving towards us. the universe has a beautiful way of responding the minute we begin to crack our hearts open. the moment we begin to recognize the truth in our lives, surrendering to nature is a choice that we can no longer ignore. like stepping into summer's golden light.

it is now night. the sky is filled with stars and they stare at me, all at once warm, distant & unfamiliar. there's a mix of sadness and excitement breathing in the wildest corners of my soul. a dream begins to come alive, a bright new constellation unfolding in my universe.

waiting for summer

Often nature makes difficult things very clear. What feels like confusion is frequently our human refusal to see things for what they are. - Mark Nepo

(image from weheartit)

There are instances when I want time to stand still. Like moments when you're sleeping peacefully, crouched on your side of the bed like a child. Or when your hand weaves around mine perfectly, the way babies snuggle up to their mothers' breasts. I wish I can freeze time indefinitely so that today can extend over many tomorrows and neither one of us have to leave. Then in these moments my heart can rest from its sadness because grief has made its walls grow thin. But even as I write days are moving one after the other and I'm blown across space. Stumbling silently like a tumbleweed, weightless against the wind.

Can you feel it? The light approaching earlier, it feels like the beginning of summer. But the wind's still cold, the evening skies dark with clouds. I know this place, I've been here before. Where I thought I can go back and recapture what time could not. But exactly 1 year after I find myself in the same spot. Where truth is reflected between us, glaring against this starless night.

How can we not see things for what they are? There is no going back. And time will never stand still for any of us.

So the world continues to spin, faster on most days, but slow on nights like this. I wait for the clouds to dissipate, for the stars to come through. For summer's endless blue skies to appear, like a long lost dream.

my heart wanders

What would happen if one day you decided to follow your heart?

In the book My Heart Wanders Pia Jane Bijkerk shows us all the places where her wandering heart took her. Upon leaving a comfortable home in Sydney, she sets herself up in Paris then later finds a home in a houseboat in Amsterdam. Filled with beautiful images of her travels, this book is an inspirational memoir that awakens that voice inside of us. I can't wait to have my own copy, pick it up & hold it close to my heart!

Hers is a story that mirrors those whose spirits are filled with wanderlust. Exactly where would it take us, the very minute we follow that voice within that tells us to leave the comforts of our home, to take a risk & live the life of our dreams?

A dear friend shared something really beautiful last night. There are no wrong turns. What an amazing way to see things, to take responsibility for our own actions & trust that grace is indeed with us every step of the way. My heart has led me here, to a magical life on an island filled with skies that awaken the soul, surrounded by an ocean of free spirits who live their lives with truth & passion. And yet my heart continues to speak, of other islands where waves call out to play & far away lands where words are spoken differently. It's like opening a door to your heart & finding other doors that lead to other places.

But it's not always easy, noh? It's painful when you realize that some journeys are meant to be traveled alone... when we have to leave things, places & people behind because otherwise we betray our own soul. It's rarely ever easy especially when we struggle to hold on & find ways to maybe, just maybe we can move on without letting go. This is why stories like Pia's inspire us greatly, why stories of so many other courageous & beautiful beings out there resonate deeply in our hearts. This where the truth lies... and following it is the only way we can ever be free.

There is a need inside of us that far outweigh the outcome. How can we ever rest & be true to ourselves if we don't listen?

breaking surface

(image from weheartit)

Let no one keep you from your journey,
no rabbi or priest, no mother
who wants you to dig for treasures
she misplaced, no father
who won't let one life be enough,
no lover who measures their worth
by what you might give up,
no voice that tells you in the night
it can't be done.

Let nothing dissuade you
from seeing what you see
or feeling the winds that make you
want to dance alone
or go where no one
has yet to go.

You are the only explorer.
Your heart, the unreadable compass.
Your soul, the shore of a promise
too great to be ignored.

(words by mark nepo)

path of the heart

When you open fully to your experience you discover how wonderful it is to be alive; sometimes funny, sometimes tragic, sometimes ordinary, sometimes sublime. You learn not to shut down when feelings become bothersome; to stay awake even when it’s unpleasant. This is the path of the heart: to develop tenderness toward yourself by opening to the wonders and complexities of your self, which allows you to open to the wonders and complexity of the world. - Dr. Gail Parker


i have been asking my self these days the big Why's (why can't it work this way, why can't it be...) and i realize that i really should stop questioning and start trusting. each time i question my own decisions, i plant a seed of doubt that makes me forget the reasons that have brought me here. it's so easy to give in to sadness especially if it's something that we've grown so used to in life. but when we've taken on a path of seeking & healing, we can no longer ignore our heart's desire to be happy.

one half of me has already started Exploring ~ moving forward with the intent of fully living out dreams which have been shelved for far too long. yet the other half of my self is still bleeding from the cut that it took to break away from the very things which have kept me bound. this must be what it means to be fully present, when we can sit with happy & sad and embrace both equally. when we can allow the sadness to pass through, as gracefully as we possibly can without fighting it. when we can remember joy or the hope of it, even in the darkest moments.

such is the path of the heart. to love both light & dark with gratitude & compassion.

what keeps me from shrinking back is the belief that there's no loss when love is truly present. it's a matter of expanding how we think love should be. love can't be limited to promises & relationships... to anniversaries & traditions. love is bigger than any of these. it's only when we begin to understand the hugeness of love that sadness no longer becomes threatening. like a dust of rain cloud in a vast blue sky.

giving and receiving

I need the sea because it teaches me. - Pablo Neruda


I'm a yoga teacher. I help students on the mat. I show how we can all create our own habits of strength and how we can open in all the tight places. I teach students how to align the body. Most of all, I show students ways to align the actions with the heart's intentions.

I'm a teacher therefore people look to me for help, support, advice and inspiration on and off the mat. I share what I've learned, how I've healed and how I continue to bring myself to a better place. I give. Because that's a teacher's calling. I serve and I give. I have been taught beautifully that a true teacher must have the intention to help each & everyone in the room. I give my energy to every class that I teach, to every student, friend, family who come to me way after the class has ended. I open my heart and I give.

But I'm also a student. I too am learning to align myself in ways that can only be good for me. It's a constant practice to continue aligning my actions with my heart's truth. I'm a student working on balancing strength & openness, effort & surrender. I'm a student and I too need to receive.

My ability to give suffers when I forget to keep the flow of energy going. I can't be a teacher if I forget that I'm also a student. Which is why even givers need to take a step back sometimes, if only to breathe. I've gone through enough to know what's good for me & what's not. I can no longer allow doubt, fear, uncertainty bring me down even if it means taking a step back from people that I love. Because I know I can give better and love more when I surround myself with positive life-affirming energy. The kind of energy that uplifts.

And so today, this is my practice. Today I'm taking a step back to find my breath. To find the balance between giving and receiving. To swim in a sea of unconditional love that I may continue to keep the flow of abundance present in my life. The heart knows no doubt, no limitations, no fear. Once again I'm reminded of my path, to love it and trust it completely with all my heart.

LOVE is big.

where do i begin.

these past few days & weeks have been filled with so much.... love, friendship, support, endings, new beginnings, the promise of adventures, good vibes, deep connections & most of all freedom. sweet exhilarating freedom. i look back at my own past & i see how things do happen for a reason. i see how things are falling into place because i'm finally trusting life.

for a long time i've held on to so many things out of fear of losing control. i've silenced my own voice & crushed my own heart. now i realize how life unfolds perfectly when we surrender to its flow. all the baby steps i've taken to approach my edge, all the times i've cowered & ran back to my safe zone, all those were not in vain. i learned my own way. with all the pain, heartaches & tears it took, the process of becoming is beautiful. i see that now.

we can heal ourselves and we can change our life. we can stop feeling sad the moment we choose to be happy. we have to trust our heart & take risks. when we do things out of love, how can we go wrong? love is amazingly big. bigger than our imaginations combined. and we cannot control it, we can only learn & enjoy it.

i don't know what tomorrow brings and that's the magic of it. my heart is the boss of me now... i will let it lead me every step of the way. with my mind, arms & heart open, i'm stepping into the flow of grace with trust that life is unraveling beautifully.

Your heart & my heart, are very, very old friends. ♥ (Hafiz)

image from weheartit

The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.

Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere,
they’re in each other all along.

(Rumi)

wanderlust wednesdays: India

contrary to popular belief, they are generous with their smiles in India.
this one right here brings me back to this amazing country each time.

the joy of a kula

one of the things i love most in my yoga practice is the kula - a community of open-hearted and creative individuals who embrace Anusara's life-affirming philosophy of intrinsic goodness. Anusara describes the kula as a tightly-knit community of yoga practitioners that enjoys the closeness of a family and the fluidity of a merry band of bohemian artists: highly trained, joyful & serious about fun. it is inclusive, where everyone is welcomed & honored for their uniqueness.

no matter where i am in the world this connection with my kula is deeply felt. there are no Anusara teachers or yogis in the country where i live, save for a few students who have started to embrace the practice. yet from all over the world, i receive a daily dose of love from such amazing beings. the support is mind blowing. constant. sending me messages of love & light in the most joyful or helpless moments. reminding me that i am never alone even when i find myself in a dark place. the kula is a ceaseless source of encouragement, affirmation and inspiration. most of all it's a living source of celebration and joy. and i'm so grateful to be part of it.

looking at the bigger picture, i can see the message that Anusara imparts through its practice. we are all connected, through our sameness, our differences, one way or another. that we are really of one essence, that of goodness. may all of us discover this light within. may we learn to feed it with the fire of our practice. and may all of us continue to shine this light out, to connect with our true selves the way we connect with others. and may we remember to celebrate the beauty of who we are.

and when we forget, then there is yoga. :)

wanderlust wednesdays: i dream of japan

i started wanderlust wednesdays last year as a way of revisiting the places where my wanderlust has taken me. this year i had the idea of posting photographs of places where my wanderlust wants to take me. while i have been to japan in the sakura-filled spring of 2009, i long to go back and visit this lovely country once again. these are photographs of a quaint little japanese restaurant tucked in a quiet corner of my island. where i, as i was dreaming of japan, enjoyed a nice tasty bowl of tempura donburi.

trusting grace

Because of a great love, one is courageous. - Lao Tzu



i used to question everything and trust nothing. i used to be a person filled with so much doubt & distrust. coming from a place of fear, it was hard to see things any other way. there was always the threat of being scared, of not being enough and not having enough. but i'm grateful for this fear. it has led me to dark places where i only longed to be free. it's brought sadness into my life where i learned how to heal. it's brought me to my mat and to realize that this is the place where i want to serve from.

when we begin to look inside ourselves, the first things we usually see are the gunk - all the ugly habits & stories we've acquired through the years that have made us feel bound & limited. yoga has taught me to release each one at my own pace. Anusara has taught me to do so with grace. it's shown me how i can create change and heal. this process of transformation has become such a gift in my life. it's brought me to finally understand why the things that have happened in the past happened the way they did. everything truly has a purpose.

some people are braver, they go after what they want right away - well good for them. i had to learn the hard way and in no way do i resent this. i had to know fear, look at it straight in the eye before i learned about love. the more afraid i got, the desire to overcome it grew deeper. i learned to love and look after myself first no matter what fear has told me. i spent so many years trying to put others before me, trying to make them happy & just trying really hard. it is only when i learned to just let go of the distrust when trust happened. to finally be able to surrender that deluded sense of control and trust grace is one of the very best things that's happened to me.

love transformed me and it continues to do so. love has made me trust life, to trust that things do work out... everything in its own time. love kept me grateful even in my darkest hours. somehow love seems more apparent, more expansive when all the limitations of a relationship has fallen away. a year ago i wrote how loving someone so deeply & being loved greatly in return have given me courage to trust my path and the strength to walk it. i am so deeply grateful for this great love. it continues to break the boundaries we've set for ourselves and lead us to explore a different possibility that's out there waiting for us.

change is inevitable, no matter how painful or sad it gets. when you start putting yourself first & aiming for the highest, you can no longer deny your suffering. so you have to let go. but there is no loss here, only love. and one day, happy endings.

finding my word

Nature does not hurry. Yet everything is accomplished. - Lao Tzu



my word came to me as i knew it would. Explore. one beautiful powerful seed that contains a universe of possibilities.

explore my dreams. explore new continents. explore a new life.

it's such a brave risk-taking word & i'm gathering all my courage to start living it. after all explore means leaving something behind. it means letting go.

i have let go of certain things in the past that have come back in my life. i ask myself is it fate working? or is it my refusal to completely release myself from the things that are holding me back? i ask because i find myself facing similar patterns and i wanna change that. i look back to the year that has passed & realize that when i set the intention to open myself to new possibilities, i was only really looking at specific outcomes. and so when that didn't pan out, i found myself going back to the place i had just left behind. it's kinda like getting your feet wet in the water & running back to shore when the water got too cold.

so this year i resolve to be a little less drastic, to allow myself to stay in the water & observe whatever arises. to explore this distrust & in doing so, find the root of it and completely let it go. like my dear friend & fellow wanderer said - embrace this uncertainty because it's a great reminder of your intention. embracing uncertainty doesn't mean stewing in it or settling, but really sitting with it face to face & getting to the bottom of things.

once again i'm reminded to trust grace completely. because the most important things in life shouldn't take too much effort to make it work. as my yoga practice is teaching me, it has to be a beautiful balance between effort & surrender. and like a voice guiding me in the dark, i trust that my word will take me here, to a place of balance & greater heights. most of all, to a place of trust.

saying goodbye to 2010

it's the last few days before the year ends and before another one begins. but the time to let go had come earlier. to let go of old ideas. even some old dreams. but most especially, let go of things that have been holding me back in the past.

the funny thing is i have been through a lot of letting go these past 6 years. one thing that i've learned is the more you let go, the more you realize you have more to let go. it almost becomes addictive. you let go of a bad habit & you realize how good it feels. unburdened. relieved. suddenly you get to see the real version of yourself more clearly.

for the longest time my word has been melancholy. ok, let's backtrack here for a minute. a couple of years ago a friend asked me what my word was. and there it was - melancholy - like a sad old toy waiting to be noticed. there's really not a single strong reason why. but for many tiny & unexplained reasons this word had been the unspoken theme of my life. little did i realize how much i let this word take hold of my life, as if each story that is woven in this tapestry has a fated melancholic ending. but year & a half ago, when i went deeper into my yoga practice, something changed in me. and just like that my new word came - transformation. it came with such force & such grace that i literally saw the change - in my body, then my actions and consequently my life. but the thing was, it was i who created those changes and that was such a powerful difference. now i understand i don't let the word choose me. i choose my word.

as this year comes to a close, i have yet to decide on my new word. but it's coming, i know. i sensed it the moment i knew i'm letting this one go. this being my island, my home for the past 6 years. i always thought i'd grow old here and i desperately clung to this idea in the beginning because then, nothing else made sense. but things change. i've changed. i'm letting this idea go only because it's time to go on another adventure. there are many places i want to go to, languages i want to speak. my heart will not rest with this knowing. my heart will keep on looking just like it did before it found this.

i used to think it was restlessness, but now i understand it better. there is the dream of another life, another home, another continent. each time i leave to look for this dream, i let go. and each time i do, i get to live with a better understanding of the world. but most of all, i get to live the life i want.

these are days

living on the island for over 5 years makes one used to the beauty that surrounds you.
in no way is the magic lost,
but you come to settle on a bed of wonder
and makes one sleep sweeter at night.

and yet there are times when this exact same wonder catches your heart again
& overwhelms your spirit.
these are days when you are reminded why
you came to be here in the first place.

These days you might feel a shaft of light make its way across your face
and when you do, then you'll know how it was meant to be...

same same, but different

this is where i got to play with the waves once again
where the blazing sun painted my skin brown
while i surfed my little heart out.

beautiful bali.

where the setting sun transforms the sky & the sea
into a watercolor dream.

just like home
same same, but different.

when the heart wanders

it's a sunday and for the first time in a long while, i chose to stay in... my mom left for manila this morning after 10 beautiful love-filled days & now i'm feeling a little blue... adding up to the tiny bits of blues i've been having the past few weeks... i know it's time to change something.... and i will... changes are coming soon... but for now i'm lifting myself out of this blue hole i'm in with a few reminders of some random things i really like, of things to come, what i love and what makes me smile....

photo booths

fair isle sweaters


soft leather brogues


clever little things


inspired spaces

chairs i wanna sink into


islands in greece

beautiful hawaii

a house by the beach


playing with the waves

baby love

cupcakes

and lots of chocolate


it's the start of another week, happy week everyone!