the gift

more often than not, i had taken the baby steps approach whenever i'm working towards something. i believed that by getting my feet wet more often then the chances of swimming out to the deeper end of the sea becomes bigger. however my yoga practice is teaching me to do things differently... that in order to build my strength then i have to change my body - and that takes a lot of courage. it's a scary thing to finally be standing on your head and your hands when you're so used to keeping your feet on the ground. it's scary to do it in the middle of the room when you'd rather have the wall against your back. it makes me examine my life and look at all the existing walls that i've kept and refused to let go. i know that something in my life has to change and no one else can do it save for myself... and there's no baby stepping around that.

now each time i get on my mat and practice lifting myself up, i change my fearful habits and learn to ground myself in all the right ways. i also know i'm creating changes within me. because it's true, insanity is indeed doing the same things over and over again then expecting different results. i mean i may be crazy for wanting to stand on my hands and have my feet up in the air (welcome to our world!) but i'm not that kind of crazy who wants to beat herself up doing the exact same thing and just praying that it will turn out differently.

a year ago i would have gone to the extremes making sure that everything in my life has to work. but i've learned the hard way that if i try to control everything and everyone, i end up losing control of my self. and so i've learned to give grace more space to breathe. i've learned to trust it more and to take my sights away from the end goal. because now i know what will be is a bonus and that what is is the real prize. the process of becoming is such a gift and i am grateful for it.

everyday miracles

the most random things tug at my heartstrings. take for example at 9:00 pm not too many nights ago, a couple walks in the restaurant where i was having a bowl of steaming pho. one of the staff quickly gives them the sorry news that they've closed. the look on their faces told me that they've tried their luck at the one beside and the one across and probably a few other places before that. yet their eyes mirrored a sadness that far outweighed their dinner situation. i didn't know these two people and i had no idea what they did for a living what they're like or where they're from. they were ordinary middle class citizens like any other, the type you wouldn't give a second glance if you pass them on the street. but on that night for some strange reason, something inside me stirred and i felt a gentle tightness in my chest that threatened to move up my throat and into my tear ducts. i know it sounds silly but for a split-second there i felt it. this sensation that these two strangers were burdened in some way, that the only thing that can provide temporary ease was a place to sit down and a hot meal to tell them that they've made it through the day.

i get these sudden bursts of compassion in the most unexpected moments and for people i haven't even met. it makes me wonder why it is sometimes harder for us to be compassionate to the ones we know. it amazes me how easy it is to see and even understand when we don't let what we know get in the way.

by the sea

there is something in the air that tells me this season is coming to a close. i feel a transition is on it's way. i sense the monsoon may soon end and the winds from the east will start to blow. i look around me and i wonder if the people on the beach sense it too. i wonder because living by the sea was what brought me to a better understanding of how it works. as though a switch was turned on and suddenly i had this personal relationship with nature. i started seeing the connection. and there it was - the more i found out about the world i lived in, the more i learned about myself.

i believe that once we understand this connection we are brought to a better place and then we begin to see our sameness in the midst of all our differences. we can all take some comfort from that. this whole thing becomes less intimidating knowing we're not on our own and the realm of possibility moves within our reach. i wish we can all start to develop compassion for ourselves, then maybe, just maybe, we begin to give up searching and start seeing what's already growing inside us.


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Listening to: Nada Surf - Always Love

looking back

los angeles, winter 2009





i wish i had taken more photos of l.a.. this lack may have been because of the fact that i didn't do much walking and exploring while we were there. or maybe because my only intention in going was to see my seafaring little sister who was docking at long beach for the day. looking back i realize there is an oldness to the place that i find unexpected and charming. authentic 50's diners... sweet carousels... record stores... the santa monica pier that conjures stories from old storybooks.

and i truly wish i had taken more photos of that.


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Listening to: Death Cab For Cutie - Grapevine Fires

there'll be sun sun sun

Oh well in five years time we could be walking round a zoo
With the sun shining down over me and you
And there’ll be love in the bodies of the elephants too
And I’ll put my hands over your eyes, but you’ll peep through

And there’ll be sun sun sun
All over our bodies
And sun sun sun
All down our necks
And sun sun sun
All over our faces
And sun sun sun

So what the heck

Oh well I look at you and say
It’s the happiest that I’ve ever been
And I’ll say I no longer feel I have to be James Dean
And she’ll say
Yah well I feel all pretty happy too
And I’m always pretty happy when I’m just kicking back with you

And it’ll be
Love love love
All through our bodies
And love love love
All through our minds
And it be Love love love
All over her face
And Love love love
All over mine

The sun is back once again and these past few days have been filled with much island love. 5 Years Time by Noah & The Whale is my song of the moment. Everything about it reflects what feels good for me right now.

Five years time
I might not know you
Five years time
We might not speak
Oh in five years time
We might not get along
In five years time
You might just prove me wrong

have a listen!

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Listening to: Noah And The Whale - 5 Years Time

i wonder

i woke up this morning with a dream... and this song in my head.

a tug in my heart tells me i'm missing something.

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Listening to: The Weepies - Gotta Have You

missing summer

it's been cloudy & gray these past few days. only less than a week ago, a terrible storm hit the country and left hundreds of thousands of my countrymen homeless. most of them are still living in shelters while some are still stranded in flooded areas; we haven't recovered from it and already another storm is on its way.

it is in moments like this when i long for summer. when all the wind can blow is a feather. when days are light and hearts are carefree.

what do you miss?

london calling

inspired by victoria smith's sunday in the city series, these two part photographs also called diptychs feature some of my favorite shots of the city.

summer of 2009.

possibilities

untitled by marcio nakamura

the most amazing thing about traveling is the way your life expands right in front of you. the way possibilities seem to grow each day in ways that were never presented to you before. it's surprising how the idea of reinventing yourself or following a long forgotten dream seems so easy. that the simple act of placing yourself in a strange land gives you a new badge of courage to dream beyond life as you know it.

this is how travel lures me out of my shell. it makes me think of other possibilities, like becoming a traveling yoga teacher, learning to speak a new language or more than once, being with someone else. not too long ago i've decided that this seed of unrest and dissatisfaction is not due to the lingering doubt of my marriage. i look around and i see how everything is perfectly as it should be. so i've chosen to observe this seed and to use my better judgment and my recent experiences before riding on the next wave of energy that would lead me to another karmic attraction. simply because i've been there and there isn't where the answer lies. it has got to be in me.

what makes me smile though is meeting someone who's also on the same path as i am. someone who's in fact further down the road, who's devoted his life pursuing his love for yoga. i admire this devotion that mirrors my own. i admire his courageous life and as i write this i realize i too have this courage. anybody who's ever followed his and her heart's calling has it and it's such a beautiful thing. it inspires me because they exist - that real testosterone driven men love yoga & live for it. it just makes me happy.

i do wonder what it feels to have a partner who's also on the same path. i used to wish for one. maybe i still do... but i have learned that everything is exactly as it should be and life is complete. so i open myself to grace. maybe i'm still not seeing the bigger picture. maybe the way that my husband loves me and accepts me for who i am and what i do is being on the same path somehow. all i know is that the more i open myself to grace, my will becomes aligned with that of the universe. and for today, that is all i need to know.

recognition

growing up i used to watch other kids with envy as they bend their backs over, dropping back effortlessly on their hands and doing other cool tricks like splitting in the air. so when i discovered yoga four years ago, it was only natural that i zeroed in on my flexibility. it wasn't an easy task but getting there was a colorful ride. i learned to stretch and twist in ways i've never thought possible for me. i started out with my fingers barely touching my toes in paschimothanasana (seated forward bend). now after three years of reaching i can finally bring my chest to my thighs AND have my fingers securely wrapped around my feet.

however i soon learn that flexibility is one thing and strength is another. on this path i've chosen to take, i realized i needed to build my strength too. while i've seen progress through practice, it is only in these first four days of anusara workshop that i'm truly beginning to understand how to build my own strength by remembering my power first. that i work from inside out. as my teacher talks about today's theme, power of self, i recognize that i had given mine away. whenever i acknowledged pain in my body i had turned it into a self-limiting obstacle that prevented me to go deeper into the pose. anusara is teaching me to take that power back and as i do, through my teachers' guidance, i feel my back strengthening. with my back strong, these rounded shoulders which have caused me pain time and again begin to open. i feel my heart lifting and a surge of ecstatic defiance overwhelms and humbles me. the realization that i have crossed my own personal boundary moves me to tears and empowers me all at once. as i bend backwards, i open myself to a million beautiful possibilities.

it comes to me how boundless we really are. i'm reminded how each limitation is self-inflicted and as we go through the beautiful process of transformation, we go back to remembering who we are. i bask in the warmth of this recognition. lying in savasana with the sublime kirtan music in the air, i realize i don't need to float far away to look for my happy place. i've found it here, on the mat, within the person i've become.

the search

there are days that seem more beautiful than others. when mornings begin with yoga and ease into afternoons surfing on the beach. but it's been weeks when the days have fallen into this pattern. it's a strange monsoon that has brought waves on the island. surfing until the skies turn pink has become an almost natural thing. it's quite hard to beat the high you get from your very own backyard. then the feeling of coming home to a house filled with great friends preparing a home-cooked meal is priceless; sharing a conversation under a full moonlit sky or a bottle of wine on a rainy night. this has become my life. how long ago was it when i felt so lost while dreaming and searching for la dolce vita? when i thought i could find it if i could only get away from here (here being the philippines). that time in my life seems far away now yet never too distant to stop me from remembering. a line i've read many times before comes to mind. "it is always ourselves we find in the search".

i am thankful that i can still see it clearly. that each detail from all my yesterdays is a vivid reminder of the journey that has brought me to where i am today, blissfully living what i've sought so hard to find. carrying it with me wherever i go. finding it here especially, on this island i call home. my own personal dolce vita.

suddenly now, I know where I belong

bonjour paris.

arrived a few minutes ago, checked in our little hotel on Rue Cambon, right next to Chanel's first boutique! skipped and hopped and danced my way around this precious room. a tiny space with pink flowers outside my huge french windows overlooking the street. my smile is a mile wide since stepping out of the train station. i am assaulted by everything french: street signs, cafes, french windows, french doors, french men!

it's like love at first sight all over again. oh it is good to be back.




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Now playing: Ben Gibbard & Feist - Train Song
via FoxyTunes

let me take you down

i am loving london at night. it's a heady mix of ancient and modern europe. rows of victorian and edwardian buildings, big grassy parks and silent black statues glow dimly against the city's hushed yellow lights, like secrets from a remembered past. there is a sense of quiet ownership that can be felt as londoners walk their streets. roads are congested like any other cosmopolitan area, however with black hackney carriages that reflect the city's endless tribute to tradition. the pubs live on and music is given a huge venue to showcase true artistic freedom with an audience to match. the next big thing is born here. indie rock bands and folk singers perform in basements with the same underlying confidence that is reflected in brilliant song writing. while the stages in broadway have gone bigger and flashier, london has chosen to keep its small and cramped theatres, some dating at least a hundred years old. even neon signs don't seem too glaring against brick masonry walls. it is a delicate balance not every place with as much history can easily achieve. as i witness this nocturnal flow of life, i get the message that london isn't for everyone. you don't choose the city, it chooses you. on the surface it's clearly not a place that an island girl like myself would choose to live in. yet i find myself drawn to its mystery. to the grayness punctuated with short episodes of sunshine, to its dry humour, its lack of outstanding local cuisine and wealth of international dining places, and to the percentage of the population that can do smart and funny as only the british can. and for a moment, i find myself wondering, considering maybe i can live here, even for a little while.

then the wind starts to get ice-cold and it snaps me out of my reverie. blimey, it's that irresistible british accent that's to blame for all this daydreaming.



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Now playing: The Beatles - Strawberry Fields Forever
via FoxyTunes

another rainy day

the wind howls as i write.

i woke up at 5:30 this morning to the sound of shrieking babies, or so i thought. it was the wind, blowing through rooftops and coconut trees, having a field day with the torrential rain. i tried to go back to sleep but the noises have invaded the space under my covers. alone in the dark with no one to find comfort with, i began to feel scared. the memory of that terrifying typhoon that ravaged the island from 2 years ago was far too fresh on my mind. in an effort to do something about it i began packing things into my waterproof satchel: money, a yellow sarong, a change of clothes, house keys, a jacket and an ipod. i started to wonder about food, realizing i have nothing but fresh items in my fridge. i can't even remember the last time i ate something out of a can. i look around and i see all the other things i thought i should bring: books, my laptop, my journals, dresses i haven't worn, a towel and so many other random stuff. in my effort to live simply, i had still managed to become such a consumer. knowing what i've always known, there really is nothing much you can bring with you when push comes to shove. in the end i threw in my phone charger and flashlight, knowing that these too wouldn't last me for long.

i decide to make myself breakfast. it's 7:30 am after all. i had been awake for two hours. while munching on buttered raisin toast and looking at the rain through my glass windows, i find myself listening to the local radio station; to its barrage of provincial ads, catchy radio jingles as only a small town station can and a string of announcements in an attempted american english twang. then comes the disc jockey, armed with his usual self-assured humor, bursting through the rain like a dose of unconventional sunshine. the jokes are bad and a tad mean, but i find myself laughing my stormy heart out. it is relief that washes over me. relief that in spite of gloomy skies and howling winds, someone is going about his day as usual and not packing an impromptu emergency bag. relief that pushes away thoughts converting back to canned food and raiding the shelves of the nearest supermarket. because it is such a relief to be reminded that even in the midst of a raging storm, life goes on.


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Now playing: A. R. Rahman & Suzanne - Latika's Theme
via FoxyTunes

wear some flowers in your hair

i did not leave my heart in san francisco...




but now and then, i find myself thinking of it.

through the looking glass

it's been raining these last two days. i look past my glass window and stare at the grass, how green it's become. the wind blows and i stand sheltered inside my home. i see myself and this life i've built, how strange it feels to be momentarily away from it.

i used to spend more hours outside. where my feet can draw circles in the sand while my skin grows damp from the cold habagat wind.

i do not forget that i am here, on this island where i've come to know myself again. and yet is there something else that i'm missing? i keep staring through the glass and i wonder.

the grass spreads itself slowly in the garden where i refused to plant anything but herbs and vegetables. i see the wet earth, it's brownness gleaming from the rain. and i'm transported to a place and time i don't know where, don't know when. but it feels familiar, like a dream i can't seem to remember.

endless summer

yesterday we had the most wonderful photo shoot for the beachbaby. the sun shone, the rains came, there was laughter all around & the day ended with an amazing sunset on an almost deserted beach. it may soon be monsoon season, but for us beachbabies, summer lives on.

belonging

the funny thing about being home after traveling is how quickly every place else seems to be worlds away. how even the last destination fades quickly into motion, like a photographic blur. there is something disconcerting about knowing how the last place where you walked talked and lived only days before, could go on perfectly without you.

i have gone through all sorts of emotions while traveling. from the euphoric sense of being lost; the quiet peace that stems from knowing you are exactly where you're meant to be; to the momentary sense of alienation that disintegrates when you discover a strange familiarity in your new surroundings. but a new kind of emotion came to surface while i was traveling across north america. i found myself looking to belong.

i have always kept the wonder in me. it's what makes me see the world as i do. wherever i am, i know home is eventually a place i carry within. and so it comes to amaze me how on one wintery afternoon, i find myself taking this home right out of my heart and into my hands, wanting to place it down on solid ground.

it may be the fact that i have left my island exactly a year ago to go on a journey that required me to travel outside and within. while i haven't known any other place that has captured me intimately & immensely as this island has, i realize i am ready to sail on and leave its shores.

in all this wandering, i recognize elements of myself even in the most unfamiliar places. i pick them up one by one, as if puzzle pieces collected from my travels and because of this, i come back with a better picture of who i am.

the heart of a nomad. this tells me that i may never belong in one place. but as long as i know my self, then i'll never lose my way again.



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Now playing: Sara Bareilles & Ingrid Michaelson - Winter Song
via FoxyTunes

a very long engagement

what the heart imagines, life conjures. it is when pain does not numb the will to go on, nor kills the fire that burns in the coldest of nights. the inexplicable urge to hold on to something that keeps you alive even in its absence.

to find thyself is a very long engagement. to find the other half longer still. almost like memories that repeat itself through lifetimes, you see pieces of you in another and experience fleeting moments of perfection. isn't this what we all aim for? when we can finally be still, after running and walking and flying, have that one thing we were glad we fought for, see it through the light of the day and the dark of the night.


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Now playing: José González - Heartbeats
via FoxyTunes

unraveling

when big questions like "who am i", "what do i really want" surface, once in a while we come up with all these little answers that we're not sure what to make of. sometimes the heart whispers so gently we tend to not listen, completely ignoring the truths that come in small packages. but if we look at it like a treasure map, these little answers may very well be clues that lead us to the prize. after all, isn't life one big scavenger hunt? we get to the big answers when we start following the small ones. sometimes we need to get to the little treasures first.

i have learned to listen to these tiny voices in me. they have led me to the right places. and yet there are moments when i still find myself in the dark. when my fingers fail to trace the lines that should lead me to where i long to be. fear gets in the way and clouds my line of view. it reduces my heart's whispers to a blur. then i begin to see a familiar patch of sadness that spreads itself like butter over me. it is baffling how easy i yield to it sometimes, forgetting how far i've come. but faith steps in the most unexpected moments. in the form of a teacher, a stranger, a friend. or a page from a book. like a match that strikes a light inside us, we begin to see more clearly and we start to find our way once again.

yet i alone must decide what is best for me. i know this to be true. because even with my eyes closed i know where the lines lead to and i need to fulfill the irony that seems to inflict itself on everyone. how we all travel far and wide, scavenge and hunt in all the strange corners of this world, only to come back to the place within where the big answers reside. with my own hands i'll unravel myself, untie the threads that has kept my truths bound. and with one fine swift motion, set them free.


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Now playing: The Weepies - All That I Want
via FoxyTunes