saying goodbye to 2010

it's the last few days before the year ends and before another one begins. but the time to let go had come earlier. to let go of old ideas. even some old dreams. but most especially, let go of things that have been holding me back in the past.

the funny thing is i have been through a lot of letting go these past 6 years. one thing that i've learned is the more you let go, the more you realize you have more to let go. it almost becomes addictive. you let go of a bad habit & you realize how good it feels. unburdened. relieved. suddenly you get to see the real version of yourself more clearly.

for the longest time my word has been melancholy. ok, let's backtrack here for a minute. a couple of years ago a friend asked me what my word was. and there it was - melancholy - like a sad old toy waiting to be noticed. there's really not a single strong reason why. but for many tiny & unexplained reasons this word had been the unspoken theme of my life. little did i realize how much i let this word take hold of my life, as if each story that is woven in this tapestry has a fated melancholic ending. but year & a half ago, when i went deeper into my yoga practice, something changed in me. and just like that my new word came - transformation. it came with such force & such grace that i literally saw the change - in my body, then my actions and consequently my life. but the thing was, it was i who created those changes and that was such a powerful difference. now i understand i don't let the word choose me. i choose my word.

as this year comes to a close, i have yet to decide on my new word. but it's coming, i know. i sensed it the moment i knew i'm letting this one go. this being my island, my home for the past 6 years. i always thought i'd grow old here and i desperately clung to this idea in the beginning because then, nothing else made sense. but things change. i've changed. i'm letting this idea go only because it's time to go on another adventure. there are many places i want to go to, languages i want to speak. my heart will not rest with this knowing. my heart will keep on looking just like it did before it found this.

i used to think it was restlessness, but now i understand it better. there is the dream of another life, another home, another continent. each time i leave to look for this dream, i let go. and each time i do, i get to live with a better understanding of the world. but most of all, i get to live the life i want.