bliss

i love looking at this picture. it reminds me how happy & giddy & simply wonderful this day was. it was too cold for a swim and i was on my own. the sun was shining down on me and everything was just perfect. i don't long to go back to that day because in some way i am still there, dipping my feet in the cold mediterranean sea, content in knowing that i always get to where i want to be when i follow my bliss.

things you need to know (when in greece)

Horta - boiled greens, a favorite appetizer of many which looks like a blob of deep green moss and seaweed on a plate. Served with olive oil and a generous dash of lemon, it's probably the best vegetable dish you can ever have.

Tsipouro - a crystal clear liquor from grape skins, leftovers from the wine making process to be exact. This wildly bitter drink is also known as Raki and the Greeks love to drink it with meals. I think I may be addicted to it.

Baklava - an extremely sweet Greek dessert composed of filo pastry, chopped nuts & honey. I probably won't eat it again, but having it for the first time in Santorini tastes like something I've been waiting for my entire life.

"Only in Greece..." - is a phrase you are bound to hear always especially from the men whose passion for anything Greek is fiery. "Taste this, our ocean is so rich with minerals that only in Greece will you have this kind of fish" or "You will never have an authentic Greek salad elsewhere, only in Greece can you get this kind of tomatoes..." Disagreeing is not recommended.

Hopa (!) - after a few rounds Tsipouros, Greek men especially are fond of shouting this. I asked "what does it mean?" Looks at me and shouts "We don't know!" Hopa!

from an island, with love

it's official - i am totally and irrevocably in love with Greece.

yesterday i went over to my neighbour nikos, a photographer who's lived in santorini for many years. he had an exhibit where i met his lovely spanish girlfriend esther, and many other wonderful characters who've made this island their home. when i asked each one how they found themselves here, faces lit up and each story unfolded like fine poetry. listening to them talk made me realize how much island people all over the world have in common. how we all remember the moment when we left that old life behind and let the heart take complete control. looking back, the decision probably didn't make practical sense to some of us at that time and it surely didn't make any sense to our families who watched in horror as we packed our bags and set sail to the island of our dreams. but when we let the Heart lead, then we are always led to the right place.

so there i was, drinking wine with this vibrant and interesting bunch (an artist a shopkeeper, a writer who owns a bookstore, a lovely couple, a kinesiotherapist to name a few), watching the moonrise and seeing their island in a different light. much has been said and written about santorini, and all this hype is richly deserved. i am so content to just lie in bed with my windows and doors open, looking out into the caldera, into a sea that is magnificently blue. but hearing them talk of their favorite spots and things to do make me want to stay longer. it makes me want to come back already even though i'm still here.

which is why today i traded my afternoon nap for a walk around Oia and further down to Katharos beach with Craig (writer & bookstore keeper). we passed an abandoned church, an old leper colony building that has been turned into a cafe open during the summer and a huge rock where a couple was sitting with a million dollar view. it was a warm and lovely day, the flowers in bloom, the trails narrow, the pebble beach empty. we folded our pants and went straight to the water - totally resisting the urge to take my clothes off and jump in for a swim. we headed back as the sun was beginning to set.

it was only then i remembered that i had left my thick sweater at the bar we went to after the exhibit. that i realized i ran going home at 3 in the morning because i was freezing. blame it on the many glasses of wine and dancing to abba (yes the old man dj played old man songs) to make me sweetly forget.

supper was on the bookshop's roof terrace with home-cooked borscht - a rich vegetable soup topped with a dollop of yoghurt and a specialty of Slava, a funny and gentle Ukrainian guy who has just moved here. dining in a home with the locals on my fourth night on the island isn't bad at all. i'm beginning to imagine how a week, hmm or maybe a month would look like if i stayed.

what did i tell you, this girl is in love.

our dreams are made of real things

today i watched a dream unfold before my very eyes. after years of imagining writing wishing and conjuring images in my mind, i am finally in Santorini. i walk the narrow streets of Oia (Ia) and my smile is a mile wide. each painted door comes alive like a character out of a storybook. the aegean sea shimmers like a jewel in the sun. i am surrounded by so much breathtaking beauty i find myself rooted to one spot. i have a precious room in a traditional cave house and when i open my doors, i can look out into the sea from my bed. i don't find the need to go out and explore. i am exactly where i want to be.

after a restful nap, a lovely and windy sunset and a quiet dinner in a taverna, i'm back in my room watching the orange moon make its way into the night as it rises over santorini. it is springtime and everything is peaceful. everything is beautiful. i've been so used to feeling a sense of longing all my life and now that it's gone, i find myself looking around in awe and at the same time, making sure it's not just hiding in some corner. but even with my eyes closed my heart tells me that i have freed myself. gratitude overwhelms me, knowing what it took to get here.

the biggest adventure you can ever take is live the life of your dreams and i'm so greatly blessed to be doing exactly that. i don't know how things will unfold, that's the beauty of it. what i do know is it's going to be amazing. my heart is opening up to all the beautiful possibilities and looking forward to seeing the next dream unfold. but in the meantime i am here, steeped in beauty, taking it one breath at a time.

my big fat greek adventure

a few days ago when i asked my friend konstantinos if i can listen to some greek music, i had no idea what i was in for. so on a beautiful saturday morning, we drove up to mt. parnassos with greek folk songs blasting on the radio and konstantinos singing (and dancing!) - all the way. the sun shone down on the countryside as i listened to stories & translated lyrics, as i learned more about life behind these songs, as i laughed till my insides hurt. after a very healthy dose of live greek entertainment, we arrived at the elatos mountain resort where my friend was holding a yoga retreat later this month and where i was taken on an unexpected hike through the forest. we walked on rough trails, past bubbling streams, through a bright green world waking up to spring. it was drizzling and it made everything look so pretty. after much huffing and puffing in my mud-covered espadrilles, we reached a meadow high up on the plain - and the place was serenely beautiful. no sound from below could be heard, as if no other world save for that mountain existed. our guide was an old man who grew up in the area herding sheep as a young boy. he pointed to the small caves where they would take shelter from the rain and to all the places where they would run and play. hiking back down to the resort my heart was fuller, my smile a mile wide.


we visited delphi late in the afternoon and consulted with the oracle. it's amazing to see all these ruins. it puts me in such awe and wonder how highly advanced these ancient civilizations were, and more importantly the high regard they had for art and beauty. to live in those times! we then drove down to Galaxidi, a small quaint village by the sea where we had the most amazing meal - fresh fish grilled perfectly, sweet fresh mussels in wine & lemon, some horta some salad, and cheese! lots and lots of cheese. ah nostimos! since i arrived in athens, after meals especially with konstantinos around, i would always feel like an indian cow - spoiled, fat and happy. patting my round belly and complaining half-heartedly, i would then drift off to my happy place imagining once again the food which i had just eaten and replaying all the flavors in my mouth.


then yesterday was a nice lazy sunday. after a fun laughter yoga in the park and a souvlaki lunch, we walked around the city which was quiet & did what the Greeks do - enjoy their coffee in one of the many cafes in the old plaka. since i don't do coffee i've slowly adopted the habit of drinking tsiporou - a bitter liquor made from grapes which to me tastes a bit like vodka. it's their version of the grappa except that instead of drinking it after, they also drink it before & during meals. so there i was sitting with new friends drinking my tsiporou, surrounded by a language i didn't understand but totally comfortable with, feeling so content and grateful. oprah said - the biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams. and yesterday i realized what a wonderful adventure i am having. indeed, everything starts with a dream.

a brighter wish

there are certain things in my life that i wish could stay the same. like the way i would stand behind my husband as he'd open the door to our room in the evenings. these rare occasions when we would come home together... random things that i wish could remain.

but there are more things that i wish were different. i wish occasions like these weren't rare but instead a sweet everyday occurrence that fills the wide spaces in between. i wish for other things too and it makes me realize how much is missing.

most people think in order to get over someone, you have to stop loving that person. i think people who do this are setting themselves up to fail. i'm slowly understanding what it means to love someone so completely and learning that it is time to move on. i'm beginning to understand how loving someone doesn't mean holding on to that person, but surpisingly, setting your self free. because how can there be loss when love is truly present?

i recognize that the things i want in my life to stay the same are my ways of resisting the transformation which is taking place. it's fear making its usual appearance which i notice is getting bleaker by the day. because brighter is the wish for a bigger and fuller life - to complete the experience i've set out for. i know life isn't easy & "perfect" but that doesn't stop me from making the best out of it.

the heart wants what it wants, and mine wants what finally exists after years of longing - living my truth and loving it completely.

spring awakening

when we open our hearts to spring, we know it's time for new beginnings.

letting go

i've had the special and most amazing opportunity to experience a past life regression. as the name implies, the experience involves hypnosis to 'visit' memories of our past lives. this practice stems from the belief that who we are, what we're made of are karmic outcomes of previous lives. Patanjali, who wrote the Yoga Sutras, believed that current problems can be understood and addressed through memories of these lives. whether we believe in it or not, the message(s) that we get from this experience can be truly valuable.

it is through this that i finally understood the root of my sadness - this energy that has existed and lived with me ever since i can remember. now that i know how it came to be, i can no longer close my eyes to the fact that while i cannot do anything about the past, i can do something about the present. i know that it's time for me to release it, and in doing so free myself.

it's only the beginning days of transition and already the separation anxiety is kicking in. on most days i look forward to that happy and complete future that eluded me in the past, but on some days doubt and confusion creep in. the sadness is overwhelming and twice i had almost allowed myself to succumb to it. but i know too much now. i know that if i don't do anything differently, then nothing is ever going to change.

i still find it baffling how we can't make some things work even when it seems we have all the right ingredients to do so. i never thought that having a great partner - a partner you love immensely and who loves you back in equal measure - can still mean it's not enough. i can only go back to John Friend's words - "You have to always be student to the Grand Artist, don’t think that you’re always in control. Trust." as my yoga practice teaches me, i remember to open to grace and to trust it.

i'm doing my best to be clinical about this, approaching the situation objectively and remembering to be kind to myself when sadness and guilt threaten to overcome. but one can only be so clinical to a point for how else can we treat matters of the heart.

and so i'm taking it one day at a time. my heart becomes light when i think of all the wonderful possibilities out there. i know that the one for me exists. i don't know who, how and when it's going to happen - i am but a co-creator in this whole spectacle. but one thing i do know is this - whoever that person may be, he's got some pretty big shoes to fill. and i'm glad, because whoever is up to the challenge can only mean it's the real thing.

the end of the day, i'm blessed to be on this journey, blessed to be taking it with such amazing beings. i see how things have slowly fallen into place... how i came to be on this island, how i found my heart's calling, why i'm doing the thing i love that it hardly feels like work. like two dear friends said - i must approach my edge gently & with awareness - and all is coming. it's time to surrender what belonged to the past. my heart is grateful to know that i had it once, and that it was beautiful.

taking chances

one of the things i love most in this world is my husband's laughter. how it shakes the air around me and makes all the happy bubbles inside me pop. it's astonishing the way you see these things when you're letting someone go. how the littlest things you've always known and loved are highlighted in this moment.

what makes me stay and what makes me go? i've asked this one before and came up with only silence for an answer. but now i've come to a better understanding of my own truths. love and fear made me stay, and it is also love and fear that force me to go out and continue the search. this is why i had always been so conflicted. i had always taken into account the pros & cons; the good & bad. aware of both sides without fully risking and banking on just the pros, refusing to place my highest bets on only the good. i had allowed myself to settle, not for less, but for that fine balance between the two. it is in this space where i managed to find myself trapped; and consequently it is also in this same space where i realized that it was I who had given my own freedom away.

Lao Tzu has said "being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." it is in the way that my husband loves me have i found the strength to conquer the fear that has plagued me for years. it is my love for him that gives me the courage to brave that great unknown and to meet it with open arms. i may be crazy for wanting more when what i have is even greater than what others can only hope for - a deeply loving partner, a man i love taking care of, someone who respects me and treats me equally, someone who makes life very comfortable for me... and yet with all these there is still something that I am missing. i know there is more for both of us out there that we're not claiming by choosing to stay together and this truth hurts like a knife in my heart. but his capacity to understand and ability to keep an open mind tell me that i'm on the right track somehow. his love humbles me and his grace, his immense gracefulness leaves me breathless.

i'm fully aware that my own actions have led me to this place. i had decided on some very big things with a heavy heart. looking back i see a girl shrouded in so much sadness, a veil so thick that she wore it like her skin. in spite of my happy childhood i've always sensed this energy around me - this strange affinity for sad music & poetry, the way i'm only attracted to books and stories with sad endings and this constant recognition of the word, thought & feeling in every street corner. i've been cutting through this skin for years, a painful yet deeply rewarding process of peeling layer after layer. how many lifetimes have i had this - i really don't know. what i do know is i can stop it. sadness is no longer a destination in my book. i know i deserve to be happy - and that's the skin i want to shine through.

in yoga when we find ourselves in a pose that hurts us, more often than not it's caused by a misalignment in our bodies. the same is true for our souls. when something is causing us to suffer, chances are the decision that led us to that suffering wasn't aligned with our hearts' deepest desire. i know that this is what i'm missing, that which i've been working on since i started on this path. thus i'm learning to align my self in ways that can only be good for me - i'm creating new habits, listening to the voice within and constantly choosing better. because now I Know i want to find that place of goodness for my self, to complete what's long been missing and to finally take that chance at being truly happy.

the gift

more often than not, i had taken the baby steps approach whenever i'm working towards something. i believed that by getting my feet wet more often then the chances of swimming out to the deeper end of the sea becomes bigger. however my yoga practice is teaching me to do things differently... that in order to build my strength then i have to change my body - and that takes a lot of courage. it's a scary thing to finally be standing on your head and your hands when you're so used to keeping your feet on the ground. it's scary to do it in the middle of the room when you'd rather have the wall against your back. it makes me examine my life and look at all the existing walls that i've kept and refused to let go. i know that something in my life has to change and no one else can do it save for myself... and there's no baby stepping around that.

now each time i get on my mat and practice lifting myself up, i change my fearful habits and learn to ground myself in all the right ways. i also know i'm creating changes within me. because it's true, insanity is indeed doing the same things over and over again then expecting different results. i mean i may be crazy for wanting to stand on my hands and have my feet up in the air (welcome to our world!) but i'm not that kind of crazy who wants to beat herself up doing the exact same thing and just praying that it will turn out differently.

a year ago i would have gone to the extremes making sure that everything in my life has to work. but i've learned the hard way that if i try to control everything and everyone, i end up losing control of my self. and so i've learned to give grace more space to breathe. i've learned to trust it more and to take my sights away from the end goal. because now i know what will be is a bonus and that what is is the real prize. the process of becoming is such a gift and i am grateful for it.

everyday miracles

the most random things tug at my heartstrings. take for example at 9:00 pm not too many nights ago, a couple walks in the restaurant where i was having a bowl of steaming pho. one of the staff quickly gives them the sorry news that they've closed. the look on their faces told me that they've tried their luck at the one beside and the one across and probably a few other places before that. yet their eyes mirrored a sadness that far outweighed their dinner situation. i didn't know these two people and i had no idea what they did for a living what they're like or where they're from. they were ordinary middle class citizens like any other, the type you wouldn't give a second glance if you pass them on the street. but on that night for some strange reason, something inside me stirred and i felt a gentle tightness in my chest that threatened to move up my throat and into my tear ducts. i know it sounds silly but for a split-second there i felt it. this sensation that these two strangers were burdened in some way, that the only thing that can provide temporary ease was a place to sit down and a hot meal to tell them that they've made it through the day.

i get these sudden bursts of compassion in the most unexpected moments and for people i haven't even met. it makes me wonder why it is sometimes harder for us to be compassionate to the ones we know. it amazes me how easy it is to see and even understand when we don't let what we know get in the way.

by the sea

there is something in the air that tells me this season is coming to a close. i feel a transition is on it's way. i sense the monsoon may soon end and the winds from the east will start to blow. i look around me and i wonder if the people on the beach sense it too. i wonder because living by the sea was what brought me to a better understanding of how it works. as though a switch was turned on and suddenly i had this personal relationship with nature. i started seeing the connection. and there it was - the more i found out about the world i lived in, the more i learned about myself.

i believe that once we understand this connection we are brought to a better place and then we begin to see our sameness in the midst of all our differences. we can all take some comfort from that. this whole thing becomes less intimidating knowing we're not on our own and the realm of possibility moves within our reach. i wish we can all start to develop compassion for ourselves, then maybe, just maybe, we begin to give up searching and start seeing what's already growing inside us.


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Listening to: Nada Surf - Always Love

looking back

los angeles, winter 2009





i wish i had taken more photos of l.a.. this lack may have been because of the fact that i didn't do much walking and exploring while we were there. or maybe because my only intention in going was to see my seafaring little sister who was docking at long beach for the day. looking back i realize there is an oldness to the place that i find unexpected and charming. authentic 50's diners... sweet carousels... record stores... the santa monica pier that conjures stories from old storybooks.

and i truly wish i had taken more photos of that.


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Listening to: Death Cab For Cutie - Grapevine Fires

there'll be sun sun sun

Oh well in five years time we could be walking round a zoo
With the sun shining down over me and you
And there’ll be love in the bodies of the elephants too
And I’ll put my hands over your eyes, but you’ll peep through

And there’ll be sun sun sun
All over our bodies
And sun sun sun
All down our necks
And sun sun sun
All over our faces
And sun sun sun

So what the heck

Oh well I look at you and say
It’s the happiest that I’ve ever been
And I’ll say I no longer feel I have to be James Dean
And she’ll say
Yah well I feel all pretty happy too
And I’m always pretty happy when I’m just kicking back with you

And it’ll be
Love love love
All through our bodies
And love love love
All through our minds
And it be Love love love
All over her face
And Love love love
All over mine

The sun is back once again and these past few days have been filled with much island love. 5 Years Time by Noah & The Whale is my song of the moment. Everything about it reflects what feels good for me right now.

Five years time
I might not know you
Five years time
We might not speak
Oh in five years time
We might not get along
In five years time
You might just prove me wrong

have a listen!

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Listening to: Noah And The Whale - 5 Years Time

i wonder

i woke up this morning with a dream... and this song in my head.

a tug in my heart tells me i'm missing something.

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Listening to: The Weepies - Gotta Have You

missing summer

it's been cloudy & gray these past few days. only less than a week ago, a terrible storm hit the country and left hundreds of thousands of my countrymen homeless. most of them are still living in shelters while some are still stranded in flooded areas; we haven't recovered from it and already another storm is on its way.

it is in moments like this when i long for summer. when all the wind can blow is a feather. when days are light and hearts are carefree.

what do you miss?

london calling

inspired by victoria smith's sunday in the city series, these two part photographs also called diptychs feature some of my favorite shots of the city.

summer of 2009.

possibilities

untitled by marcio nakamura

the most amazing thing about traveling is the way your life expands right in front of you. the way possibilities seem to grow each day in ways that were never presented to you before. it's surprising how the idea of reinventing yourself or following a long forgotten dream seems so easy. that the simple act of placing yourself in a strange land gives you a new badge of courage to dream beyond life as you know it.

this is how travel lures me out of my shell. it makes me think of other possibilities, like becoming a traveling yoga teacher, learning to speak a new language or more than once, being with someone else. not too long ago i've decided that this seed of unrest and dissatisfaction is not due to the lingering doubt of my marriage. i look around and i see how everything is perfectly as it should be. so i've chosen to observe this seed and to use my better judgment and my recent experiences before riding on the next wave of energy that would lead me to another karmic attraction. simply because i've been there and there isn't where the answer lies. it has got to be in me.

what makes me smile though is meeting someone who's also on the same path as i am. someone who's in fact further down the road, who's devoted his life pursuing his love for yoga. i admire this devotion that mirrors my own. i admire his courageous life and as i write this i realize i too have this courage. anybody who's ever followed his and her heart's calling has it and it's such a beautiful thing. it inspires me because they exist - that real testosterone driven men love yoga & live for it. it just makes me happy.

i do wonder what it feels to have a partner who's also on the same path. i used to wish for one. maybe i still do... but i have learned that everything is exactly as it should be and life is complete. so i open myself to grace. maybe i'm still not seeing the bigger picture. maybe the way that my husband loves me and accepts me for who i am and what i do is being on the same path somehow. all i know is that the more i open myself to grace, my will becomes aligned with that of the universe. and for today, that is all i need to know.

recognition

growing up i used to watch other kids with envy as they bend their backs over, dropping back effortlessly on their hands and doing other cool tricks like splitting in the air. so when i discovered yoga four years ago, it was only natural that i zeroed in on my flexibility. it wasn't an easy task but getting there was a colorful ride. i learned to stretch and twist in ways i've never thought possible for me. i started out with my fingers barely touching my toes in paschimothanasana (seated forward bend). now after three years of reaching i can finally bring my chest to my thighs AND have my fingers securely wrapped around my feet.

however i soon learn that flexibility is one thing and strength is another. on this path i've chosen to take, i realized i needed to build my strength too. while i've seen progress through practice, it is only in these first four days of anusara workshop that i'm truly beginning to understand how to build my own strength by remembering my power first. that i work from inside out. as my teacher talks about today's theme, power of self, i recognize that i had given mine away. whenever i acknowledged pain in my body i had turned it into a self-limiting obstacle that prevented me to go deeper into the pose. anusara is teaching me to take that power back and as i do, through my teachers' guidance, i feel my back strengthening. with my back strong, these rounded shoulders which have caused me pain time and again begin to open. i feel my heart lifting and a surge of ecstatic defiance overwhelms and humbles me. the realization that i have crossed my own personal boundary moves me to tears and empowers me all at once. as i bend backwards, i open myself to a million beautiful possibilities.

it comes to me how boundless we really are. i'm reminded how each limitation is self-inflicted and as we go through the beautiful process of transformation, we go back to remembering who we are. i bask in the warmth of this recognition. lying in savasana with the sublime kirtan music in the air, i realize i don't need to float far away to look for my happy place. i've found it here, on the mat, within the person i've become.

the search

there are days that seem more beautiful than others. when mornings begin with yoga and ease into afternoons surfing on the beach. but it's been weeks when the days have fallen into this pattern. it's a strange monsoon that has brought waves on the island. surfing until the skies turn pink has become an almost natural thing. it's quite hard to beat the high you get from your very own backyard. then the feeling of coming home to a house filled with great friends preparing a home-cooked meal is priceless; sharing a conversation under a full moonlit sky or a bottle of wine on a rainy night. this has become my life. how long ago was it when i felt so lost while dreaming and searching for la dolce vita? when i thought i could find it if i could only get away from here (here being the philippines). that time in my life seems far away now yet never too distant to stop me from remembering. a line i've read many times before comes to mind. "it is always ourselves we find in the search".

i am thankful that i can still see it clearly. that each detail from all my yesterdays is a vivid reminder of the journey that has brought me to where i am today, blissfully living what i've sought so hard to find. carrying it with me wherever i go. finding it here especially, on this island i call home. my own personal dolce vita.