open up your mind & see like me

one of my favorite songs of the moment is jason mraz's i'm yours. there's something to its lyrics & melody that radiates such positivity & lightness which so attracts me to it. which is why i play it on most mornings. it reminds me of the box i used to live in and the charmed life i'm living now, and the one thing that bridged the distance between the two. an open mind.

there used to be so much fear in me and all that made this life impossible. until i realized that imagination is indeed everything.

and so i wake up with the sun's first rays painting my window. i walk on sand & breathe the air that tells me i'm surrounded by the ocean. i live amongst people who see the essence of living simply & largely at the same time. i end my day with sunsets, moonrises & star spattered skies. and when i look up i hug my knees because i'm thankful. for this life is truly beautiful.

almost 4 years on the island and still i find the magic in everyday things.

shine on me

since the day i opened my window, the wind has blown more than dust into my life. strange & beautiful moments for instance. i watch them unfold in my windowless sky with eyes wide open. i have learned to lay down and gaze at the fireworks & stardust as they light up before me without the need to freeze the moment. instead i let the string of moments pass. time is but an infinite line.

photo by the happy factory

i live in the best place a girl like me could ever ask for. i dreamt of this when i was little until i realized that some dreams are never outgrown. i think it is in this way that we become eternally childlike.

i love this island because it made me embrace my restless soul and understand that not all who wander are lost. i like how living here has made me feel more connected with the world outside & within. there are little things that always remind me life is beautiful. like celebrating the night of the full moon each month. a few nights ago we were dancing in a little shack by the beach while rain poured around us. in the light of the moon we sang with friends & strangers, forgetting our differences, remembering that what we have in common is greater than what sets us apart. no borders lay before us that night. we were bound, as we are, by silver threads that connect everything in this world.

truth is always the heart of the matter. whether we choose to look away or not, neil patrick harris will always be gay. smoking cigarettes can kill. that the world does not stop for our grief. and some chocolates are indeed better than sex. but there is no greater truth than love that is unconditional. pure love. that is what i believe in. it is what i strive for my self. then we realize that having a partner to love in the same degree (and who loves you back in mind-blowing proportions) is a freaking bonus.

that night my friend rico said "don't believe everything i say - i'm full of shit". that's his take and he's downright honest with it. eventually we realize there is no need for masks, silly little playthings that they are. that what we have tried to hide & run away from is what we would one day seek. we define our own truths after all. and there is nothing greater for the soul than this.

think about it

i don't think love is sweeter the 2nd, 3rd or nth time around. i think we are the ones who get better at it. love has always been perfect.

neal donald walsch said that there are only two forces in this world from which we operate from. love & fear. i agree. this does not dismiss the other constant things like hurt & destruction, desire & sacrifice. but it cuts through them and defines each one for what it truly is, simplifying everything in life we've managed to complicate. since stumbling upon this discovery i have been asking this question each time i find myself in a dilemma or on the brink of a life-changing decision, what will love have me do?

forever young

smiles that lit up my night

everybody loves pizza

everyone here is ageless

because i truly believe that age is a number, a reason for small talk & an unreliable measure of one's maturity. gabriel garcia marquez summed it up perfectly when he said age is not how old you are but how old you feel. and on this island where the beach is our playground, the sun sea & wind our way of life and every single day is a celebration, everyone can't help but feel young.

of rice fields & lullabyes

i'm nestled in the middle of rice fields, in the middle of nowhere, like a bird that has made its nest for the night. the frogs croak & the fan whirs me a lullaby. i am no longer a stranger in a strange land. i walk the earth, fly & touch a piece of the distant sky if i could. there must be too much of the wind in me.

always moving, always sailing. constant like the changing moon.

bali high

i love bali. absolutely love it. suffice to say i'm coming back :)

untitled

The afternoon sun is setting as she leafs through her book, through pages that murmur sadness, elements that make her lose track of time. She looks up and suddenly the sky has turned indigo. The water echoes the same hue, the color before her broken only by the thin blue line of the horizon that looks anything but fragile. She gazes at the sky in bliss, her fingers wanting to rip the blueness of it. One moment of perfection, one moment of anguish. Her bowl of soup comes, steaming with fish goodness. She wonders what roots her to this moment, to the ten thousand moments of sameness in her life. She wonders what makes her stay and what makes her go. The answers are here somewhere, she thinks, covered in indigo light, between pages of fiction, within the depths of hot & sour soup. She looks for it but it escapes her, like steam rising out of the bowl and up in the air, into the blackness of the night, curling itself around the silver of the moon.

human threads

30 minutes, 3 martinis later, bored & still sober, i gazed down at the 80 or so bodies that moved below me & wondered if anyone out there was truly happy. i wondered if they put on the dress, dabbed the perfume on their necks solely for themselves. i wondered how many were really dancing without mind nor care of anyone watching. i wondered how many out there were like me, longing for something out of reach. i could see the tinge of wanting illuminated under the pulsing neon lights. i realized that save for a flight of stairs & a huge glass window, nothing really separated me from these other people. that the person who said "what we have in common is greater than what sets us apart" is right. we are all connected.

i called it a night & headed home.

tonight

tonight no words come
as i sit with myself
lingering in silence
watching my heart sink
as it struggles to stay afloat
brave like the tiny leaf
that clings to an old weary branch.

tonight no words come
as i drift down this river
this mad crazy ride called my life
exhausting exhilarating wildly amazingly wonderful
at the same time.

tonight no words come
as the feeling of longing engulfs me
as i yearn for your warm embrace
as the eternal wonder settles in me
as i wonder about when & where
no words come...
and i let that be.

coming home

ever since i've arrived, there hasn't been an ordinary day. each morning i wake up to a new truth that has slowly woven its way into my life. it amazes me how well i'm accepting all these changes. it amazes me how it doesn't feel like i'm coping, but rather, how it almost seems i'm simply watching life unfold. yet being the passionate being that i am, i also witness the emotions that rise & fall with my breath. hurt, fear & hope all tangled up in vines that hover at my feet. they remind me of the all too familiar vulnerability that has cloaked me in the past. the door was left wide open to those who were allowed to come in & be in a precious position to hurt me. but now the difference is startlingly clear. the door no longer goes through my soul. the vines no longer bind me to the ground. i have freed myself.

when love & pain come my way, i embrace it on impulse because instinct tells me to. but a voice within tells me to let go. before it threatens to consume me again. so i taste it, feel it & call it mine but only for a moment. i am reminded once more that i need to keep nothing & no one else but my self.

and so i'm letting it go, i'm letting it go, i'm letting it go.

diary of an island girl in india

it's my last night in mysore and i wish i could paint the beauty that lies before me. photographs fail to capture the grace of the new moon rising against a pale young evening sky, or the scent of jasmine drifting in the air as a little one wraps a garland over a statue of ganesh. how can a photograph capture an old colonial mansion as it slowly comes to life, light pouring out of its windows as the dusk unfolds. or the wind on my face as i breeze through this charming little town on a motorbike, past cows that gently walk the roads as rickshaws whisk by, or the cool shade of the tree lined streets past temples that light up in the night. it is the ordinariness of things that makes these moments extraordinary, almost magical. india.

bliss

what can i say? i'm happy. i'm learning so much about myself and meeting people who inspire me. i'm doing what i love and i want to spend the rest of my life this way. i want to spend every second of each day pursuing what is worthwhile, that which feeds my soul. i do not want to waste any of it in trivial pursuits, running after temporary satisfactions and swimming in pools of negativity. i have always known what makes me happy and i want to spend the rest of my life discovering the world, discovering who i am and all the best i can be.


what brings me to the mat is the same place i want to serve from. this is my purpose. to heal people as i healed myself. through yoga. through watsu. through a better way of living. through love.

in the process there are things and people i have to let go. there is nothing for me to keep except my self. i've tried so hard to control when all i can really do is watch & witness all that is external. as i write this, say this, think this, feel this, i pray for courage. that i may let go with grace and love in my heart to prepare me for whatever sadness that may come.

but i will not think of that now, here in this space where i am. and i realized this when i started my journey to rediscovering myself, two years ago in the middle of a small town along the ligurian coast, that the life that i have always wanted is in me. because now i know, whether i'm walking on sand or on cobbled streets or in the hallways of an ashram... i am home.

new territory

I was rooted to the spot I’ve circled for so long. Uncertainty weighed me down and planted my feet deeper into the ground... Wanderlust stirs inside my soul but I can only go so far. I need to free me.

My heart will only be at peace when I can listen to its void. I do not wish to limit all my actions to what is careful, practical, realistic. I do not wish to betray my own soul.

I no longer fear.

Some of us travel forever, in search of other states, other lives, other souls... I travel for all.

long way home

it's been a long day and i still do not know. if the life that i love is the life that i want. how many of us truly know if what we have is a good life. not good as measured by the standards of comfort or luck or by the things that make life easy. but good because we are aware when it's bad and when it needs fixing. good because we fully trust that where we are is where we are meant to be. good because it is not a life unlived.

it's been a long day. my nerves need soothing. my mind needs to be still. and i may have a lot of questions but for now... my body needs to know that i have made it through the day.

on a lighter note

things you can find on my bed:

dinner
chocolates
lca+
my new & experimental holga
cellphones
ipods
laptop
a new movie
my house keys
yoga book
photo cd
headphones
inhalation beads
some clothes
brassiere
a new dress
red & black pens
my beatles notepad
a safety pin
pillows
blanket
an empty ziplock bag

there are nights when i honestly feel like i live on this bed. literally. when all matter exists on this piece of foam - music, love, stories, laughter, tears and dreams. there is a lot that goes on here. at the end of the day, i take my trash out. i clean up my space in an attempt to clear my head. because at the end of the day, we could do without clothes or cameras and (gasp) even chocolates. at the end of the day, all we want is peace of mind.

the next step

acceptance is painful.

but it is necessary.

what is love after all? it is a force that does not wither. it does not cower at the sight of the unappealing. it does not turn to dust when each has to take its own different path. love does not die even when we leave.

love is a force. it can make us go and it can make us stay. love can move for different reasons. and it can move for none.

love simply is.

long after our choices have been made, love will continue to live. it may take another form and we may not recognize nor acknowledge it, but it will always be there.

acceptance.

the girl i used to know

the bed seems empty without your legs eating up my side. the room seems quiet without your high-low-high pitch voice that breaks into laughter in the most uncanny moments. my night seems still without your thoughts, your words and your whole jumbled up weird character.

it's your last night here and it feels like it's my first without you.

a year of pillow talk and movie nights and taboo that we didn't play; a year of spilling secrets and dinners and sleepovers that would put any high school record to shame; a year of journeys and self discoveries, of laughter and tears that lingered late into the night. we may have pondered over the men in our lives and yet in the year that has passed, there was no better person to be with than you.

and so the winds that have brought you here are back to bring you elsewhere. i'll see you in bali where our wanderlust will take us. we'll hie off to some island and surf for a month. the world is big for our dreams and small for us to meet again :)

one day you will come back here, the girl i used to know. because today you are becoming the woman you are meant to be.

faith

there is much to heal in this world. for every wound that refuses to heal. for every angel that falls from the sky. for every hurt that hides beneath fragile wings. there is much to heal.

and so we turn to those we love and wonder, how can i make them see? how can i help them get through the pain, mend the hearts which were shattered into a thousand little pieces? how can i make them see life is still worth living?

i sit with myself and the words of someone very spiritual echo in my mind. i cannot heal in others what is wounded in me.

i sit with myself and find faith. faith that can see. it is the candle that glows in the dark. it is faith that tells me there is no need to suffer inspite of the pain, no need to lose myself when sorrow comes my way. that which tells me to be brave so i can inspire others to do the same. i can heal myself. it is faith that tells me impossible is nothing.

i sit with myself and know. that inspite of all the hurt and sadness that creep their way in, life remains beautiful. because i let it.

i love paris

and i miss it.

becoming

I am not who you think I am.
Not now.
Not today.
There is no recognition as I stare
At the reflection
that stares back at me.
I don’t need to see
To know.
What’s inside me is breathing.
Pulsing.

I am who I think I am
Slowly unfolding
Like the beginnings of a dark thought.
There is no reason to despise
What is becoming a part of me.
I walk
Mesmerized by my own shadow.
A strange creature
That fascinates
And taunts
The better part of me.